Why Fast Food is Slow



The customer may always be right but that doesn’t mean the customer isn’t stupid. Casual observation of the slow-moving lines at fast food outlets would indicate something has gone dreadfully wrong and must be corrected immediately. It may be the way counter attendants operate, or the new wave of customers with no fast-food savvy. Customer stupidity might be the problem so naturally I am qualified to suggest a solution.

In order to make fast food outlets fast again I propose two types of lines at these outlets. One would be labeled “People Who Know What They Want aka: Smart Customers” and “People Who DO NOT Know What They Want aka: Stupid Customers.” There is no point in punishing the smart with the stupid so customers should know their fast-food ability. Further to this, the fast-food association should launch a massive advertising campaign alerting customers how to identify the tell-tail signs of mental dullness. Typically, stupid customers look at the menu board above in shock-and-awe every time. The stupid usually say things like “The fries big-big?” “Let me see what the biscuit look like? It does taste good?” “All yuh have breast? Gimme two nah. Not that breast, de leg next to it.” “Yuh have any vegetarian pizza with meat?” “Ah chicken roti with beef.”

A smart customer is a joy to behold in action because they know their stuff; their answers are faster and crisper than the food. They show mental alertness and spend less than one minute placing their order. A stupid customer, on the other hand, can spend as much as 15 minutes, and as long as 30 minutes at the counter before fast-food security is called in. The stupid-line will be staffed with specially trained psychologist who will guide them through the maze of choices. These customers would be required to wear a special red armband so they can be easily identified, and pulled out of the smart-line and herded where they belong. If these proposals are implemented then getting fast food will be fast once again.

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4 thoughts on “Why Fast Food is Slow

  1. “Kill the Stupid.”

    That’s my platform for life. You in?

    The stupid usually say things like “The fries big-big?” “Let me see what the biscuit look like? It does taste good?” “All yuh have breast? Gimme two nah. Not that breast, de leg next to it.” “Yuh have any vegetarian pizza with meat?” “Ah chicken roti with beef.”

    LMAO. That made me laugh for the first time in a while.

  2. Thinking about it now, I am incorrigible and a do have a twisted sense of humor. What I am not sure about is if being incorrigible and twisted are good or bad things to be 🙂

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