Why Fast Food is Slow

The customer may always be right but that doesn’t mean the customer isn’t stupid. Casual observation of the slow-moving lines at fast food outlets would indicate something has gone dreadfully wrong and must be corrected immediately. It may be the way counter attendants operate, or the new wave of customers with no fast-food savvy. Customer stupidity might be the problem so naturally I am qualified to suggest a solution.

In order to make fast food outlets fast again I propose two types of lines at these outlets. One would be labeled “People Who Know What They Want aka: Smart Customers” and “People Who DO NOT Know What They Want aka: Stupid Customers.” There is no point in punishing the smart with the stupid so customers should know their fast-food ability. Further to this, the fast-food association should launch a massive advertising campaign alerting customers how to identify the tell-tail signs of mental dullness. Typically, stupid customers look at the menu board above in shock-and-awe every time. The stupid usually say things like “The fries big-big?” “Let me see what the biscuit look like? It does taste good?” “All yuh have breast? Gimme two nah. Not that breast, de leg next to it.” “Yuh have any vegetarian pizza with meat?” “Ah chicken roti with beef.”

A smart customer is a joy to behold in action because they know their stuff; their answers are faster and crisper than the food. They show mental alertness and spend less than one minute placing their order. A stupid customer, on the other hand, can spend as much as 15 minutes, and as long as 30 minutes at the counter before fast-food security is called in. The stupid-line will be staffed with specially trained psychologist who will guide them through the maze of choices. These customers would be required to wear a special red armband so they can be easily identified, and pulled out of the smart-line and herded where they belong. If these proposals are implemented then getting fast food will be fast once again.

Hair-Goal, hair-goal!!

The hopeless, and once Almighty England decided to ask Almighty God to help them win their crucial match against Trinidad and Tobago, but God, not being one for favoring one country over another for ethical reasons, especially in the World Cup, firmly declined. England, desperate to look like a football playing nation once again then turned to the Almighty Referee who, being from the First World, had absolutely no trouble in favoring the pseudo football playing country over the better team.

Hair-goal, hair-goal cried the proud and lackluster English, as they pulled their way through to the second round of FIFA World Cup 2006!

Soca Warriors 2006

Today is the start of the FIFA World Cup 2006 in Germany, an event that not only billions of people all over the World were looking forward to for the last four years, but also a few North Americans. Football is the most widely played competitive sport on planet Earth, followed by strip poker, and finding parking in Port of Spain. For the next few weeks, until the 9th of July, the Word, except for North America, will not be the same, and in fact be a much better place. It is events like The World Cup, which makes the Planet livable and people insanely happy. With all the competitiveness between the 32 nations which qualified, and even those which didn’t, there is also togetherness. Sport has unified more people on the planet than any religion, or crusade against terror.

Trinidad and Tobago, the smallest nation to ever qualify for this event, will make their first appearance tomorrow. That is an historic event, which will be proudly written in all the future history books. I wish the Soca Warriors well, but what’s more important, the World already has. The World Cup is much more than a sporting event, it is a necessity, and If it didn’t exist it would have to be invented.

Long Live The World Cup!!!

Much is at Stake, but why not Steak?

Some words can only best be understood when written, and not when said. One such word is stakeholder which, to the average man in the street, or meat-eating village idiot, may sound like steak holder. Not many years ago, when one heard the words steak holder, or stake holder their minds immediately drifted to butchers, meat packers, cooks, gamblers, and vampire slayers such as Buffy, and even Blade. In modern times, everyone is now a stakeholder, and not by choice. Most of us are even holders of many stakes and sometimes even steaks, depending on our fetish.

Imagine stakeholder, a Johnny-come-lately to the glossary pages, is a fused word, but the ice cube, and Ice Cube the very popular rapper-turned-actor, are a more useful duo of words, and still two, not one. How could that be right? How could that be just? If that is not word discrimination at its most blatant and scandalous, I don’t know what is.

Instead of saying “everyone affected,” “all concerned,” or “having an interest in,” someone with a thing for word fusion, and probably a malfunctioning spacebar (space bar), came up with the word stakeholder. I have nothing against stakeholders, but why stakeholder and not the rest? Apparently, this biased fusion went unnoticed and without protest, since we now live in the age of the dot com where word fusion is now a way of life. Not necessarily a good life, but a life nevertheless (never the less).

I am sure by now you must be at the edge of your seat, biting your nails and shaking your head or heads in disbelief with this revelation. I am sure you may also want to know the way forward and what you, as an average model inhabitant of a country where the legal language is now English, could do to help. But all I have to say to you is Perro que no camina, no encuentra hueso. Also, I say, ask not what you can do for your language, but what your language can do for you.

Being a lone crusader in this battle for the unified and equal treatment of words, I suggest steakholder also becomes a word. The word steakholder will mean someone who is holding a steak. Simple and precise is the way of The English Language, and clearly, steakholder is a step in that elusive, but right direction.

Help stamp out word discrimination and visit:


Here are but a few examples of the correct use of both words, stakeholder, and steakholder:

  • Buffy was not simply a stake holder, she was also a stakeholder in the vampire slaying business.
  • The cook, having caused last Friday’s scandalous food poisoning fiasco, never wanted to touch meat again, so he employed Gargoyle, who was a professional steakholder.
  • I am a stakeholder and I am proud.
  • I am a steakholder and I am proud.

Clearly, without seeing the words written, you can tell which word is which, and in every example. I rest my case.

Stakeholders can be people, but so to can steakholders.


p.s. If you do a Google search for steakholder you will get results which can be either be caused by gross misspellings due to indifference between meat and wood, or support for my word 🙂