humor
Happy Mother’s Day – The Cupcakes
- “Mothers are all slightly insane.” – J.D. Salinger
- “The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found.” – Calvin Trillin
- “There is only one pretty child in the world, and every mother has it.” – Chinese Proverb
- “Any mother could perform the jobs of several air-traffic controllers with ease.” – LisaAlther
- “My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?” – Erma Bombeck
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Kim Kardashian – World Bikini Champion
Kim Kardashian is to bikini wearing what Usain Bolt is to track and field. Kim is the almost undisputed world champ of bikinis as the samples posted in this blog will support. However, unlike track and field events, bikini wearing normally involves no stop watch but the rate of rise in most men is the quantity that is subconsciously used to determine which bikini and its wearer is the top performer. And yes, sometimes one woman trumps another by a fraction of a hair on the beach. If there is an almost ideal shape of a woman to successfully wear a bikini for the lenses of voyeuristic photographers then Kim had it for some time and probably still has it.
Boiling Down Like Bhaji
These photos of a certain Government Minister, commonly known as Bhaji to the grassroots, were taken before and after the Cabinet meeting yesterday. It only took a few minutes of moderate heat for the minister to show the population who is the boss.
National Jelly Bean Day – aka – World Dentistry Day
Today, April 22nd, is National Jelly Bean Day. The origin of the Jelly Bean is as mysterious as the origin of National Jelly Bean Day. Some say the Jelly Bean was created by a dentist who was short on cavities so he opened a bakery and confectionery store to feed his habit of extracting more money from his customers. The urban legend goes on to say the now infamous, filthy and rich dentist realized that the jam fillings in his iced cupcakes was not enough so he created the jellybean. The rest is oral history.
Pastor Stewart – A Classic
Pastor Stewart is one of the funniest bits of local or even foreign humor in my opinion. With over 1.5 million views on Youtube, I am not alone. So while we wait for the Partnership to move mountains or even tiny molehills to make people happy, the diversification started without much fanfare from the powers that be – I Am Santana – The Movie – now showing at a T&T IMAX Near You
Salma Hayek – More Than Just Good Wallpaper
Salma Hayek is the stuff my dreams are still made of. Selma is currently 45 years old but it probably doesn’t matter to my memory of her and the pictures I downloaded from websites quite unlike Megaupload. Like most beautiful actresses, she takes to a bikini like voyeur takes to a zoom lens. Apart from having the legs that will make any miniskirt look good, she once kissed a woman in a movie. Selma Hayek is Mexican by birth but sexy by nature. Unlike some fading female celebrities, she doesn’t have to do nudity in Playboy to get noticed once again.
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Quote of the day
Happy New Year – 2012!!!
Paula Patton – The Secret of Mission Impossible 4
Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol is clearly the butt-kicking action movie of the year. Not only that, but the movie starred the sexy and mostly unknown Paula Patton as main attraction for male fans, closely followed by various BMW vehicles and Dell servers. Throughout the movie I was wondering not only what the salary of secret agents are and how much they charge for endorsements, but why I haven’t dreamt about Paula Patton before and hoping I will see her wearing a short, tight-fitting skirt in the near future. Everybody knows that Tom Cruise is a fine actor though he is on the short side even with platform shoes but Paula Patton was the homing missile that propelled Ghost Protocol to the top of the box office charts.
Ghost Protocol may not be a feel-good movie like “Miracle on 34th Street” , “It’s a Wonderful Life” or “Dr. No” but the movie left the audience feeling that the secret of life is knowing all about curves: where to find them and how to negotiate the finest curves the world has to offer without ending up wrapped around a light-pole at 2 a.m.
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Colour Me Bloody Orange
The Government’s newly launched Colour Me Orange crime and poverty reduction project has a good chance of turning into something called Colour Me Bloody Orange crime escalation and poverty reduction by forced population elimination scheme as there is now every indication this has the makings of a war – first the big stones in the car park then the guns in the streets. What might appear to be a simple weeding job to the casual observer may end up being a weeding out exercise, with the principle being dead men don’t work, though some do get paid. It is true the PP Government is trying to reduce the amount of gold chain snatching and muggings taking place for the season of good will and joy but Colour Me Orange seems like throwing gasoline in the fire where crime is concerned.
The Opposition’s greatest fear is the Project will buy the Government support while that is the Government’s greatest wish. I suppose Government’s policy is to manage gangs rather than eliminate the need for them. Maybe Government has seen the benefits of being in a gang and want to become the leader of the Orange gang, the most feared and ruthless gang since the last Government gang. But every cloud has a silver lining so I decided, in the interest of my economy, to become a community leader and will be accepting members into my gang. All members must be willing to fear me while looking menacing to the general public. Once we, the aka_lol Gang, are deemed to be both a threat to national security and a lost cause we too will qualify for some Orange. it is either that or we continue to perish in traffic and continue our careers as lowly, unappreciated, completely-ignored -until-we-miss-a-tax-payment taxpayers.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man ~ Mark Twain
Bandits Shout Duck before Crying Foul
The Bandits Association of Trinidad and Tobago (BanATT) was catapulted into mourning and anger yesterday when they learnt the Police took down three of their members. One member of the association who was both not authorized to speak to the media and on the run from Police for some time, lamented how the Bandits were only trying to make the usual dishonest dollar. He said first it was the curfew, and now they have Police Officers that could shoot reasonably straight even in a crisis at 2:00 am. The unofficial spokesperson for BanATT said that the Police officers were equipped with bullet-proof vest, well maintained guns and a regular pay check while the bandits were simply armed with three or four guns, which could effectively kill a few unarmed, law-abiding citizens during a daily robbery but the weapons seem of little use in shootouts with the Police. He lamented this disadvantage and hoped to invest some of the money he will soon get from his new government handout, disguised as a job, in better tools for bandits. The spokesperson said their Association may take the case to the Equal Opportunity Commission as Police seem to be preventing Bandits from carrying out their trade while allowing the law-abiding to make an honest dollar. He stressed the Association has nothing against people making an honest dollar since it was the honest dollar from the man in the street that keeps their members happy and well fed. A similar sentiment was also expressed by CL Financial investors.
10,000-Hour Experts
The 10,000 rule was suggested in the 90s by Dr. K. Anders Ericsson who is a Swedish psychologist and “is widely recognized as one of the world’s leading theoretical and experimental researchers on expertise.” The 10,000 hour rule says that it requires 10,000 hours of intentional practice to become an expert in something. That something can be anything like batting, bowling, bikini-wearing, chess, lawn tennis, ping-pong, classical guitar, belly dancing, watching porn, dentistry, kidney replacement, brain bypassing, writing, blogging, or stealing from the national coffers. Though the 10,000 hour theory was first suggested by Anders Ericsson, it was Malcolm Gladwell who popularized the theory in his bestseller, Outliers, and since then success and competence has never been the same.
Because calculators are so cheap, It is now widely known that 10,000 hours of practice means a person must diligently practice at their field for around 3 hours per day for 10 years, or 6 hours per day for 5 years, or 12 hours per day for 3 years, or 24 hours per day for 1.5 years. There seems to be much empirical evidence to suggest that experts are not born or simply created when appointed to the board of a state enterprise, or even when awarded a consultancy contract by a friend in Government but must practice diligently to become an expert. Naturally, this rule also applies to fools, liars and thieves who all suffer from insomnia and seem to practice their art every waking minute hence become expert fools, liars and thieves quicker than say a chess player can even approach Grand Master level. This revelation might be shocking to many who call themselves experts after just a few years of some undergrad course and then a few months of post grad work, all from a shady university whose lecturers were trained via Google.
Though a person needs to clock those 10,000 quality hours to become an expert, one can still sound like an expert in less time due to the common effect called the one-eyed man in the kingdom of the blind rule. This is what most wannabe experts depend on to boost their egos and incomes along with the wearing of tight fitting clothes and the owning of a firm butt.
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Avocado Thief – A New Trend
I thought I was seeing things but I was not. Trending yesterday on Yahoo! USA was Avocado Thief. Yep, Avocado Thief. At first I thought a local news story went viral – the news story about our local zaboca farmer, fed up of thieves, who claimed to have intentionally poisoned over 200 zabocas which were stolen and supposedly made its way to the markets – but it was not. It was, according to the Los Angeles Times, a story about “An admitted avocado thief in north San Diego County has been ordered to stay away from any groves bearing the popular fruit and prohibited from possessing more than 10 avocados at a time.”
What-ah-thing, I thought. Avocados, a.k.a Zabocas, seem to be the new gold of the North-western Hemisphere. Soon people will no longer hold up banks because banks tend to get very unstable due to internal greed. Robbers will soon storm zaboca estates while brandishing machine guns and 40-foot refrigerated containers. It will only be a matter of time before cargo trains and ships carrying tons of zabocas are hijacked by ruthless zaboca gangs. Cars with zabocas in the back seat or trunks will be broken into and the zabocas carted away. Laptops and iPads will be safe. Shortly there will emerge a Zaboca Godfather and a bloody zaboca turf war will give the law enforcers a new nightmare. Zaboca insurance will rise to unheard of and obscene levels. I cringe at the thought since me and my tree will no doubt be included in that turf and both will become unisurable.
Maybe our local judiciary will follow the American judge but I suggest 4 instead of 10 zabocas. I want to also recommend police conduct roadblocks and interrogate anyone who is found with 4 or more zabocas in their possession. The State of Emergency should be used to make a dent in the lucrative zaboca stealing cartel. Nip it in the bud, I say. If Kamla, Jack, Anand, Prakash, and Hubert really care about the people they should spare no effort in making the owning of a zaboca tree a source of pride and not like many Government projects, a source of income for thieves.
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JLo – Behind the Sexy
JLo, aka Jennifer Lynn Lopez, according to Wikipedia and my memory, is an American singer, actress, dancer, television producer, television personality, fashion designer, a mother, a perfume, Mark Anthony’s soon-to-be ex wife and still a sex symbol. I use the word still because nobody remains a sex symbol all their life but because JLo is only 42 years old, she may have a few years of mass-appeal sexiness in her yet as silicon technology and Madonna make enormous strides.
Like any multitalented sex symbols, JLo is loved by many men and hated by nearly as many women who think she is not only overrated but also one of the key females whose shapely image enters the mind of their male companion during sex and waking hours.
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I am not sure why this is called a catsuit since I have never seen a cat in these suits.
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Amazon’s 7-inch Tablet Wonder
All the tablet pundits predict that tomorrow Amazon will formally announce their 7-inch Android tablet which is rumored to be called the Kindle Fire. The predicted price is $250.00 and the machine will be geared towards surfing the net but mostly for buying more stuff from Amazon and streaming Amazon’s movie content but only in the US as Amazon is not permitted to stream to folks in this part of the world. Amazon Prime members in the US are currently able to stream many movies at no extra cost but Prime member outside the US will just have to suffer without any extra benefit for the same price. The Amazon device most likely will not have the E ink screen, but a color touch screen like any other tablet. The 7-inch tablet is supposedly designed to be addictive and cause people to be more tied to Amazon than they already are. It is expected there will be a huge rush to buy this tablet as the mindless gift-buying for those special someones season approaches. On a related issue, Netflix is now allowed to stream to the Caribbean and Latin America but if you are a typical movie and TV series viewer from Trinidad and Tobago, you will find half of Netflix’s content is in Spanish with no English option. The other half is mostly garbage. However you can sign up to Netflix for the first month free and see if you have to stamina to weed through the garbage to find the odd gem.
I noticed only today there was a sudden price drop at Amazon of the Samsung Galaxy 7-inch, 16 GB, Wi-Fi tablet from $350 to $300, indicating a tablet price war may be looming as tablet makers come to terms with another potential Amazon bulldozer. Hooray for the strong-minded consumer who is strong enough to survive outside the Amazon box. I am not very sure how useful a 7-inch tablet will be in becoming a person’s soul mate but I think a 10-inch device will perform much better than a 7-inch one despite being more expensive and a shorter battery life. Good things will come to those who wait for the early-adopters bugs to be ironed out.
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