Why I should not be fired by AG Ram


Despite previous public perception, I am the Attorney General who knows nutting about criminal law. Now under this maladministration we had a Minister of Justice who knew quite a bit about criminals so that is why the PM fire he ass. I see no reason to resign because I was so ignorant about criminal law it ain’t funny. I couldn’t even tell the difference between a purse snatcher and a white collar criminal. In fact, when Section 34 went before cabinet I fly away fast, fast because whether I was there or in Alaska, it wouldn’t ah make ah damn difference and I think the PM was fully cognisant of this. However it should be noted that only last night I ordered two books from Amazon Bargain Books section, Criminal Law for Dummies and The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Criminal Law. With this new found knowledge I will now be able to advise Cabinet properly and at a level they can understand. I am surprised people are calling for my head and I only assume it is because I have fat cheeks. And, no, stupidity is never a reason to be dismissed from cabinet because if that was the case the cabinet of this country will be nearly empty all the time.

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Trinidad and Tobago’s Latest Law Hole


It is rumored that self-proclaimed law experts, Anand and Hubert, will not be getting their complimentary iPads from Parliament as punishment for sneakily making a hole in a brand new law through which two of the country’s most popular accused criminals, Ish and Steve, had planned to escape.  It is also rumored that Hubert has already protested this latest atrocity saying he will get a medical certificate stating his heart was set on an iPad 2 while Anand bawled out how he needed not one, but two tablets for his latest headache.  If these rumors are true then the legal duo will have to continue to tote millions of dollars worth of paper in an out of Parliament while their colleagues pretend their tablets are on.

When the news to this latest Government-approved law hole was highlighted by the press, the public and Government officials feigned surprise and horror with some true supporters wondering why the Government was taking so long to pay their pipers.

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Bandits Shout Duck before Crying Foul


The Bandits Association of Trinidad and Tobago (BanATT) was catapulted into mourning and anger yesterday when they learnt the Police took down three of their members. One member of the association who was both not authorized to speak to the media and on the run from Police for some time, lamented how the Bandits were only trying to make the usual dishonest dollar. He said first it was the curfew, and now they have Police Officers that could shoot reasonably straight even in a crisis at 2:00 am. The unofficial spokesperson for BanATT said that the Police officers were equipped with bullet-proof vest, well maintained guns and a regular pay check while the bandits were simply armed with three or four guns, which could effectively kill a  few unarmed, law-abiding citizens during a daily robbery but the weapons seem of little use in shootouts with the Police. He lamented this disadvantage and hoped to invest some of the money he will soon get from his new government handout, disguised as a job, in better tools for bandits. The spokesperson said their Association may take the case to the Equal Opportunity Commission as Police seem to be preventing Bandits from carrying out their trade while allowing the law-abiding to make an honest dollar. He stressed the Association has nothing against people making an honest dollar since it was the honest dollar from the man in the street that  keeps their members happy and well fed. A similar sentiment was also expressed by CL Financial investors.

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A Just a Joke, Right?


General or President ManningThe General Elections of 2010 in Trinidad and Tobago will go down as one of the most creative in the country’s history due to the expertise citizens have developed in using Photoshop, or maybe even Gimp. I had to laugh when I saw this most scandalous depiction of our Honorable Prime Minister and even became angry that people would cast dictatorial tendencies aspersions on our democratically elected PM. Some say if he wins elections he will remove corruption from the list of crimes in our law books in order to fulfill his dream of a church in the bush. Some say he will not do that but have an amnesty on corruption for at least the next five years.  But regardless of what will happen if PM PM PM wins, I think the General outfit suits him.

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Corruption – A Career Path for the Young and the Restless


Recently, I was talking to a group of form 5 students about career selection and I was not so shocked when just below half the class said they wanted to go into the blossoming and rewarding field of corruption. Only a few years ago students wanted to become doctors, lawyer, engineers, economist and fast food cooks then that all changed with the drug trade. Now, even the attraction of being a gang leader, a community gang leader, drug pusher, pimp, URP Forman, coastguard man or Syrian has given way to becoming corruptible at several levels including the highest ones. I laughed to myself and realized these students were still dreaming so I told these students it is not good enough to say they want to get into corruption and they must have a plan.

One student, a boy, stated he wanted to get into the political side of corruption while many more wanted to be on the contracting side of things. At this stage I couldn’t believe these students were so ill-informed and I had to point out that there was also a great degree of corruption in the private sector where there was not only a high degree of nepotism but contracts for building new offices are given to friends of directors rather than the most competitive contractor who did not factor in kickbacks in his bid. I also had to indicate that corruption was like a religion and I wasn’t talking about pedophilia but the fact they must also peddle garbage to the masses to get people to worship them so they can be forgiven for their obvious thievery if discovered.

Naturally, no talk to the young ones can take place about corruption without the mentioning of jail so I pointed out, quite sternly, that corruption was against the law and to be successful at corruption they must have the law, especially the police investigating team and forensic investigators, on their side. I stressed that corruption is a group activity and these people will become part of their corruption network and it’s not just the big cheese that gets the entire cake, condo or church. They laughed at me said “Duh!” Many said they were already members of the youth arm of suitable political parties to start their career path and network rolling. At the end of my talk I didn’t feel hollow or nauseated but instead, I felt a sense of calm knowing the youth of today will become, not garbage collectors, but wealthy garbage collection contractors bribing public officials for jobs. I felt reassured that the next incomplete highway to nowhere will be built by a corrupt local contractor and not an imported, unscrupulous Malaysian company. The future of our country is in good hands and the example set by the generations before will not have been in vain. Our future is bright but it’s just that we are too incorruptible to see.

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Invading The Prime Minister’s Mansion’s Privacy


Disclaimer's Notice - Hotel Normandy

Disclaimer by Hotel Normandy, Trinidad and Tobago

I assume the Hotel was advised by competent attorneys about the sequence of words and format of this disclaimer.It sounds and looks desperate to me. I suppose even buildings and flag poles paid for with taxpayers’ dollars have feelings too.

If I stay in my yard and effortlessly take a few dozen photos of my neighbor climbing her plum tree in her favorite hole-ridden shorts then that should not be considered illegal though her shorts may be considered immoral by the religious and the afraid. If I jump over the fence to get a better shot of her, that would be illegal, I assume, but fun, I am sure. If a friend comes to my home and takes the same photos with his  image-stabilized, 12x zoom without asking my permission then I may have to place a disclaimer notice in the newspaper after he publishes the photo in the Sunday Punch or any similarly scandalous tabloid just to save face.

Note: She (neighbor) was not wearing a shorts that was bought with taxpayers’ dollars and she is living in her own home which she pays the mortgage using her own funds and not taxpayers’ dollars. She does consider herself special but she is almost never arrogant or swells up like a bullfrog in public. She also has no flag poles in her yard but has one or two Chinese friends.

I have no idea what is legal or not in photography. It’s so confusing and fun.

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Only In Trinidad and Tobago


only-in-trinidad

Only in a non-2020 country would steel sticking out the rear be considered normal and a career goal.

Is this truck/van driver breaking the law? Well, probably not depending which police station you complain to.  Everybody knows that the worst people to ask if something is against the law in Trinidad and Tobago are policemen, or policewomen, followed by school principals with a thing for strippers.

In Trinidad and Tobago we are so accustomed to what is wrong we have no idea what is right or red. Judging from the amount of shoulder-hoggers who also go to church for heaven sakes, and who would get into a rage if you try to filter correctly, I would say we are truly blessed since we have the law on the majority’s side.

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