Are you stressed out, tired, can’t stay up at night or stay up period? Does life seem to be passing you by and only stopping to pick up other people? Then you need to fill out a product registration card and and describe your OOBE for the thrill of a lifetime. Yes OOBE, out-of-box-experience. Apparently, companies that make things that come in boxes such as ink jet printers, toasters, curling irons, electric toe nail clippers, chicken pluckers, cell phones and other vibrating devices want to know what that very private moment was like for you. This request is hardly ever in the form of a multiple choice question with answers ranging from wow to you must be joking. Sometimes the lonely data entry clerk in the warranty office wants you to write him or her a two-line essay. I always write him or her truthfully because I am a man and men are naturally truthful, and full of it as well. I write this underpaid, social misfit, sayings things like “I could hardly get it out of the box and had to have a friend help me pull it out. Needless to say this was quite embarrassing since I am a robust male with a big ego and there were several females in the room looking on and hoping it did not break since they needed to use it that night.” Writing something like that can make my day and now I am addicted to the out-of-box-experience. I would say you haven’t lived unless you, not only write about write about your favorite OOBE, but actually have one.

p.s. The photo above shows a small sampling of the boxes I have collected over the years. I never met a box I didn’t like.
p.s.2 Don’t shoot the messenger, bury him alive…… in a box.


Pop Goes The Ego

My recent blogs and blog comments have pushed me into scalding hot water once again. It has been confirmed that my name was dragged through some dirt, stomped on, then promptly placed on two hit-lists. Regrettably, none of those lists have anything to do with music or x-rated movies. The first list was generated by an underground women’s organization of male-bashers and Ninja assassins called Pop Goes The Ego (PGTE). The other food-stained list was seen hanging next to a male-approved-photo of Miss Mini at a pub, and signed by members of the notorious, grossly disorganized, and typically clueless all-male organization known as (no, not “Pop It,” thought that might be appropriate) “Sleaze Ball,” or “Sleazy Balls,” as PGTE affectionately refers to them. One side thinks I am scum and the other side thinks I am dirt, so now I feel I am part of a laundry detergent ad.

All this attention has me terrified, as any good bloger should be. Unlike Bond, the ability to stay calm while holding a pretty girl during a crisis is not my cup of tea. I don’t know how many of you have picked it up, but Bond holding a pretty girl was the real crisis and not the nuclear bomb set to go off in 30 seconds. Apparently, Bond’s bomb always goes off in 30 seconds or less and after it goes off there would be very little action. Super slow motion was used but that had limited effect. Exactly what I am going to be hit with, how often, when, and where is still not known. I suppose the where part should be obvious but the rest remains a mystery. I complained to the International Blogers Union but there was a foul smell in the air as they simply laughed in my face and hung up; a feat which is very difficult to do by phone but yet they managed.

Not only have my recent blogs been cited as the cause of my demise, but one of the older ones:

Yes, This One

to be continued………??


The Fall of a Bloger – aka: Aka

The famous and very revealing reporter, Mini Skirt, decided to interview the now infamous bloger, Aka, in an effort to find out why he has become what he has become. She decided to get down to the bottom of it all, as you will soon see, if you haven’t already seen.

Mini: aka, I will get right down to it, people have been complaining that you are very full of yourself and sometimes crude and rude in your blogs and blog comments. Is that true?

Aka: I suppose it is true that people have been complaining and a blogers has a right to complain about perceived injustices and poor blogs.

Mini: What I meant to say aka was “is it true you have been crude and rude in your comments and your blog”?

Aka: I believe the question mark above should have been placed inside the inverted commas, right after the word “blog.”

Mini: You didn’t answer my question.

Aka: Of course I will spend the night with you in Barbados once you wear that micro-bikini again, or not wear it for that matter.

Mini: That is what I mean aka, you make a mockery of blogs by adding these pathetic and rude comments, which can make most of us very uncomfortable.

Aka: What am I now, a comfort zone? I always felt those micro-bikinis are a bit on the uncomfortable side but I don’t think their designers had comfort in mind when they were conceptualized. To answer your question about rude and pathetic blogs, I would say you are right and that’s just me at times.

Mini: Are you starving for attention or simply just have a huge ego?

Aka: Now, now, Mini look who is being rude and crude. Ha, ha, ha.

Mini: Such a hideous and sarcastic laugh! Get serious aka, you very well know what I mean by ego. You seem starved for attention and will do anything so that people will notice you. You think you are clever, amusing, charming, cultured and good looking. Why don’t you write something meaningful about life, or the smelter at Chatam? I think you are a very sad man aka, very, very sad.

Aka: I don’t know if to hang my head and cry or comment on your hemline slowly creeping up to the promise land. I much prefer the promise land thing though.

Mini: Aka, I believe there are men with very little hope in this world and you are one of them. Why don’t you see the folly of your ways and grow up. Life isn’t about fun and games, and creeping hemlines.

Aka: But I beg to differ. Life is to be enjoyed and I have spent too many years in my shell so now I am coming out of it in the form of a blog.

Mini: Shell? Are you some kind of turtle, a Ninja turtle perhaps!

Aka: One of my best friends reminded me about Ninja Turtles recently and it was good to remember.

Mini: Aka, there are reports that some blogers plan to protest your blogs and comments by burning tires on the connections leading to your blog. What do you have to say to that?

Aka: I would recommend they use Dunlop tires since it produces more and fouler smelling smoke. I think tire-burning is being perfected in this country and I also understand the University is planning to offer night classes in “Tire Burning and Road Blocking” but you have to bring your own tires.

Mini: Aka, you are either missing my point, being dumb, or being evasive again. People are appalled by your blogs and comments, and have decided to show their disapproval. Aren’t you the least bit concerned the protest will mushroom into violence and the defacing of your blogs?

Aka: Yes.

Mini: Yes what?

Aka: Yes Miss.

Mini: Be serious aka, your blog world is coming apart and you sit here like Nero, fiddling while Rome burns.

Aka: Oh my god, is Rome burning again? Was it tires this time?

Mini: Aka, you are beyond hope and redemption. I think you are pathetic and not fit to blog. I will recommend they take away your blogers license and be taught a lesson you will never forget!

Aka: I also would never forget that lesson you taught me while you did that lap dance. You nearly broke my…..

Mini: Enough Aka! People, including me, are becoming most fed up with your antics.

Aka: Sitting on a man’s ego is now called an antic? How quaint but painful. Shelly, I must admit you do paint this world in a very dim light.

Mini: I am not Shelly I am Mini. Shelly is the other one on CNC 3.

Aka: Sorry, you sound so much like her. Anyway, I think I must defend myself since, as you put it, my blog world is coming apart, but I don’t know what to say. In the world of blogging we can say things that we won’t say in real life. I would say bloging brings out the worst in me and that is my best. Some say I am confusing, some say I am confused. Both are right I guess. I would be the first to admit my mind is sane and enjoys life in many ways. I enjoy bloging and I also enjoy people not reading my blogs. I enjoy shouting in the middle of the forest so no one can hear. I also enjoy a little tire smoke and old cars dragged across the roadway. Life to me has now become several little things sewn together like a quilt. You can’t have a complete life unless you made a few little mistakes and no big ones. I think I am never what people expect unless they expect nothing. I am happy being me and I don’t even know how to put that in blog form. I can’t say if life is good or not because that would depend on if your car overheated this morning or the construction of the smelter has begun. That would also depend on if someone read and liked your poem, or if someone commented on your blog. There are so many things which affect life I would say it is neither good nor bad. I would say life simply is.

Mini: I hope you realized that you just spewed a whole heap of garbage again.

Aka: What’s one woman’s garbage is another woman’s treasure.

Mini: Here we go again.

Remember, Remember The Fifth of November


Remember, remember the fifth of November,
Gunpowder, treason and plot,
I see no reason why gunpowder treason
Should ever be forgot.

V for Vendetta is much more than another feel good “Let’s blow up Parliament” movie. It’s not the Matrix Part Four or a color version of Sin City. And despite the rumors you might have heard, the highlight of the movie for me was not the young South American shaped girl with low rider jeans passing up and down in front of me, occasionally brushing her… …legs against my knees. No, that was not the highlight. It (the brushing) was highly entertaining and pleasantly distracting, but it was not the highlight. Though it(the movie) was quite entertaining, it was much more than bits and pieces of clever dialog punctuated by diabolical action sequences. This movie made a statement about the state of the World and one likely cure if governments forget their true purpose and don’t stop screwing the people.

I never understood why people would describe something in terms of its components when it was designed to be used or enjoyed as a whole. People often review equipment, movies, books and low riding jeans in terms of two general categories what I liked and what I didn’t care for. They almost always list these care for and don’t care for items in bullet form for easy reading. The better reviews also put up photographs of low riding jeans viewed from every enjoyable angle. Today I will abandon tradition and use words to describe a movie which is too good for words and reviews.

To give you an insight as to the plot I will quote these words from the main character in the movie, V:

V: People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people.

It is a movie which some would say supports terrorism as a way to solve the problem of evil, oppressive and obsessive governments. The phrase “Remember, remember, the fifth of November” haunted the viewer throughout and it left the audience with a feeling of satisfaction up to the very end. V for Vendetta says that some governments are made up of ruthless, selfish people who use lies, deception, and fear to manipulate and control the citizens. The movie points out that there will come a time when the public will say they have had enough and a leader, called a terrorist by the government, will emerge to help take back the country from the evil, self serving government. I don’t see terrorism as an issue in the movie but I do see evil, oppressive governments as the main one.

I would say the Wachowski brothers of The Matrix fame made another excellent movie which cannot be analyzed into its components because everything fits so well together it would be impossible to take it apart. At the end of the movie I was overwhelmed with the feeling to blow up a building while listening to Tchaikovsky 1812 Overture booming away on an iPod.

A traitor to the Government can be a hero to the people. ~ another V

Con-flum-mox-ed – No Laughing Matter

He said: What movie do you want to see?

She said: Anything, it doesn’t matter.

He said: Ok, let’s see Hostel.

She said: No, not that, it’s scary.

He said: I thought you said anything.

She said: Yes, anything but I don’t want to see a scary movie.

He said: Walk The Line then.

She said: No, not that, it’s too country musicish.

He said: Fire Wall?

She said: It’s Firewall and no, too teckie.

He said: Memoirs of a Geisha?

She said: Read the book already.

He said: Good vibrations?

She said: Never heard about that, is it a Disney movie?

He said: Ahem! I don’t think so. I am seeing three x’s next to it and a duck, but I don’t think it’s Donald.

She said: Get serious, it’s the middle of the week!

He said: I am serious and I thought you said anything.

She said: Yes, yes, anything I am in the mood to see. Why are you turning red again?

He said: Do you know the meaning of the word “anything?”

She said: Yes I do and I am beginning to understand that you don’t.

He said: Now I am conflummoxrd.

She said: I thought we agreed you would not use that word anymore until the true meaning was sorted out.

He said: But I can’t wait on the Oxford people forever. They are currently studying it and wrote back saying they were Conflummoxrd.

She said: A likely story. I bet the Oxfordians are men.

He said: Two men actually, James Conflummoxed and his brother Jessy.

She said: No wonder they are Conflummoxed. How do you pronounce it.

He said: Con-flum-mox-ed. It’s a very sophisticated sounding word, almost like a serious medical condition.

She said: Is there a cure?

He said: Not yet but I am sure a breakthrough is eminent.

She said: Don’t you mean imminent?

He said: Can’t a cure be both eminent and imminent?

She said: If it’s a cure for Conflummoxed I suppose it can be both. What are the symptoms?

He said: A chronic case of infrequent, pathetic and meaningless blogs.

She said: Like this one then?

He said: I am afraid so.

Moments of Deep Hysteria

One always writes comedy at the moment of deepest hysteria. ~ V. S. Naipaul

I always thought this but Naipaul wrote it – it’s no wonder he is so good.

That one quotation sums up my Blog – I am a deeply hysterical man.

When ah Bandit Calls

A bandit suddenly pulls out a gun and points it at a man coming out of his car on a lonely road. Why ws he coming out his car on a lonely road is not the point of this blog. Read on.

Bandit: Get out ah the car, this is ah holdup!!

Victim: What? Doe shoot mih, ah begging yuh!

Bandit: Give mih yuh wallet!
Victim: Here, take it but leave me alone!

Bandit: Wat dat is in de back seat?

Victim: A laptop, doe take dat, it wouldn’t be of any use to you. Ah have all mih file in it.

Bandit: Why, because I is ah bandit yuh feel ah doe know how to use ah laptop? Yuh feel I is a chupidy? Yuh think I ain’t go noe about files. Sir, in prison is only files we does think about. How yuh think ah reach here? Is ah file ah use to cut mih way out yes. You telling me about files!! Look, ketch yuh self yes.

Victim: Leave me with something nah. Leave the laptop alone!

Bandit: You talking too much, yuh is ah big man. Get a grip and get in the trunk!

Victim: Ok, ok, take the laptop!

Bandit: Ah not asking permission yuh know breds! Nah, ah change mih mind, ah just upgrade the crime to ah kidnapping.

Victim: What you mean upgrade the crime! Yuh say it was hold up!

Bandit: So ah bandit cah change he mind? Look get in the dam trunk!

Victim: Yuh wasting yuh time, mih wife ain’t going to pay noe money fuh me.

Bandit: Looking at you ah doe blame she nah.

Victim: Wah yuh mean by that!

Bandit: Like yuh doe have ah mirror or wat. You forget who you talking too! Look at dis gun, see it! You look like one ah dem businessman who people does like to rob. You think is we alone is bandit. Every time yuh turn yuh back all yuh raising prices! Yuh think is we alone is bandit because we have gun? Nah, nah, you is ah bigger bandit! You does even take Linx!

Victim: Boss, is not me who raise prices, is inflation, and ah does take credit card too.

Bandit: Well sir, because of inflation, I have to upgrade this crime to a kidnapping with aggravation. You really aggravating me yes! Get in the trunk, NOW!

Victim: Ah have too much things in de trunk, ah cah fit dey nah.

Bandit: Boss, yuh so skinny yuh goe fit in ah 120Y glove compartment. Open de dam trunk!

Victim: Look, see for yourself.

Bandit: Jeeze, yuh is a mad man or wat? Yuh never clean dis trunk since yuh buy dis car, yuh doe go on de beach with it, yuh is ah psycho freak!

Victim: Nah, ah doe like beach too much.

Bandit: Yuh have any rope?

Victim: How long?

Bandit: About two or three feet nah, it a go take much to tie up yuh skinny tail. Big businessman like you an yuh never get tie up by a bandit before?

Victim: Yes, once at mih business place buh he use ah phone cord. New, new phone and he cut up the cord jus so.

Bandit: Man you look like trouble yes, gih mih de dam rope and leh me tie you up yes. Ah feel ah wasting mih time with you. Time is money in my line ah wuck.

The bandit ties up the skinny victim and leaves him at the side of the road. The bandit then drives away with the victim’s car, with laptop in the back seat and trunk still full with things to horrible to mention, even in this blog.

The Cringing Man and Other Tales of Woe

“When women speak, men cringe” is the popular saying from the perennial 10,000 B.C bestseller, “Surviving Women – A Caveman’s Guide To Happiness and Sanity – Vol. 3.” published by Baboon Press. Recent scientific studies done by the Men’s Survival Institute and Strip Club has made a direct link between women’s speech and men’s apparent deafness and cringing. It has also suggested a theory to explain the sudden rise in mid-week strip club attendance and the Colombian strippers, but that will be the subject of another long awaited photo-blog.

The Institute discovered that most men have an attention span of almost 30 seconds to a woman’s voice but a very small fraction of men mustered an amazing 45 second tolerance. The study also revealed that men’s attention span dwindled to 5 seconds once they were roped and placed into captivity by a female. This ground breaking research showed the comprehension rate of men deciphering women’s babble was half of a percent at best. However, The Institute surprisingly discovered that men’s attention span at strip clubs and miss bikini contest was somewhere close to infinite, with male test subjects having to be dragged away, sedated, and in extreme cases, neutered.

p.s. this blog was inspired by a certain bloger who is quite unforgiving to aka so he has decided to take his chances and run 🙂