Why I should not be fired by AG Ram

Despite previous public perception, I am the Attorney General who knows nutting about criminal law. Now under this maladministration we had a Minister of Justice who knew quite a bit about criminals so that is why the PM fire he ass. I see no reason to resign because I was so ignorant about criminal law it ain’t funny. I couldn’t even tell the difference between a purse snatcher and a white collar criminal. In fact, when Section 34 went before cabinet I fly away fast, fast because whether I was there or in Alaska, it wouldn’t ah make ah damn difference and I think the PM was fully cognisant of this. However it should be noted that only last night I ordered two books from Amazon Bargain Books section, Criminal Law for Dummies and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Criminal Law. With this new found knowledge I will now be able to advise Cabinet properly and at a level they can understand. I am surprised people are calling for my head and I only assume it is because I have fat cheeks. And, no, stupidity is never a reason to be dismissed from cabinet because if that was the case the cabinet of this country will be nearly empty all the time.

Trinidad and Tobago’s Latest Law Hole

It is rumored that self-proclaimed law experts, Anand and Hubert, will not be getting their complimentary iPads from Parliament as punishment for sneakily making a hole in a brand new law through which two of the country’s most popular accused criminals, Ish and Steve, had planned to escape.  It is also rumored that Hubert has already protested this latest atrocity saying he will get a medical certificate stating his heart was set on an iPad 2 while Anand bawled out how he needed not one, but two tablets for his latest headache.  If these rumors are true then the legal duo will have to continue to tote millions of dollars worth of paper in an out of Parliament while their colleagues pretend their tablets are on.

When the news to this latest Government-approved law hole was highlighted by the press, the public and Government officials feigned surprise and horror with some true supporters wondering why the Government was taking so long to pay their pipers.

Bandits Shout Duck before Crying Foul

The Bandits Association of Trinidad and Tobago (BanATT) was catapulted into mourning and anger yesterday when they learnt the Police took down three of their members. One member of the association who was both not authorized to speak to the media and on the run from Police for some time, lamented how the Bandits were only trying to make the usual dishonest dollar. He said first it was the curfew, and now they have Police Officers that could shoot reasonably straight even in a crisis at 2:00 am. The unofficial spokesperson for BanATT said that the Police officers were equipped with bullet-proof vest, well maintained guns and a regular pay check while the bandits were simply armed with three or four guns, which could effectively kill a  few unarmed, law-abiding citizens during a daily robbery but the weapons seem of little use in shootouts with the Police. He lamented this disadvantage and hoped to invest some of the money he will soon get from his new government handout, disguised as a job, in better tools for bandits. The spokesperson said their Association may take the case to the Equal Opportunity Commission as Police seem to be preventing Bandits from carrying out their trade while allowing the law-abiding to make an honest dollar. He stressed the Association has nothing against people making an honest dollar since it was the honest dollar from the man in the street that  keeps their members happy and well fed. A similar sentiment was also expressed by CL Financial investors.

A Just a Joke, Right?

The General Elections of 2010 in Trinidad and Tobago will go down as one of the most creative in the country’s history due to the expertise citizens have developed in using Photoshop, or maybe even Gimp. I had to laugh when I saw this most scandalous depiction of our Honorable Prime Minister and even became angry that people would cast dictatorial tendencies aspersions on our democratically elected PM. Some say if he wins elections he will remove corruption from the list of crimes in our law books in order to fulfill his dream of a church in the bush. Some say he will not do that but have an amnesty on corruption for at least the next five years.  But regardless of what will happen if PM PM PM wins, I think the General outfit suits him.

Related articles by Zemanta

• VIDEO: Beyonce Dances At Carnival In Trinidad (hellobeautiful.com)
• World GTL Inc Files Largest Ever Lawsuit Against Trinidad Government-Owned Petrotrin (newswire.ca)
• Around The Blogosphere 04 February 10 (dave-lucas.blogspot.com)
• USA Today’s Trinidad and Tobago edition launched (newstatesman.com)
• Chile 2-0 Trinidad & Tobago: Morales nets opener (soccernet.espn.go.com)

Corruption – A Career Path for the Young and the Restless

Recently, I was talking to a group of form 5 students about career selection and I was not so shocked when just below half the class said they wanted to go into the blossoming and rewarding field of corruption. Only a few years ago students wanted to become doctors, lawyer, engineers, economist and fast food cooks then that all changed with the drug trade. Now, even the attraction of being a gang leader, a community gang leader, drug pusher, pimp, URP Forman, coastguard man or Syrian has given way to becoming corruptible at several levels including the highest ones. I laughed to myself and realized these students were still dreaming so I told these students it is not good enough to say they want to get into corruption and they must have a plan.

One student, a boy, stated he wanted to get into the political side of corruption while many more wanted to be on the contracting side of things. At this stage I couldn’t believe these students were so ill-informed and I had to point out that there was also a great degree of corruption in the private sector where there was not only a high degree of nepotism but contracts for building new offices are given to friends of directors rather than the most competitive contractor who did not factor in kickbacks in his bid. I also had to indicate that corruption was like a religion and I wasn’t talking about pedophilia but the fact they must also peddle garbage to the masses to get people to worship them so they can be forgiven for their obvious thievery if discovered.

Naturally, no talk to the young ones can take place about corruption without the mentioning of jail so I pointed out, quite sternly, that corruption was against the law and to be successful at corruption they must have the law, especially the police investigating team and forensic investigators, on their side. I stressed that corruption is a group activity and these people will become part of their corruption network and it’s not just the big cheese that gets the entire cake, condo or church. They laughed at me said “Duh!” Many said they were already members of the youth arm of suitable political parties to start their career path and network rolling. At the end of my talk I didn’t feel hollow or nauseated but instead, I felt a sense of calm knowing the youth of today will become, not garbage collectors, but wealthy garbage collection contractors bribing public officials for jobs. I felt reassured that the next incomplete highway to nowhere will be built by a corrupt local contractor and not an imported, unscrupulous Malaysian company. The future of our country is in good hands and the example set by the generations before will not have been in vain. Our future is bright but it’s just that we are too incorruptible to see.

Invading The Prime Minister’s Mansion’s Privacy

Disclaimer by Hotel Normandy, Trinidad and Tobago

I assume the Hotel was advised by competent attorneys about the sequence of words and format of this disclaimer.It sounds and looks desperate to me. I suppose even buildings and flag poles paid for with taxpayers’ dollars have feelings too.

If I stay in my yard and effortlessly take a few dozen photos of my neighbor climbing her plum tree in her favorite hole-ridden shorts then that should not be considered illegal though her shorts may be considered immoral by the religious and the afraid. If I jump over the fence to get a better shot of her, that would be illegal, I assume, but fun, I am sure. If a friend comes to my home and takes the same photos with his  image-stabilized, 12x zoom without asking my permission then I may have to place a disclaimer notice in the newspaper after he publishes the photo in the Sunday Punch or any similarly scandalous tabloid just to save face.

Note: She (neighbor) was not wearing a shorts that was bought with taxpayers’ dollars and she is living in her own home which she pays the mortgage using her own funds and not taxpayers’ dollars. She does consider herself special but she is almost never arrogant or swells up like a bullfrog in public. She also has no flag poles in her yard but has one or two Chinese friends.

I have no idea what is legal or not in photography. It’s so confusing and fun.

Only In Trinidad and Tobago

Only in a non-2020 country would steel sticking out the rear be considered normal and a career goal.

Is this truck/van driver breaking the law? Well, probably not depending which police station you complain to.  Everybody knows that the worst people to ask if something is against the law in Trinidad and Tobago are policemen, or policewomen, followed by school principals with a thing for strippers.

In Trinidad and Tobago we are so accustomed to what is wrong we have no idea what is right or red. Judging from the amount of shoulder-hoggers who also go to church for heaven sakes, and who would get into a rage if you try to filter correctly, I would say we are truly blessed since we have the law on the majority’s side.

Cell Phones, Horns, Foreplay, and Bull Pissel

An old Ford Cortina moves at donkey-cart speed on the fast lane of the highway. The driver is a gray-haired,  old man taking on a cell phone to his 21-year-old, pregnant girlfriend who just came home from partying all night. He is unaware he is being tailgated by a big Mack truck running on diesel and rage. Several horns pierce the busy highway and the old man’s life but he doesn’t notice; he is cut off from the rest of the world by the joys of technology and the promise of Viagra  ~ aka_lol

That was not the opening paragraph from a novel I have any intentions of writing but it was triggered by a scene I noticed on the highway this morning. The old man seemed unaware of the disruption he was causing or the danger involved and he is like the millions who use cell phones on the road; ignorant of the horns.

The most abused modern device is not a laptop downloading porn but a cell phone being answered. The cell has made pigs of most of us since when it rings it becomes our master, even interrupting foreplay, or when on vibrate mode, starting it. The call could be something as trivial as a wife asking a husband to make his own meals from now on, or eventful as a special offer from KFC – Extra Crispy.

Cell phones have made pigs of us and we seem powerless to stop it from taking over our lives, from hearing sirens, from noticing horns. The abuse of cell phones doesn’t end with pig-manners but instead it sometimes ends in embarrassing insurance claims or undertakers.

Making the use of cell phones in moving cars illegal will not solve the problem since most aren’t afraid of the law because the law is hard to find except at casino vaults and in police station ceilings. But most of us are afraid of the bull pissel aka the bull bouy, or pizzel, a potent whip made from the penis of a bull. But in order to ensure animal rights, a synthetic bull penis is being developed for whipping purposes only at a popular, secret bull bouy laboratory.

Trinidad and Tobago folklore says, when used properly and regularly, the bull pissel has the potential to point crooked lives in the right direction just moments after the deviant regains consciousness.  I think we need to allow the bull pissel to play an important part in the lives of cell phone abusers and some at UDECOTT. We need the bull pissel not only to straighten out the crooked ones but so that the better people can feel satisfaction again.

Related articles by Zemanta

• Working, Talking and Texting While Driving: Something’s Got To Give (treehugger.com)
• Texting Driver Who Killed 2 Wants New Law (abcnews.go.com)

What The Minister Meant to Say – Trinidad and Tobago Budget News

The Minister of Budgets

Racket House,

Flood Street,

Port of  Spain

Dear Fellow Citizens,

If you were one of the lucky ones who were able to see me on TV charm the population with the 2010 budget, you would by now be driving at no more than 80 kmph or resolved to never turn into the Priority Bus Route again. You may even be shopping on Amazon for car seats for your precious but unruly toddlers because it’s cheaper on the Internet. Yes, you would have yielded to commonsense and suddenly understand what is right but mostly you would have realized that your caring Government is serious about your wellbeing and especially your money. And as I said in the Budget:

The Government acknowledges that the current level of lawlessness in our society is unacceptable. We will not waiver from our zero-tolerance posture towards criminal activity: from the traffic violator to the kidnapper, from the white-collar criminal to the drug trafficker, the message to the criminals is simple: you will be found and brought to justice and you will feel the full brunt of the law. The Government will act to eliminate criminal activity at all levels, especially gang related activity and the threat posed by international drug syndicates and their attendants, the money launderers, who threaten not only the physical well being of our citizens but our economic and social fabric.

That was not a joke. I repeat that was not a joke. How many damn times must we say this, eh!

Despite what we have said before and though we say we want to fine you to save you we hope you don’t take us on too seriously this time. Why? Because, little people, we need the fine-money to fix potholes, bridges and CL Financial. So, go ahead and drive on the shoulder like before, speed like Usain Bolt, loosen that seat belt on the sight of an Officer and try not to restrain your children so much. People saying that Police doe catch nobody anyhow, but you must remember we will be redirecting police officers from hiding things in the ceiling, burning evidence and casino vault duty to the more lucrative traffic and insulting-citizens duty. Murder, as you may know by now, can cause grief but we, The Government, don’t find and fine anybody for murder , so why spend money to make none. Besides, if we clamp down on murderers and robbers there will be mass retrenchment in the Security Officers sector and retrenchment can’t win an election especially when people damn fed up with everything.

I hope this little note answers some of the concerns the budget caused. Though we would be running at a big deficit it, as we said before, ain’t our fault. Is de gas and oil price fault.

Send in The Clown – Crime in Trinidad and Tobago

e

So Kevin Baldeosingh is still not now writing for any local newspaper because of religious reasons and Pro Max is still at large because of his politics and contempt. But life goes on even if criminals have cranked it up two notches and Martin Joseph has graced our TV screens with an image of confident cluelessness. Still, I find it hard to dislike Martin Joseph since my ridiculously happy childhood prevents me from hating a clown. I can laugh at a clown, I can run from a clown, and I can even kick a clown in its balls if necessary but I cannot hate a clown.  But Martin is not responsible for crime in the country and he is only responsible for admitting in public what the murder toll is. Outside of that public reporting function, Mr. Joseph has very little to do except to make sure criminal deportees are welcomed, the latest crime plan goes to waste in cabinet, and that there is enough helium for the blimp to float in the sky.

To make matters ridiculous, there are reports appearing in the Guardian today that says a Jamaican hit man was hired to assassinate a senior police officer. Putting a hit on anyone is disgusting but with the Chinese already getting jobs ahead of locals at Alutrint and there is now a threat that the hit man industry may go Jamaican, I see another protest brewing. What is wrong with our local snipers? Haven’t they been doing a good job for years? Why take out a hit on a police officer since police officers have very little involvement in solving any crime? Is that our 2020 vision? Is the importation of Jamaican criminal talent any way to develop our local crime industry? This is wrong for the country and even someone like Pro Max could see this.

Another Thought:

A senior police officer says the multimillion dollar CCTV cameras installed to protect Summit leaders are still working and as soon as any camera stops working there is an alarm at the Command Center causing a technician to be immediately dispatched to fix the delinquent camera. We await the images from these working cameras showing when the driver of the truck  near the Maloney intersection was hijacked and murdered in daylight, close to a CCTV camera. I wonder if the criminals know more about the CCTV system than the senior police officers? Just wondering.

The UDECOTT Defense

There are two teams of high-power lawyers defending UDECOTT at the Commission of Enquiry, which means citizens of Trinidad and Tobago are paying millions of dollars, times two, to represent (or is it defend) itself against itself. The people at UDECOTT would argue they didn’t ask for the Commission of Enquiry (and for good reason) but now the Commission is a fact of life, it has to defend itself with all its might, all its soul, and all the taxpayer’s dollars it can, once again, lay its hands on.

The teams of lawyers representing UDECOTT are saying their client is being unfairly attacked which I take to mean their client would prefer to be fairly attacked but have no problem with an attack, per se. That, however, is a layman’s view and subject to misinterpretation by even an average lawyer. I don’t know if these lawyers are that clever or worth the money they are being paid but as far as I am concerned these lawyers are inciting thoughts of violence when the word attack is used in the same sentence with the word UDECOTT. Instead, these lawyers should have used the more passive synonym for attack, bother and say “UDECOTT just doesn’t want to be bothered.”

When highly paid lawyers are being paid big taxpayers’ dollars to defend something that cannot be defended they beg for the stadium not to be consider as a typical example of their client’s work. This is similar to a man being sentenced for robbery saying “look how many people you can’t prove I robbed.” I would be the first to agree that lawyers have to do their job which is to represent their clients to the best of the lawyers’ ability, even if that means they ( the lawyers) have to stand up in full view of the public and bray like an ass. It seems the law is not the only ass in town and taxpayers continue to fund stables of them.