No Bullies, No Corruption, No Anil


stop-bullying-cartoon3-598x644

I have no idea if the pro-corruption Life Sport programme will be another straw which will break the Partnership’s back again  but certainly the retention of Anil Roberts will. His supporters say that Anil “does give it to them good” but it seems he cannot take it despite his claims of having a very broad, swimmers back. That is how it is with bullies.

Unfortunately the only things Anil ever brought to this country as a politician was his over inflated ego, delusion of grandeur, bullyism and an oversize mouth. The Prime Minister terminated the Life Sports programme, which came under Mr. Roberts, because the audit report said there were more than several instances of suspected massive corruption. Under the Life Sport programme there were a few hundred million dollars earmarked to keep young teens away from gangs,  crime and political life. Instead the audit report suggests much of this money went into the pockets of the chosen few who, like many before them, craved plundering the Treasury.

Anil Roberts said the termination of the programme will cause poor black boys to suffer but was silent on whether his legendary incompetence as a Minister of Sports made poor black boys happy. This is a disgraceful  national fiasco so why is Anil Roberts thinking twice about resigning but more importantly, why is the Prime Minister afraid to fire him. Fear is weakness.

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Trinidad and Tobago Unofficial Budget 2013-2014


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INTRODUCTION

Mr Speaker, before I begin I want to acknowledge an immense debt of gratitude to the Prime Minister whose astute leadership has caused the PP to not only win not one damn seat in the Tobago House of Assembly elections but also to lose the Chaguanas West by-election in the UNC heartland to the more astute Jack Warner by a big, big margin. By doing this she distinguishes our public affairs and has created the conditions for higher levels of confidence in our economy and society. Ent?

THINGS ARE GROWING AS WE SPEAK

Our economy is growing. Inflation is down. We have lowered food prices, a matter which was impacted this year by the removal of the VAT on food such as red beans in cans – a Sunday staple in homes with food, and canned mini chicken hotdogs which, I am told, might assist in causing cancer due to its high nitrate content. But not to worry as we are once again promising to build an oncology (cancer treatment) centre but more on that oldie but goodie later. I just want to add that the economy is growing along with the bank accounts of the select few.

BRIBES

Mr. Speaker, the issue of Government’s procurement mechanism has been outstanding for too long. This, as you can well imagine, is a mechanism which will make the awarding of favours to party shareholder and the chosen few a bit more difficult. Needless to say, this will not go down well with the up and coming briber and bribees but I am sure there will be the customary loopholes cleverly fitted into the act thus continuing to make politics an attractive field for the scum at heart.

LAND AND BUILDING TAX IN YOUR…

Mr. Speaker, if there was one phrase which one can be called misguided it will be that ominous and overused phrase “axe the tax.” Off the record I want to say that we are an under-taxed nation and are too damn happy, yes. Still off the record, I want to commend  the former PM for understanding the concept that one can never truly own something physical and it is at the states pleasure one is allowed to say so. Now back to the budget. All I want to add to this topic is that we, your most loved and adored Government, will ensure your property is fully taxed despite promises of my predecessor. This tax will be designed so that you will wish you had opted to squat instead of purchase. First, the tax will be gentle and the same as you left it then it will rise to a point where instead of planning your little vacation to Mayaro, Tobago or Florida you will be planning to pay tax and more tax. This measure will ensure that there is enough money to maintain and exceed the current levels of skulduggery in government. Remember, what the well-off always says to the poor – Happiness is a state of mind not the pocket.

HIGH QUALITY JOBS

Mr. Speaker, do you know what a high quality job is? Well, Speaker of the House might be one even if you are not your own boss. However, in my books, a high quality job is one where one is paid quite a few million on leaving a top post at a financial institution only to pick up the one as Minister of Finance, another high quality job. But since most in this country will never be able to be so blessed, we have decided to use the term high quality jobs to define jobs that are not CEPEP.  Any way, we created a few of these high quality jobs and if you have one of those then good luck with it. Wasn’t RBC retrenching people and creating high quality jobs? It’s all about the spin. I kid you not.

GASOLINE VEHICLES CONVERSION TO CNG

Mr. Speaker, this topic is now a long-standing joke and a good one at that. However, I think this latest attempt will be fruitful as billions of tax payers’ dollars are being spent on new company which will attract the right financial talent. Need I say more?

CRIME DOES PAY WELL

The problems witnessed in the recent upsurge in crime are created by those who have made deliberate life decisions to make a decent living by becoming high quality criminals. Crime, in this land of equal opportunity, is really a risk-free endeavor, unlike other activities like driving PH taxis or walking down the street. Fortunately for citizens we,on both sides of this house, know how profitable this life of crime can be and so as to reduce unemployment to lower levels than the current stated and boasted about low level, the government may offer potential criminals a greater incentive to branch out into other similar activities like politics. We intend to open up the field of crime to any citizen who show a passion for the art form of politics.

Mr. Speaker, the Government has continued to roll out its own CCTV network so as to appear as if it’s doing something to make our streets safer. What I can’t say in this speech is if this initiative is working, if the cameras are monitored by high quality people or even if they are connected to something. Crime is a profitable field as any contractor who was awarded contracts from the government knows. We will continue to make crime our top priority and crime contractors can rest assured their bread will continue to be generously buttered by the government using taxpayers’ dollars.

HOUSING FOR THE CHOSEN

This one is once again a no-brainer and that is why there is always a big in-fight as to who will get to be the Minister. But I digress needlessly. Mr. Speaker, this government is always concerned about votes and houses and the two go hand in hand. What I do want to say however is that this government will pay for most of your higher education but will not even lift a finger to ensure you, the middle income professional, can afford a house. To hell with those who expect the government to care about these couple thousand votes. Besides, there are big big people who will rent you a home in a crime hotspot for anywhere between $5000 to $8000 a month. That is the policy in a conch shell.

 HEALTH AND DEATH

Mr. Speaker, most of us here will be healthier if we were to lose a few pounds, drink a four or five fewer, smoked a couple packs less and walk a little more. Our health policy should be revolving around providing crime-free green spaces for jogging, walking, and cycling instead of mouthing that nice politically sounding phrase – building new hospitals. But, in order to get votes we must give the people both their poison and their antidote. So, we aim to build more hospitals so that more citizens can get sick and seek medical attention at the same time. We will put aside plenty money for this initiative.

EDUCATION AND DANCING

In a nutshell, Mr. Speaker, the major education imitative of this Government can be summarized in one word, laptops. And not just laptops but laptops handed out by our astute leader so as to try to get votes. Mr. Speaker, though laptops are popular in the schools I am led to understand lap dances are nearly as popular these days.

 TOURISM IN A FEW WORDS

Mr. Speaker, Trinidad and Tobago is a nice place and despite the street crime, traffic and floods that creep up on you like a thief in the night, we do expect tourist to flock to this country. Don’t ask me why cause I don’t know.

AGRICULTURE

Mr. Speaker, we propose to plant more in Trinidad and Guyana thus making no one happy. However, Mr. Speaker, once we find a way to make the select few party shareholders rich, we will allocate more funds to this so-called critical sector.

 HIGHWAYS

Mr. Speaker, who elected Kublalsingh?

The END

Mr. Speaker, there should be much more to say but the same things are said every budget and like nearly all budgets of the past, these words are empty. I can’t stress how grateful I am to present this statement of wishes. Thank you and see you soon.

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Colour Me Bloody Orange


The Government’s newly launched Colour Me Orange crime and poverty reduction project has a good chance of turning into something called Colour Me Bloody Orange crime escalation and poverty reduction by forced population elimination scheme as there is now every indication this has the makings of a war – first the big stones in the car park then the guns in the streets. What might appear to be a simple weeding job to the casual observer may end up being a weeding out exercise, with the principle being dead men don’t work, though some do get paid. It is true the PP Government is trying to reduce the amount of gold chain snatching and muggings taking place for the season of good will and joy but Colour Me Orange seems like throwing gasoline in the fire where crime is concerned.

The Opposition’s greatest fear is the Project will buy the Government support while that is the Government’s greatest wish. I suppose Government’s policy is to manage gangs rather than eliminate the need for them. Maybe Government has seen the benefits of being in a gang and want to become the leader of the Orange gang, the most feared and ruthless gang since the last Government gang. But every cloud has a silver lining so I decided, in the interest of my economy, to become a community leader and will be accepting members into my gang. All members must be willing to fear me while looking menacing to the general public. Once we, the aka_lol Gang, are deemed to be both a threat to national security and a lost cause we too will qualify for some Orange. it is either that or we continue to perish in traffic and continue our careers as lowly, unappreciated, completely-ignored -until-we-miss-a-tax-payment taxpayers.

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man ~ Mark Twain

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How to find a ghost


Haunting

At some point in everyone’s life they see ghost but are helpless because they have no access to a reputable ghost buster or seer woman. As foolish as it seems to the rational thinking adult who feels getting scared is limited to opening bills every month or listening to the Prime Minister speak or seeing his wife,  ghost hunting may seem like a novelty for children but it is not. Rational online stores like Amazon have realized the need to supply adults with not just books and sex toys but with those increasingly popular adult playthings (no, not inflatable life-size dolls) called ghost detectors or EMF (electromagnetic field) detectors.

EMF Ghost Detector available from Amazon.com

These Ghost Detectors are no joke and work on the principle that the EMF is greater than normal when a ghost is present. One can prove the detectors work by simply seeing the needle go wild when placed next to a member for the living dead such as a dead-horse politician.  Several ghosts have been caught and rehabilitated because of the use of well calibrated Ghost Detectors by professional Ghostbusters in movies. Police investigators are currently using state-of-the-art ghost detectors to find out if  fugitives  are back in the country or they are just seeing ghost.  For yet unexplained reasons, this Ghost EMF phenomenon occurs more in old houses where the former occupants, including at least one child, were mysteriously murdered or in houses that were built by sleazy developers on land that were formerly Red Indian, Amerindian or even political graveyards.

A Real Ghost

One first becomes aware that ghost might be a problem when the hair on one’s back suddenly sticks up while one is looking at boring world news at midnight. Ghost can go undetected for years and is usually mistaken by homeowners as bad plumbing or an upset stomach.  Users must remember that Ghost Detectors can only find the ghost to the accuracy of the nearest corner of the house and capturing requires the skillful use of a good size crocus bag and expendable friend.  For US$20.49 at Amazon, I can’t see how anyone can go wrong and ridding a house of ghosts not only because it makes for a good night’s sleep, but can increase its resale value tenfold – just advertise the house as Ghost-Free.

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The Uff Report and Jail


Prof. John Uff

On the day the Uff Report was submitted to a happy looking President, the Prime Minister suddenly realized the people needed more hospitals and Summits. The Prime Minister did not say how the country was going to fund these hospitals or any project in the future since the country is nearly out of money, low on natural gas and expect the price of LNG to drop to around 1/8th of its current low price in a couple years. It was also on the same day of the Uff Report WASA announced again the country will run out of water before the rain starts, so citizens will have to bathe less.

Calder Hart and possibly aka Carlos Corazón or even aka Manuel Digoutui

Luckily, the press did not fall for any of these Government-planned distractions and the first few pages of every newspaper featured the Uff Report and talked about the recommendation that some people involved in many big construction projects might have to go to jail if found guilty or if found. Sometime around the handing in of the Uff Report there was a newspaper article saying the corruption police, or is it the anti-corruption, ass-dragging police, couldn’t contact Calder Hart. I don’t know if they contacted the AG because the AG told the population not to worry, he knows how to contact Mr. Hart – The number you have reached is not in Service. Please get on a plane and get cracking. This is a recording. The police have to consider Mr. Hart may have changed his name to something like Carlos Corazón or Manuel Digoutui (Man-Well-Dig-Out-U-Eye).

in butt-saving-mode

The only thing the people are talking about  in Trinidad is corruption and a church in the Heights of Guanapo. Strangely, the Prime Minister is not addressing any of these issues in his pre-campaign trail excursions and instead continues to kiss those too young to read about him in the press and projects a body language which says “if you don’t support me I will destroy you.”  Our Prime Minister may not be well respected by the majority of the population because of his open expressions of hate for his countrymen but he is feared by all, especially  professional grass cutters and the Gang Land finance people.

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Swiffer Justice in Trinidad and Tobago


The citizens of Trinidad and Tobago have been hounding the Government down for years to provide swift justice but today, in Parliament, the Minister of Public Administration, on two occasions, clearly said the Government aims to provide citizens with Swiffer justice. The Minister, an educated man who worships Chinese tile floors the Prime Minister walks on, left citizens puzzled as he did not say how a device which cleans up to 50% more dirt, dust, and cat hair than a broom will improve the criminal justice system.

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The Integrity Commission Part 2 – Manning vs Rowley Again?


With the new Pro Max Integrity Commission about to be installed, the bets are on as to who the Commission will be instructed to target first. The public might be in for a surprise as the tangled web of corruption gets tangled even more. Maybe the people handpicked by Pro Max and his consultants will be people who will not be easily hounded out of office like the last set.  I am sure once the media smell another Pro Max rat, it will be hound dog country again. With Pro Max being a man who talks strong but acts like a weakling, the public is very skeptical about anything Pro Max touches. We can only pray in Guanapo that the new commissioners have the necessary balls of integrity to resist the temptations of flavorous granted by the Master.

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