It feels so good


Bell

Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone in 1874 and like all great scientist, he had a beard. Only days after the telephone was invented the first telephone company’s billing department was formed and the first incorrect bill sent out. It didn’t take much longer for the irate customer, trade union, coppers thieves and teenagers to become key stakeholders in the flourishing telephone business. Telephone companies became global economic giants and crushed irate customers as easily as Inland Revenue crushed taxpayers.

Technology evolved and mobile cellular services became affordable to the wealthy. This leap in technology was lapped up by the landline phone giants and they ensured their billing departments incorrectly bill airtime as well. As cellular phones became more affordable and cellular services even less so, the industry mushroomed. The cellular phone became even more popular than the toothbrush and teenagers changed them more regularly and also used them more often. Text messaging, something unheard of in most parts of the world up to five years ago, is now a necessary tool in sending love notes and tipping off criminals about police raids.

Blackberry

Mobile technology has made a major impact on the current state of society and a search on Google for blackberry no longer brings up a fruit as number one. The wireless buzz is in the air and to survive you need to know Bluetooth is not something you get from using cheap toothpaste, Zigbee is not an insect, and Wi-Fi is not a good pet name for a wife. The world has gone wireless and the world is smaller because of it. We are now connected and bonded to everybody and we are doing this without wires. So, the moment we lose that connectivity we feel like a politician without a supporter and want to take someone by the neck and strangle them. It is our way of reconnecting and it feels so good.

~~~~~~

Ford grabbed him by the lapels of his dressing gown and spoke to him as slowly and distinctly and patiently as if he were somebody from a telephone company accounts department.

Douglas Adams

The Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy

Advertisements

From Apple’s Core


Iman

Trying to take advantage of its successful iMac, iPod, iTunes, iPhone, and iTouch, Apple Inc. had planned to launch a new iProduct but those plans are now on indefinite hold. Researchers at core of Apple’s product development center created a device called the iMan but were advised at the very last minute by its legal team not to go public since the name Iman was already taken by a super-sexy, supermodel who is still married to super rocker David Bowie. No details were given as to exactly what Apple’s iMan was designed to do but it is understood that ad space was reserved in several leading adult publications, cable channels and sleazy websites.

Not to be daunted, Apple is still working on new iProducts and amongst them is the iDo designed to make weddings take place without a hitch, iDont to help with the divorce, iHorn for cheating couples, iNice for those full of themselves, iMop for the progressive housewife, iNag for wives in general, and the much eagerly awaited iCat for men everywhere. The iTattoo is already with us and the do-it-yourself PI, the iDick, should be on shelves by the end of the year.

Apple Tattoo

It’s going to be another bumper iXmas for those who part with their money easily, but Apple is planning to launch the iWillgetyou to take care of the rest of us.

You don’t have to lie but you need to


Dragonfly by aka_lol

This dragonfly was captured by aka_lol on a digital Pentax SLR camera on Sunday morning in the hot sun.

The dragonfly is our friend and like all good friends they eat mosquitoes, flies and rum and raisin ice cream. That is all I have to say about dragonflies.

My grandmother used to say if you do not have anything good to say about somebody then you should make something up. It would appear most people agree and these are the things people say about others at weddings, funerals, engagement parties and any occasion which requires lying. People are generally pretentious and everybody knows none of the good stuff is true and the bad stuff is watered down, but we appear enthralled by all the BS in the room. In a nutshell, there are very few people whose real life doesn’t require creative embellishment to appear special and the truth can be delivered gently at times:

Best Friend at Funeral:

“He was a caring husband and a good father when he was sober, and we would always treasure those brief moments.”

Best Man about the Groom at reception:

“Now that Juan is married I am sure he would crave a good or even better job now and then but I can assure you those days are over.”

Best Man about the Bride at reception:

“Lucinda may not know how to fry an egg or sweep a floor but she sure knows her beds.”

Boss at employee’s retirement function:

“Bonhabon has served this company well and now that he is retiring I am sure he will serve us even better.”

Newly elected Prime Minister:

“I would like to thank the outgoing Prime Minister for all his efforts and if it weren’t for him we would never have won the election.”

Power in the hands of idiots


Traffic

It was a few weeks before the election so the boss told his people to “look busy.” Not having a real brain, the fool in charge of highways told his people to impress the country. That was when the idiots created the biggest traffic pileup in the country’s history. Now that was impressive, but the boss called to say don’t worry as his boss didn’t need excuses anymore.

Any idiot would know when the traffic situation is supersaturated any small disruption would cause a great delay. Any idiot would also know when the disruption is a three inch high ridge across all lanes of a major highway, causing cars to practically stop before crossing, is a humongous disaster. Sadly, we are not dealing with any idiots but with super idiots. These super idiots have been orchestrating traffic from high positions at the Division, a place legendary for rampant incompetence and nonperformance ever since contractors realized bribes beat performance any day. It is their culture. While other Institutions strive to become better, this Division is straddled with functionally illiterate professionals who are living under the delusion they are intelligent and Gods.

Power in the hands of idiots is the most dangerous weapon of all ~ aka_lol

Skirt In Flight


The following is loosely based on supposedly true events as seen on TV.

The flight attendant called Ken told the passenger called Barbie her skirt was too short so the plane could not fly. Barbie was shocked and she never realized a skirt could stop a plane from leaving otherwise she would have taken it off. No doubt this would have pleased Ken but he tried to sound strong as he explained to Barbie because her skirt was too short it was causing something or the other to flash and the pilots had enough flashing things to deal with in the cockpit. Barbie begged Ken to stop being so cruel since she didn’t have anything else to wear but Ken, being the sole executioner in such situations, said the airline was family-oriented and families don’t like short skirts in flight and big boobies in the air. Barbie begged some more and finally Ken and the powerful crew agreed to let Barbie fly once she covered up her assets. Barbie covered them up with a skimpy airline blanket and everybody arrived safely except for Barbie, who was hurt over the whole incident and wondered if her outfit was really that offensive since it never offended the families at Hooters.

Skirt In Flight

Eventually Barbie went on national TV in order to expose the airline’s subjective fashion ways and in the process managed to also expose herself to what is now affectionately known as a crotch shot. Needless to say this brief news flash went down well with this blog and the clever cameraman.

I am in full support of the airline preventing attractive and sexily clad women from flying since flying commercially is not a spectator sport. I am also in full support of the same airline preventing ugly people from even buying tickets because ugly is more offensive than beauty and doubly so in confined cabins at high altitudes. Some may argue a little flash now and then is delightful and it gives the male their only reason to live. That’s dumb and we all know to only reason men live is to suffer and die in a poetic fashion. Why on earth must men, even for a moment, be glad to be alive? Everyone knows morality is absolute, a short skirt is nothing to sneak a peek at, and Hooters was invented without a need.

Missile Shield TM


Missile Shield

CEPEP gangs have now become famous for using the latest innovations in technology and have in their arsenal, not only cutlasses and paint brushes, but weed whackers run by noisy gas engines similar to those used in first world by smaller sized grass-gangs to cut three times the amount of grass per hour. However, the latest technological breakthrough in the CEPEP grass-cutting field is not how they whack the weeds, but in a rather ingenious device called a CEPEP Missile Shield TM. This shield is used during episodes of weed whacking to prevent stray weeds and misguided stones from hitting the wrong targets such as car windscreens and pedestrians on cell phones. The CEPEP Missile Shield TM is ingenious because of its simplicity and effectiveness. The Shield is made from a piece of the foreman’s striped blanket, about two meters long and two meters high with two long pieces of old wood on opposite ends to make the apparatus look like an out of proportion banner from a Carnival Band with a measly budget and poor taste. The Shield is stretched out, and held in position by two unshielded workers who are an unwilling part of the invention. Data analyzers at CEPEP are still trying to boot up their computers but initial findings have suggested that less drivers and pedestrians are chasing down, and cussing up CEPEP workers. Nevertheless, the full extent of the injuries being nursed by the missile shield holders is not likely to be acknowledged in this millennium.

Geography Gone Terribly Wrong


Until yesterday, I had never seen the names of the islands of Trinidad and Tobago swapped on a map, even in kindergarten, and I never expected the reputable people at CNN news to be the ones to do so. The mistake is understandable since the name of the country is Trinidad and Tobago and people normally read from top to bottom except in strip joints where people read from the bottom to the top.

Trinidad and Tobago is one country but they are two separate islands. This was not apparent to the high-paid map designer at the international news agency.  The mistake was funny in the beginning but like all good jokes repeated twice every hour, it became a source of anger for those who knew exactly where Trinidad is and why Virgin Atlantic flying to Tobago is considered mostly mislabeled cargo. I can only hope that this mistake will not be repeated for the next news-worthy event where both the country and the islands of Trinidad and Tobago have to be featured on a map at news time.