I am Superman

June 26, 2006 / aka_lol / 5 Comments

Your results:
You are Superman

You are mild-mannered, good,
strong and you love to help others.

Click here to take the Superhero Personality Quiz

Why Fast Food is Slow

June 21, 2006 / aka_lol / 4 Comments

The customer may always be right but that doesn’t mean the customer isn’t stupid. Casual observation of the slow-moving lines at fast food outlets would indicate something has gone dreadfully wrong and must be corrected immediately. It may be the way counter attendants operate, or the new wave of customers with no fast-food savvy. Customer stupidity might be the problem so naturally I am qualified to suggest a solution.

In order to make fast food outlets fast again I propose two types of lines at these outlets. One would be labeled “People Who Know What They Want aka: Smart Customers” and “People Who DO NOT Know What They Want aka: Stupid Customers.” There is no point in punishing the smart with the stupid so customers should know their fast-food ability. Further to this, the fast-food association should launch a massive advertising campaign alerting customers how to identify the tell-tail signs of mental dullness. Typically, stupid customers look at the menu board above in shock-and-awe every time. The stupid usually say things like “The fries big-big?” “Let me see what the biscuit look like? It does taste good?” “All yuh have breast? Gimme two nah. Not that breast, de leg next to it.” “Yuh have any vegetarian pizza with meat?” “Ah chicken roti with beef.”

A smart customer is a joy to behold in action because they know their stuff; their answers are faster and crisper than the food. They show mental alertness and spend less than one minute placing their order. A stupid customer, on the other hand, can spend as much as 15 minutes, and as long as 30 minutes at the counter before fast-food security is called in. The stupid-line will be staffed with specially trained psychologist who will guide them through the maze of choices. These customers would be required to wear a special red armband so they can be easily identified, and pulled out of the smart-line and herded where they belong. If these proposals are implemented then getting fast food will be fast once again.

Hair-Goal, hair-goal!!

June 19, 2006 / aka_lol / 2 Comments

The hopeless, and once Almighty England decided to ask Almighty God to help them win their crucial match against Trinidad and Tobago, but God, not being one for favoring one country over another for ethical reasons, especially in the World Cup, firmly declined. England, desperate to look like a football playing nation once again then turned to the Almighty Referee who, being from the First World, had absolutely no trouble in favoring the pseudo football playing country over the better team.

Hair-goal, hair-goal cried the proud and lackluster English, as they pulled their way through to the second round of FIFA World Cup 2006!

Soca Warriors 2006

June 9, 2006 / aka_lol / 9 Comments

Today is the start of the FIFA World Cup 2006 in Germany, an event that not only billions of people all over the World were looking forward to for the last four years, but also a few North Americans. Football is the most widely played competitive sport on planet Earth, followed by strip poker, and finding parking in Port of Spain. For the next few weeks, until the 9th of July, the Word, except for North America, will not be the same, and in fact be a much better place. It is events like The World Cup, which makes the Planet livable and people insanely happy. With all the competitiveness between the 32 nations which qualified, and even those which didn’t, there is also togetherness. Sport has unified more people on the planet than any religion, or crusade against terror.

Trinidad and Tobago, the smallest nation to ever qualify for this event, will make their first appearance tomorrow. That is an historic event, which will be proudly written in all the future history books. I wish the Soca Warriors well, but what’s more important, the World already has. The World Cup is much more than a sporting event, it is a necessity, and If it didn’t exist it would have to be invented.

Long Live The World Cup!!!

Much is at Stake, but why not Steak?

June 4, 2006 / aka_lol / 2 Comments

Some words can only best be understood when written, and not when said. One such word is stakeholder which, to the average man in the street, or meat-eating village idiot, may sound like steak holder. Not many years ago, when one heard the words steak holder, or stake holder their minds immediately drifted to butchers, meat packers, cooks, gamblers, and vampire slayers such as Buffy, and even Blade. In modern times, everyone is now a stakeholder, and not by choice. Most of us are even holders of many stakes and sometimes even steaks, depending on our fetish.

Imagine stakeholder, a Johnny-come-lately to the glossary pages, is a fused word, but the ice cube, and Ice Cube the very popular rapper-turned-actor, are a more useful duo of words, and still two, not one. How could that be right? How could that be just? If that is not word discrimination at its most blatant and scandalous, I don’t know what is.

Instead of saying “everyone affected,” “all concerned,” or “having an interest in,” someone with a thing for word fusion, and probably a malfunctioning spacebar (space bar), came up with the word stakeholder. I have nothing against stakeholders, but why stakeholder and not the rest? Apparently, this biased fusion went unnoticed and without protest, since we now live in the age of the dot com where word fusion is now a way of life. Not necessarily a good life, but a life nevertheless (never the less).

I am sure by now you must be at the edge of your seat, biting your nails and shaking your head or heads in disbelief with this revelation. I am sure you may also want to know the way forward and what you, as an average model inhabitant of a country where the legal language is now English, could do to help. But all I have to say to you is Perro que no camina, no encuentra hueso. Also, I say, ask not what you can do for your language, but what your language can do for you.

Being a lone crusader in this battle for the unified and equal treatment of words, I suggest steakholder also becomes a word. The word steakholder will mean someone who is holding a steak. Simple and precise is the way of The English Language, and clearly, steakholder is a step in that elusive, but right direction.

Help stamp out word discrimination and visit:

http://www.steakholder.com

Here are but a few examples of the correct use of both words, stakeholder, and steakholder:

Buffy was not simply a stake holder, she was also a stakeholder in the vampire slaying business.
The cook, having caused last Friday’s scandalous food poisoning fiasco, never wanted to touch meat again, so he employed Gargoyle, who was a professional steakholder.
I am a stakeholder and I am proud.
I am a steakholder and I am proud.

Clearly, without seeing the words written, you can tell which word is which, and in every example. I rest my case.

Stakeholders can be people, but so to can steakholders.

aka_lol

p.s. If you do a Google search for steakholder you will get results which can be either be caused by gross misspellings due to indifference between meat and wood, or support for my word 🙂

http://www.steakholder.com

Corruption is possibly nature’s way of leveling a playing field or building an airport. ~aka_lol

It is this continuous enrichment of the chosen minority which has angered all of us and if this blatant “thiefing” by the People’s Partnership is not stopped and remedied then the uneasiness will continue.~aka_lol

I hope this Government is able to understand what the writing on the wall is saying and it is not saying “thanks for all the box drains.” ~ aka_lol

The Police will not force the country to its knees even if it has the ability to do so on any morning they choose to go into self-service mode. ~aka_lol

Without condoms and common sense we don’t stand a chance ~ aka_lol

It can be said that sexiness is what celebrities start with and a book deal is what they end up as ~aka_lol

The Queen is Coming, No More Flooding!! ~aka_lol

We are more entertained by Commissions of Enquiries than troubled by them ~aka_lol

...stupid people need to be restrained before the country slips into that septic tank of no return ~ aka_lol

We are a population that wants to stop fighting with our elected Government and selected President and start worrying about how much of the Heritage Fund will be used for conferences and bribes ~aka_lol

A sex tape is now like a cell phone, everybody has one and some even have one with each service provider ~ aka_lol

Small minds victimize a lot ~ aka_lol

There is only one thing which a man can stick his finger in that feels better than sticking it in election ink on Election Day ~ aka_lol

What ever the truth is, a Kindle price should always be lower than the hardcover price because that is what Kindle buyers have come to expect and enjoy ~aka_lol

"We ordering pork for those who don’t eat beef." I said. That was when the screaming started ~aka_lol~

Governments like to claim they are transparent but like some underwear, never transparent enough to please the man in the street ~aka_lol~

Governments govern people therefore people must govern governments ~aka_lol~

...the Bandits Association have nothing against people making an honest dollar since it was the honest dollar from the man in the street that keeps their members happy and well fed ~aka_lol

"He who believes in freedom of the will has never loved and never hated."

Marie von Ebner-Eschenbach

Each religion, so dear to those whose life it sanctifies, and fulfilling so necessary a function in the society that has adopted it, necessarily contradicts every other religion, and probably contradicts itself.

~George Santayana

“If you can't see it, hear it, touch it, taste it, smell it, measure it, observe it, understand it or verify it… Worship it!”

~???~

"You can't disprove the theory of God. The power of science is uncertainty. Everything is uncertain, but science can define that uncertainty. That's why science makes progress and religion doesn't."

~Lawrence Krauss~

"O Lord, I want to thank you that I was born in the West and not some other God-forsaken place, and that I was able to become a Christian by default. I'm thankful that I don't have to think hard about what I believe. I can accept without a second thought everything that's fed to me, and that I can support the status quo with a clear conscience without interrupting my comfortable way of life. You've made me what I am today without any effort on my part. I haven't had to think, question or change a thing, and for that I'm truly grateful."

~David Hayward~

As people become more intelligent they care less for preachers and more for teachers

~Robert G. Ingersoll~

Whenever we teach our children that groundless faith is a virtue, we pave the way for groundless violence

~Carrie Poppy~

Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?

~Epicurus~

Nearly every American will know of more atheists at the end of 2011 than they do today, as coming out as an atheist becomes cool. Yes. Cool

~David Silverman~

I am proud to have been in a business that gives pleasure, creates beauty, and awakens our conscience, arouses compassion, and perhaps most importantly, gives millions a respite from our so violent world.

~Audrey Hepburn~

There is not enough love and goodness in the world to permit us to give any of it away to imaginary beings.

~Friedrich Nietzsch~

You only live once, but if you do it right, once is enough.

Mae West

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him

~Jeffrey Bernard~

When you think about it, our politicians do play god, in the sense that they're not believed in by the vast majority of the public any more, they haven't done anything demonstrably useful for absolutely ages, and they keep employing members of their own family in influential positions. I'm not saying Jesus wasn't the best man for the job, I'm just saying it would have been nice if there had been a little more transparency in the recruitment process.

~Andy Zaltzman~

Organised religion is most concerned with self-preservation

~Adam Rutherford~

It's not God I worry about. It's the self-important, pompous, power-seeking old fossils who claim to speak for him

~Anonymous~

Grief is the price we pay for love.

~Queen Elizabeth II~

The problem with religion, because it's been sheltered from criticism, is that it allows people to believe en masse what only idiots or lunatics could believe in isolation

~Sam Harris

What is so unnerving about the candidacy of Sarah Palin is the degree to which she represents—and her supporters celebrate—the joyful marriage of confidence and ignorance . . . Ask yourself: how has "elitism" become a bad word in American politics? There is simply no other walk of life in which extraordinary talent and rigorous training are denigrated. We want elite pilots to fly our planes, elite troops to undertake our most critical missions, elite athletes to represent us in competition and elite scientists to devote the most productive years of their lives to curing our diseases. And yet, when it comes time to vest people with even greater responsibilities, we consider it a virtue to shun any and all standards of excellence. When it comes to choosing the people whose thoughts and actions will decide the fates of millions, then we suddenly want someone just like us, someone fit to have a beer with, someone down-to-earth—in fact, almost anyone, provided that he or she doesn't seem too intelligent or well educated.

~Sam Harris~

My creed is this: Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to help make others so.

~Charles J. Ingersoll~

There is no need for us to gather every day, or every seven days, or on any high and auspicious day, to proclaim our rectitude or to grovel and wallow in our unworthiness. We atheists do not require any priests, or any hierarchy above them, to police our doctrine.

~Christopher Hitchens~

Babies die in ditches every day, yet God helps Hollywood stars win trophies ~ Catherine Deveny

No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat. Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office

~ Covert Bailey~

Many of us saw religion as harmless nonsense. Beliefs might lack all supporting evidence but, we thought, if people needed a crutch for consolation, where's the harm? September 11th changed all that.

~Richard Dawkins~

Religion is ultimately dependent on belief in invisible beings, inaudible voices, intangible entities, undetectable forces, and events and judgements that happen after we die. It therefore has no reality check and it is therefore uniquely armored against criticism, questioning, and self-correction ~Greta Christina

I believe in the religion of reason - the gospel of this world; in the development of the mind, in the accumulation of intellectual wealth, to the end that man may free himself from superstitious fear, to the end that he may take advantage of the forces of nature to feed and clothe the world.

~Robert G. Ingersoll

Religion has nothing to do with morality, and is all about power fueled by superstition ~ Anonymous

The pleasure of hating, like a poisonous mineral, eats into the heart of religion, and turns it to rankling spleen and bigotry; it makes patriotism an excuse for carrying fire, pestilence, and famine into other lands: it leaves to virtue nothing but the spirit of censoriousness, and a narrow, jealous, inquisitorial watchfulness over the actions and motives of others. What have the different sects, creeds, doctrines in religion been but so many pretexts set up for men to wrangle, to quarrel, to tear one another in pieces about, like a target as a mark to shoot at?

~ William Hazlit – On the Pleasure of Hating

We have tried for over a thousand years, as a species, teaching people that killing people and holding others below yourself, and being indifferent to the suffering of others was wrong because God said so. I think we can firmly conclude that that strategy was a dismal failure. Instead, the zeal created by religious conviction has led people to hurt others in the name of God.

~ M. LeBlanc

If proselytisers had genuine faith they would at least tone down the proselytism. Surely the God they believe in has the power, hypothetically speaking, to move the hearts of unbelievers without their having to be argued, bribed, or bludgeoned into doctrinal submission first.

~ Barbara O'Brien

Inspired by the Pope's recent call to remember our country's Christian roots I was wondering which particular roots we should return to. Burning Protestants or hanging Roman Catholic priests? Requiring Dissenters to live 10 miles from the City of London, or Roman Catholics 5 miles? And if we decide to execute the Archbishop of Canterbury should we burn him like Cranmer or behead him like Laud?

~ Mark Francis

Coming out as an atheist can have serious real-world consequences. Parents get denied custody of their children for being atheists. People get harassed and vandalized by their neighbors for being atheists. Teachers get suspended for being atheists. Teenagers get harassed and suspended from school for being atheists. Politicians whip up anti-atheist fear to try to get elected. (And that’s just in the US. I’m not even talking about parts of the world where atheism is a crime, punishable by imprisonment or death.)

~ Greta Christina

Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning

~ Bill Gates

Morality is not the monopoly of any faith: an atheist can be more ethical than a religious person. At the end of the day, what matters is that humans behave with consideration and decency, and avoid imposing their beliefs on others

~ Irfan Husain

The greatest intellectual framework that the human intellect has ever generated is the scientific method. On so many levels, it has freed us from the shackles of barbaric, divisive, and infantile superstition. Yet, all presidential candidates parade their faiths as though it were a virtue to believe in virgin births, burning bushes, and flying horses.

~Gad Saad

I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.

~Susan B. Anthony~

No opinion should be protected from criticism simply by virtue of being religiously held.

~Richard Dawkins~

A stupid man's report of what a clever man says can never be accurate, because he unconsciously translates what he hears into something he can understand.

~Bertrand Russell~

The major problem—one of the major problems, for there are several—one of the many major problems with governing people is that of whom you get to do it; or rather of who manages to get people to let them do it to them.To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who must want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it.To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job.

~Douglas Adams~

The gods offer no rewards for intellect. There was never one yet that showed any interest in it.

~Mark Twain~

One can appreciate and treasure the symmetry and grandeur of the ancient Greek Parthenon without needing any share in the cults of Athena or Eleusis, or the imperatives of Athenian imperialism, just as one may listen to Mozart or admire Chartres and Durham without any nostalgia for feudalism, monarchism, and the sale of indulgences.

~Christopher Hitchens~

The president of the United States has claimed, on more than one occasion, to be in dialogue with God. If he said that he was talking to God through his hairdryer, this would precipitate a national emergency. I fail to see how the addition of a hairdryer makes the claim more ridiculous or offensive.

~Sam Harris~

We live, after all, in a world where illusions are sacred and truth profane.

~Tariq Ali

In fact, "atheism" is a term that should not even exist. No one ever needs to identify himself as a "non-astrologer" or a "non-alchemist." We do not have words for people who doubt that Elvis is still alive or that aliens have traversed the galaxy only to molest ranchers and their cattle. Atheism is nothing more than the noises reasonable people make in the presence of unjustified religious beliefs.

~Sam Harris~

It is taboo in our society to criticize a persons religious faith... these taboos are offensive, deeply unreasonable, but worse than that, they are getting people killed. This is really my concern. My concern is that our religions, the diversity of our religious doctrines, is going to get us killed. I'm worried that our religious discourse- our religious beliefs are ultimately incompatible with civilization.

~Sam Harris~

The first step is to measure whatever can be easily measured. This is O.K. as far as it goes. The second step is to disregard that which can’t be measured or give it an arbitrary quantitative value. This is artificial and misleading. The third step is to presume that what can’t be measured easily isn’t very important. This is blindness. The fourth step is to say that what can’t easily be measured doesn’t really exist. This is suicide.

~Daniel Yankelovich

The universe is 13.7 billion years old, the Earth 4.6 billion. A mere 2,000 years ago, at a time of great ignorance and superstition, some Middle Eastern men wrote some books. With respect, does it never strike you as absurd to use them as proof of a benevolent and watchful God?

~Anon~

A truly liberal society guarantees the freedom of all religions, but it accepts the tyranny of none. People must be free to live without threat or fear. To say the things, write the words and live the lives they choose. Does that offend some people? Yes, of course. But the price of freedom is the risk of offence. And, for me, that price is always worth paying.

~Ming Campbell~

Religions are, by definition, metaphors after all: God is a dream, a hope, a woman, an ironist, a father, a city, a house of many rooms, a watchmaker who left his prize chronometer in the desert, someone who loves you - even, perhaps, against all evidence, a celestial being whose only interest is to make sure your football team, army, business, or marriage thrives, prospers and triumphs over all opposition.

~Neil Gaiman~

When it comes to bullshit, big-time, major league bullshit, you have to stand in awe of the all-time champion of false promises and exaggerated claims, religion. No contest. No contest. Religion. Religion easily has the greatest bullshit story ever told. Think about it. Religion has actually convinced people that there's an invisible man living in the sky who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and burn and choke and scream and cry forever and ever 'til the end of time!

But He loves you. He loves you, and He needs money! He always needs money! He's all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise, somehow just can't handle money! Religion takes in billions of dollars, they pay no taxes, and they always need a little more. Now, you talk about a good bullshit story. Holy Shit!

~George Carlin~

Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company

~Mark Twain~

O Lord our God, help us tear their soldiers to bloody shreds with our shells; help us to cover their smiling fields with the pale forms of their patriot dead; help us to drown the thunder of the guns with the shrieks of their wounded, writhing in pain; help us to lay waste their humble homes with a hurricane of fire; help us to wring the hearts of their unoffending widows with unavailing grief; help us to turn them out roofless with their little children to wander unfriended the wastes of their desolated land in rags and hunger and thirst, sports of the sun flames of summer and the icy winds of winter, broken in spirit, worn with travail, imploring Thee for the refuge of the grave and denied it...

~Mark Twain~

Militant Christians bomb abortion clinics. Militant Muslims fly planes into skyscrapers. Militant Atheists write strongly worded comment pieces? So let's stop this 'militant' nonsense shall we?

~Anon~

Seeing a murder on television... can help work off one's antagonisms. And if you haven't any antagonisms, the commercials will give you some.

~Alfred Hitchcock~

Since we are often told that god is ineffable and that it is impossible to know his mind it is quite astonishing the number of people that then proceed to tell you exactly what he thinks.

~Anon~

If there were in the world today any large number of people who desired their own happiness more than they desired the unhappiness of others, we could have paradise in a few years.

~Bertrand Russell~

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.

~Dan Rather~

There's an infinite number of things that some people at one time or another have believed in, and an infinite number of things that nobody has believed in. If there's not the slightest reason to believe in any of those things, why bother? The onus is on somebody who says, I want to believe in God, Flying Spaghetti Monster, fairies, or whatever it is. It is not up to us to disprove it.

~Richard Dawkins~

Religion attacks us in our deepest integrity by saying we wouldn't be able to make a moral decision without it, and that a supernatural dictatorship is our only hope. That makes us all into serfs.

~Christopher Hitchens~

Thinkers of the Enlightenment, a set of new intellectual attitudes that remade Western culture in the 17th and 18th centuries, set out to understand the world and themselves through reason rather than religion. Their ideas led to massive advances in science, economics and commerce, the arts and human liberty, which underpin our present prosperity and social freedoms.

~Ayaan Hirsi Ali~

Suburbia is where the developer bulldozes out the trees, then names the streets after them.

~Bill Vaughan~

The difference between a democracy and a dictatorship is that in a democracy you vote first and take orders later; in a dictatorship you don't have to waste your time voting.

~Charles Bukowski~

The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.

~Herbert Agar~

When evidence conflicts with cherished beliefs, most people are happier to explain away even the most compelling data rather than abandon their beliefs.

~Richard Wiseman~

If morality comes from religion, why is it normal for chimpanzees, all tribal peoples and non-believers to feel empathy for others, to practice fairness, and to remain loyal to relatives and friends?

~Anthony Layng~

A strongly held belief does not automatically deserve respect ~ConversationalAtheist.com~

A reluctance to accept the importance of reason is easy to explain. To ignore reason is to avoid a sense of personal responsibility, which makes it easy to explain everything that you see in terms of the tenets of your 'faith', be it religious, political or economic in origin.

~Robert Hall~

Religious fundamentalisms are not only found in every region and religion, but they are also becoming increasingly visible at the international level in, for example, the international human rights system.

~Cassandra Balchin~

I am as firmly convinced that religions do harm as I am that they are untrue.

~Bertrand Russell~

Capitalism is the astounding belief that the most wickedest of men will do the most wickedest of things for the greatest good of everyone.

~John Maynard Keynes~

My creed is this: Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to help make others so.

~Charles J. Ingersoll~

History: An account mostly false, of events mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers mostly knaves, and soldiers mostly fools.

~Ambrose Bierce~

Blasphemy is an epithet bestowed by superstition upon common sense.

~Robert G. Ingersoll!

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This Beach Called Life – aka_lol's blog

Life isn't funny, it only appears that way

Month: June 2006

I am Superman

Why Fast Food is Slow

Hair-Goal, hair-goal!!

Soca Warriors 2006

Much is at Stake, but why not Steak?