Dear Blog Friends



Dear Blog Friends,

When people ask me why I don’t blog more often I ask, which came first, the chicken or the egg. So far, almost half the people voted for the egg and the other half only eat fish because of the recent bird flu scare. My mother always said if you blog more then people will come, but I doubt she knew what a blog was but she said it anyway. Most people are like that, making pronouncements on things they know very little of like how to remove a permanent butt-tattoo or where to get them. In my line of bloging a level head, along with careful thought, is necessary if I am to continue to contribute to the much-needed human development of this planet, which I am now a part of despite loud protest from certain circles and a few other out of shape people. That would account for my lack of blog.

Unlike you, my Blog Friends, I have no over flown toilets or roommates from hell. I don’t write poetry or know any lyrics by Creed. I didn’t find the Googleplex first or even know about nine precious gifts. I also don’t know how to make Divas or how to start a new beginning. Despite not knowing, all these topics were in my head long before they appeared on my fellow bloggers blogs, but as the old saying goes, he who hesitates will take longer, and probably will not get a cheap Digicel phone.

The competition for comments in the blog-world is vicious and this has made the blogging atmosphere tense and not as friendly as it once was. Despite this turmoil in the industry I believe in letting people know they exist and they are not forgotten, if I remember that is. That is why I comment on blogs, even if only four or five paragraphs. In my opinion, we must always appreciate what we have and also pay homage to the five greatest inventions of our time, the wheel, the blog, the blog comment, the semi-permanent tattoo and the bikini.

Best Regards

aka_lol

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Floobletrix


“Floobletrix,” how that word has come back to haunt me like a bad haircut from a rude hairdresser in Curepe. Floobletrix was first coined by firebird in the shoutbox of a rather infamous blog by a rather good looking blooger (good looking in his mind that is). Floobletrix is no easy word to pronounce and an even harder word to say. Some say you have never lived until you Floobletrix in the back seat of a car or in the washroom of an airplane. My advice is “never believe anything you hear,” especially about Floobletrix, except what you will read in this blog. This Beach Called Life as been appointed the sole authority on Floobletrix by those who can do so solely.

This word is unique in that it can be used freely as a noun, verb, adverb, pronoun, conjunction, or some other thing, since it means many things to as many people. Floobletrix, as versatile as it is, should only be used with great caution since it takes ambiguity to an uncertain level. It is similar to the blank tile in Scrabble, only it’s a word not a tile. One other rule is that no letters are ever added to Floobletrix and it is used as is, or not at all. Always use the capital F in Floobletrix since it is not a common word.

Here are some of the common ways of using this uncommon word:

  • Floobletrix, I forgot the chicken in the oven! I hope it’s still alive.
  • Digicel has no more $49 phones; Floobletrix.
  • Dam, no cell signal, not even a single Floobletrix bmobile bar.
  • The PM regularly ate donkey brains in an attempt to gradually raise his IQ, but all he got was more Floobletrix for brains.
  • Life is not about Floobletrix, but how would I know.
  • The cleric preached about the ills of Floobletrix then promptly went back to his room for some more.
  • The magician was arrested after failing to make a rabbit come out of his pants pocket. All that managed to pop out of his pants was a regular sized Floobletrix that hopefully had seen better days. The police reported the investigation was scaled down because of the size of the Floobletrix and their doubts the evidence would even stand up in court.
  • Though the Floobletrix was not a specialist, his fees were so high you felt as if you had just visited a proctologist.
  • Before she was married she did not know her Floobletrix from her elbow, but after two years she was sure she was married to one (a Floobletrix, not an elbow).
  • He was sent to Floobletrix for seven years and came out with a better understanding of life and the perils of bending over to pick up the soap.

the simple things in life


Dying by accident is tragic, but can be doubly so if one dies in a compromising position on a vibrating bed in Bangkok while lying on an inflatable doll. Death is inevitable but, despite the aluminum smelter means death, it is not inevitable. Many years ago, Albert Einstein was asked if the Universe was infinite, to which he replied that he is not sure, but he is sure human stupidity is. There is now sufficient proof that this is still so as politicians continue to roam the planet, destroying everything in their path.

To make life simple, the members from the four top professions in the world (engineers, lawyers, doctors and blogers), decided there would only be two causes of death, natural and unnatural (yes, it normally takes four professions to decide two things). What goes where continues to be vague, but so far the Cause of Death Organization (CODO) has made some strong recommendations. Under natural causes there is disease, old age, stray bullets from gang-related-shoot-outs, uninstalling spyware, and checking the price of steel. Under unnatural causes there is homicide, suicide, angry spouse and/or girlfriend, runaway bus, flying stones from weed-whackers, smelter fumes – aka: political effluent, and inflatable dolls. Regardless of your conviction, or lack of it, you will die from a cause, but not necessarily while lying in Bangkok.

Like most people of this planet I don’t want to die too soon so, out of fear, I don’t waste time thinking about it. I also don’t willfully increase the odds of death happening sooner than necessary. I drive slow, eat healthy, avoid listening to political speeches, read The Hitchhikers Guide Four-Part Trilogy while climbing small hills, blog at least once a week, enjoy weekends, hate Mondays, download empeethrees, burn CDs, photograph everything, smile insanely, read blogs, refuse to grow up, keep an eye out for cell phone specials, collect pictures of Paris Hilton, and laugh while I write.

For me, life is simple and if I can get a Motorola C115 cell-phone for $49 I am happy. If I can top up at 10,000 locations across the country, I am ecstatic. Now, if only I can overcome my fear of cell phones life would be grand. Life is too short to waste on wanting, and the simple things in life are cheap, for everything else there is a layaway plan.

useless piece of information


Studies of fossils discovered during a recent CEPEP stone turning ceremony revealed, not only did the chicken not cross the road, but it wasn’t even a chicken. This shocking revelation was made possible by scientist studying the modern-day, mind-boggling phenomena called CEPEP. It was discovered the poultry that did attempt to cross the road was in fact a mutated and shortened turkey that had grown white feathers, probably because it lived near an aluminum smelter and close to a cell site in a newly demolished forested area. (The Back Against The Wall Journal reported that it was also very strange that shareholders of the smelter, and the politicians who approved it lived very far from the heavily-subsidized-user-of-gas).

This useless piece of information was discussed at a recent cabinet meeting but no final decision was made since most of the members fell asleep as if brain-dead, a condition typically brought on by aluminum intoxication. At a media conference held after the cabinet meeting, a refreshed, but delusional spokesperson said this discovery will in no way hamper Government’s “Lets Destroy the Country before its Too Late” initiative. The spokes person reassured the public and other environmentalist that even more bulldozers will be brought into the country to level the playing fields, and the Green to Brown assault on the country will continue. It was also said at the media conference that citizens who show any concern about their security, health, happiness, environment, children, fellow citizens, and the future of the country are only doing this because they have political agendas and are to be completely ignored, and if possible, victimized.

The media was reminded, under the present system of government, democracy ends after the last vote is cast on an election day, when the ownership of the country is passed on to the ruling bunch of politicians. It is only when the next general election is around the corner the elected bunch will appear to tolerate people-power. Until then, as the old saying goes, “is crapo smoke yuh pipe.”

Many Shapes and Sizes


The male ego can take many shapes and sizes and do this over a short period of time. What most people haven’t yet seen, or realized they have seen, is the male ego in the form of a blog. It is even more unsightly, but even more compelling in a disturbing sort of way. I now present to you my ego in blog form. If your heart is week and prone to sleepless nights when alone, or especially with company, do not click on any of the following links.

DO NOT CLICK THIS LINK – ?

OR THIS LINK – ??

NOT SURE ABOUT THIS LINK EITHER – ?

WHO KNOWS – ?

p.s. This will more than likely be my last reference of the male ego for quite some time. I am doing this by popular request and also for no other reason.

Red-Thing


A few weeks ago, just after I put up my Carnival 2006 albums, I received an email from an unfriendly fan accusing me of favoring Digicel over bmobile. This annoying, but charming girl said she looked at all the Carnival photographs I put up and decided that Digicel was more favored than the incumbent bmobile. She was blunt and asked if I was on the take from Digicel. I didn’t immediately respond to the email since I was too busy basking in the glory of my Carnival photographs. Like with all things pretty, this initial excitement over the photos quickly died, and it is only now I have the sense of mind to give this accusation some thought. (Beautiful things can be intoxicating but overexposure can lead to indifference; but that’s beside the point. Also, I am out of blog material and I understand that I must blog often if I am to make a name for myself in the blog world.)

The answer to this accusation would be that I have no affiliation to Digicel or dislike bmobile any more than the average man on the street would. Digicel banners, t-shirts, and stickers were all over the place and my lenses could hardly avoid those bright red banners being a backdrop for the bikini-mas my camera is so fond off. I would say that the Digicel people knew what they were doing, knowing that Carnivals are probably the most photographed events in the world, second only to voyeur beach pictures and that of drunken friends at parties. Digicel apparently beat bmobile at what bmobile is famous for, propaganda.

I want to make it quite clear that I will not simply jump onto the Digicel bandwagon because I like red-things or once knew an Irish girl. I would be waiting to see who has the better deals and better network. I want more, I want to pay less, but I don’t want any more shoes.

p,s. The photo above shows how Digicel must be feeling about the whole interconnection fiasco. The worst is hopefully over with Digicel finally opening their doors to the public on Thursday.

Dear Aka



Dear Aka,

I am one of those many women who take offence to most of your blogs. It’s not only your poor use of grammar, esthetic use of punctuation, or shabby attempt at humor, but it’s also the way you portray women in your blogs and movies. Personally, I find you make too much unreasonable fun of women and not enough reasonable fun of men. I believe Mini has a right to be annoyed but you don’t want to take her seriously. Yoo are cocky and arrogant and I wish you a bad woman.

Dream Woman

Somewhere Out There

—–

Dear Dream Woman,

Where have you been all my life?

I am not sure if you are really offended by the blogs or the fact that Mini is having a hard time with me. I think most women would have a HARD time with me but I am not going to use this blog for cheap advertisement and ego inflation.

It’s about time I reveal to you who Mini really is – she is a blog character who lives somewhere in my head, and speaks incessantly, but with a pleasing tone, crossing and uncrossing her legs at the most inappropriate times while I am looking from the most appropriate angle. Mini is a combination of women I have met, liked and feared. Some I have met in person, while others I have met via email, movies, umbrella, runaway-car, blog, and divine intervention (according to them that is). Apart from her taste in clothes, choice of interviewees, and amazing leg-crossing skills, Mini may not be the woman of my dreams but just a woman in my dreams. Mini, like Aka, is a work in progress and you never know what they would do next, or where they may do it. Stay tuned.

In real life, I find women are frighteningly intelligent and accurately perceptive, that is why I make so much fun of them via blog. I am afraid, very afraid to do so in person because I want to live and blog longer. My humor is my way of reducing that fear and it’s the equivalent to whistling in the dark, or telling a joke in the cemetery at midnight while searching for spare body parts on Halloween night.

Yoo are cocky and arrogant. Was that a typoo or meant to show disrespect for aka? No offence taken so it must be a typoo. Doesn’t cocky mean arrogant? In a man’s world cocky doesn’t mean arrogant so thanks.

I wish you a bad woman. Thanks again, I needed that.

Aka_lol
Here, There and Everywhere