Trinidad and Tobago Government Gives Population Buns


Hot Cross Buns - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Hot Cross Buns – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Government of Trinidad and Tobago has declared 2015 The year of the Hot Crossed Buns and in marking the occasion Hot Crossed Buns will be distributed through the country to every citizen and visitor, both legal and illegal. Naturally, a contract has been awarded to a new but mysterious baking company called Sistrum. This blog was reliably informed that it was only on Monday the Government went out to tender for the Manufacture and National Distribution of Hot Crossed Buns with an Extra Cross (Double Crossed Buns). The tender was evaluated on Tuesday and awarded the same day. Only one bid was received (Sistrum) and was said to meet and exceed all the requirements of the bun specification including the raisins per bun, thickness of the crosses, minimum bun diameter, amazing golden color and mouth-watering smell. The whole process was transparent.

A spokes person for Sistrum said the buns will be the first thing they ever bake and they already had the conveyor belts used in a quarry to crush local stones. It was only last week Sistrum received 1000 mega-large ovens from China and a Hot Cross Bun expert. Asked how come they had the ovens and an expert on order the spokes person said it was just plain luck and they like to order all kinds of things all the time. The contract is said to be worth tens of millions of dollars given the price of Hot Cross Buns on the international market. The established large bakeries in the country think there is something fishy about the whole deal but a Sistrum executive says this was probably due to the Lenten season. When the Minister of Finance was asked where the money will be coming from to fund the buns he simply said “eat yuh bun and shut up nah.” When further pressed about the unprecedented short time (one day) for the tender he said in any country emergencies happen and items such as buns must be procured at short notice. Asked if the supply of buns was a national emergency he simply said “no bun, no fun.”

The Prime Minister, in a short release from her office, said that every man, woman and child will be given buns and people should not worry too much about the award of the contract or how much taxpayers dollars Sistrum will be getting but instead enjoy and savor the flavor of the hot, hot cross buns. The army, police, NGOs, gang leaders and Jack Warner will be given the task on ensuring an equitable distribution of the baked goods. The man-on-the-street has applauded this latest Government initiative and has cancelled orders for buns from bakeries such as Linda’s, St. Mary’s and Kiss . “We like how de government moving and everybody is entitled to freeness like  education, box drains, tablets, lap tops and buns and thing. We hope we getting Easter Egg too nex year and turkey for thanks giving.”

Drone Fetes Trinidad Style


short shorts

short shorts

Ask any Pakistani where is a good place to put a drone and the last place they would come up with would be a cooler fete in south Trinidad. But since most fete promoters are not genuine Pakistanis, a drone was employed to take aerial shots of one such fete. As luck would have it, this drone, probably dropping low to get a better view of a woman with nearly no top or shorts or both, lost control and struck a patron on his head causing a several-stitch type injury. However, eyewitnesses said that it was some stupid patrons who started to pelt the drone, possibly thinking it was from the Gary Griffith future crime plan. which caused the crash. Another unsubstantiated report says the drone had cheap batteries which failed when called on to perform.

Crash or no crash, the future of both policing and fete promotion lies on the wings of drones. Drones will be as common as political hot air and just like a new Jack Warner walk about, it will go unnoticed. Future fetes will be streamed live via an unauthorized drones swooping low and making privacy a thing of the past. The shootouts of the future between rival gangs or gangs and police may take the form of a drone war and drive by shootings will be replaced by fly by ones. But right now, everything is up in the air.

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Saying a Prayer for The National Week of Prayer in Trinidad and Tobago


Praying_mantis_indiaThe prayers of the people of Trinidad and Tobago are working and as proof of this the head of the IRO said things could have been worse. What more proof do we need. Because of this revelation I would like support the IRO and Government of this semi-blessed land of Trinidad and Tobago and urge people to pray, not just more, but better. People should now pray 24/7 rather than at bedtime or during a hold up.  A newspaper reported the Prime Minister saying “Pray in whatever way you know. When you pray from the heart, God listens.” Which probably explains the high murder rate and confiscated cans of local orange juice.

I am thankful that the error in my praying has been identified and my prayers will now be heartfelt and focused. I will pray that all political parties be exorcised of drug smugglers, money launderers, bribe payers, bribe takers, pimps, wife beaters, child abusers, the power hungry and those dotish people who think fiction is fact. I will pray that no drugs exported from this country ever be be intercepted. I pray that nobody from our land is extradited to the US to face drug smuggling charges but instead be kept in this murderous and treacherous land called Trinidad and Tobago to face the righteous music and curry duck dished out by our AG and friends.I know my prayers will be acted on by the One who normally listens since this time the prayers would be from the heart and not the intestine as in previous cases. My bad.

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Fishing for Orange Juice in Trinidad and Tobago


Trinidad Orange Juice - a Trinidad and Tobago Icon

Trinidad Orange Juice – a Trinidad and Tobago Icon

Ever since it was discovered in the US that 700 cans of Trinidad orange juice had cocaine hidden inside, the citizens and well wishers of Trinidad and Tobago became anxious and with baited breath are still waiting to know who the true exporter of this juice really is. Surely this must be the work of the mysterious and elusive Mr. Big.  Could this be the moment we have been waiting for donkey’s years?  Mr Big is the mythical and probably real figure who hides in plain sight among the commoners and dignitaries alike.He is the local drug kingpin with powers that would be the envy of any politician or leader. In fact legend says he is, and has always been, the real ruler of the land for countless years.  Mr. Big is the local Keyser Söze.

Some say he started with bags but others say foreign used cars or maybe scotch. Nobody really knows. With things going a little astray overseas recently, the hidden ruler and master of the local drug world is calling on all his politician friends on all sides, to defend him against the foreign, evil oppressors who find his juice in poor taste.  The population is skeptical that Big would ever be caught and identity ever known because of his connections in high places. Naturally, most feel the manufacturer of the juice is not the exporter of the coke and the one who will be charged might be a headless sardine in the cesspit of the local drug trade.

I think it was in very poor taste that the exporter would risk tarnishing the image of a product that is iconic to Trinidad and Tobago and loved by all. As a country, we should stand up against those who want to get rich regardless who or which country they destroy on the way. And if for no other reason Big or Sardine make ah jail it should be for tarnishing the image of the nation for a few big cars and rolly polly women.

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Banana Shortage threatens Trinidad Carnival 2013


The almost-perfect foreign bananas

The almost-perfect foreign bananas

There is a shortage of bananas in the country and it couldn’t happen at a worse time than one week before Carnival when thousands of women use the banana as their weapon of choice in that epic and seasonal battle with their bikini costumes. One woman claimed the only bananas she was able to put her hands on in recent time were quite soft and local. Over the years she had come to expect the consistently firmer ones from the islands and that they stayed harder longer. Several women claim the foreign bananas were considerably straighter than the local ones and looked more appealing as they were nearly unblemished when removed from the box. However, the woman said that foreign bananas were all the same, and too much quality control can make life boring. With the local bananas, you never quite know what to expect and on the rare occasion you are pleasantly surprised,” she was quoted as saying.

Bruised and banged up local bananas - some are almost as crooked as local politicians

Bruised and banged up local bananas – some are almost as crooked as local politicians

iPad Mini – 7-inches of Heaven


iPad Mini

iPad Mini

I will not be needing or even wanting any of the new iPads as I already have a 4th Generation iPod touch which makes me happy and I am quite contented with my current level of happiness. If however you are one of the unhappy ones or happy but need more happiness because you are addicted to new pleasures and boosting the economy then a new iPad may be for you.

If Apple is aiming the iPad Mini at women then Apple will have to convince females the new tablet, despite being a battery-powered device that is around seven inches long and thin as a pencil, is not only a bargain at US$329 but smarter and less trouble than the average man.

iPad Mini

iPad Mini

iPad Specs

iPad Specs

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Windows 8 and Orgasms


orgasmsInitial reviews of Microsoft’s Windows 8 suggest the learning curve is steep for regular Windows users  and apparently it even confuses the minds of eight year olds. This overlooked fact means both parents and grandparents with new PCs will be lost in the windowed woods without any form of tutoring for some time. Some expert reviewers are even suggesting that Windows 8 is not even related to Windows 7 in terms of user-interface so it should have been called something else – I suggest MS Confusion One, MS Confusion One Point One etc.

For those who are not following the intriguing world of Operating Systems for computers, Windows 8 is Microsoft’s attempt to have one OS for computer, laptop, tablet and phone. When Microsoft came up with the concept of Windows 8, they assumed most users had touch-screen computers so there is a heavy bias in Windows 8 to make mouse and keyboard use so difficult, PC users will consider throwing their PCs and best friends who tried to help but became just as insane, through the window.

It seems that the only people rushing to upgrade to Windows 8 will be those puzzle-solving freaks who will more than likely have several orgasms and near-orgasms while figuring out how to do simple things on Windows 8 like shut down the PC or an application. Finding the traditional Start button might even be equivalent to finding and using the elusive, and sometimes mythical, g-spot. Microsoft knows that in order to match Apple OS xxx, Windows 8 was inevitable as the world is rapidly evolving into an Apple-created touch-mode world. The Redmond folks probably thought that biting the bullet now is better than having a live grenade thrown at them later. On the bright side, we, the users,  will no longer have to point our mouses and click to load news articles or save girls in jpg format to our hard drive. The new intuitive touchy-feely, on-demand world will insist that if we want it we should touch it and save it on that virtual drive provided by some cloud guys.

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