Only In Trinidad and Tobago – CHOGM a Success

Yes, CHOGM was a resounding success with all the aircrafts and people destined to leave Trinidad and Tobago now out of the country. Sorry if I sound like I don’t like world leaders, journalist dollars and simplemindedness but it’s just that I am fed up of people making statements out of politeness rather than knowledge.

Every report on the outcome of CGOGM could have been written weeks, months or years before the first bowl of corn soup was served at the Port of Spain Hyatt.  I am sure most citizens of the Commonwealth did not even know there was a CHOGM and those who knew were simply glad their leader was not around for the weekend. The calling of the 2009 CHOGM a success was probably written on the very the day one crazy man with an inferiority complex chip on his shoulder decided to hold the meeting at the country’s expense, not his.

There were no surprises at CHOGM, the Queen had a ball and world leaders were impressed. Both leaders and their current wives loved the culture and think people should be allowed to drum as much as they want. All found the natives hospitable and the natives they saw in person were not naked, unlike some on the Internet.  The Aussies, with boats and helicopters still on their minds, honored an honorable citizen. The only thing that CHOGM did for citizens of this country was to send the fed up level well above 69% but still far away from the instability level of 96.73%. I want my hospital bed, community centre and private jet now.

The Fed Up 69% – Trinidad and Tobago

As is normal with international gatherings of world leaders and hot air, a group who knows Trinidad and Tobago better than any foreign or local politician has taken out a full-page ad to alert leaders about impostors amongst their midst. Impostors who scarcely understand the game of cricket despite living in the West Indies for too long. I am not fed up as I am numb. I don’t blame the government for their arrogance towards citizens because arrogance is a byproduct of ignorance and stupidity, not the cause. Politicians are part of society – not the best part though – and have evolved into what they are today because they were misguided into thinking they have the divine right to do as they please, as if Trinidad and Tobago was not a democracy.  We have a leader, when armed with two lines of data, thinks he has volumes of knowledge but what he really has is a misunderstanding of public sentiment and a most compliant police service who will protect and serve only one master.

CHOGM – So What!

The Prime Minister has asked me and the other citizens to be supportive of CHOGM (pronounced chewing gum) which might include no negative blogging or making fun of it. The Prime Minister has also asked me, along with other gullible citizens, to look out for foreign investments after CHOGM as investments might be so small we all have to keep our collective eyes open for it. Even if we don’t get CHOGM investments because of traffic, crime, flooding and school children regularly killing each other with 10-inch kitchen knives, we will be happier because of CHOGM starting Monday. Some citizens have already benefited from CHOGM with carefully orchestrated economic activity thrown their way. “Just get it now, I don’t want to know the price. The Queen  coming, and Sarkozy too” one organizer was heard whispering on the phone to a friend. “Sarco who? But anyway, it expensive” said the friend. “So what! You ever hear about the new property tax!” the organizer snickered.

The Queen and other major people will be coming for CHOGM but very few will drive on a traffic road or tour our shanty towns. Very few will meet a normal citizen or have any recollection of our country’s name after Sunday lunch. How can we benefit by the arrogant, head-laughing-stock flying in via jet from fifty something countries,  gathering under one roof to talk about polar ice and eat corn soup that was made in an aluminum pot.

Yes, most citizens still think CHOGM is a few-hundred-million dollar joke and will not benefit citizens in any way.  Most see CHOGM and the big flagpole as a drain on our scarce foreign exchange and the reason for the increased property tax.  Maybe most of the benefits of CHOGM will come in the not too distant future as the Treasury is confirmed empty and the Government increases another tax. Maybe the real benefits of CHOGM will be felt when the Government starts its final plunder for dollars to buy a private jet by attacking those once stable pension funds with their party-backers-financiers. “So what!”

The Prime Minister’s Speech – The Missing Pages

A few pages from PM PM’s speech fell out of his folder as he was walking to the stage to address party supporters at the opening of  a made in China building.  A man who looked like a regular citizen, a man who can’t afford either a house in Miami or sardines in the grocery, found the pages and ran to give PM PM the sheets. PM PM looked around, and as he does with all regular citizens, ignored the man. If PM PM had taken the sheets from the citizen, PM PM’s China speech would have been complete. Here are some excerpts from those missing pages that was leaked like a beauty queen sex tape to this blog:

“My dear friends, as we plunge the country into insurmountable debt and move into a new era of waste and reckless spending, we will see contracts awarded to more and more contractors via UDECOTT, the shining example of my feeling towards the citizens of Trinidad and Tobago – I don’t give a shirt or a slacks. My brothers and sisters, it will happen.

Over the next few months, and well into the future or until your untimely demise, we, the Government, will be collecting taxes from citizens like never before.  The property tax will be improved so as to give the Government more and more funds to take care of San Fernando Hill, UDECOTT contractors and urgent flag poles. It will happen, my dear friends. It will happen. As you slowly crawl or sail in and out of Port of Spain on a daily basis, we, the Government, will be hoisting even more and bigger flags around the City that you will be able to see from as far as the Bailey bridge in Macoya, and on a clear day, our Golden Grove Prison. My dear friends, you tell me what is the cost of the National Pride you feel while sitting for hours in traffic or while being robbed at the Beetham, Mt. D’or, Penal Rock Road or San Fernando Hill knowing there is a big flag close by? I, not you, my brothers and sisters, know the true cost of National Pride and I have it right here in my back pocket. Suck it in, my dear friends. Suck it in.

My growing numbers of detractors have been saying many nasty things about my kidney and Hart and I want to assure you, My Dear Friends, my kidney is functioning well but my Hart is simply the best. Those of you who have been undergoing increased frustrations due to increased crime, corruption at the licensing office, incompetence at the passport offices,  a National Security Minister without a clue, and a Minister of Works who, despite knowing it all, accomplishes very little to ease your daily frustrations, I say to you, my brothers and sisters, Steups.”

Steups – The Mood of the Nation

I got this idea from Scene’s last blog post.

Only a few weeks ago I  saw the Mint from Diana with the word that I, and everybody in Trinidad and Tobago have been saying (in bold and red) more than usual, Steups.  Because of this, I decided to give Diana’s Steups some free ad space for understanding the mood of the nation better than any politician alive today. I also dedicate this blog post to those who make us feel no National Pride but only Steups instead.

Patrick Manning – Steups

Basdeo Panday – Steups

Gary Hunt – Steups

$2 Million Dollar Flag Pole – Steups

Colom Imbert – Steups

Bailey Bridge – Steups

Flooding – Steups

Trincity Mall – Steups

Neil Parsanlal – Steups

Calder Hart – Steups

Michael Annisett – Steups

UDECOTT – Steups

Barry Sinanan – Steups

Corruption – Steups

Traffic, Traffic Everywhere – Steups

Martin Joseph – Steups

CoP Philbert – Steups

The Blimp – Steups

Crime Wave – Steups

Jerry Narace – Steups

Karen Nunez-Tesheira – Steups

Integrity Commission – Steups

Max Richards – Steups

Licensing Office (especially Omera) – Steups

Passport Office (ALL) – Steups

Shoulder Riders – Steups

CHOGM – Steups

WASA (Pothole Crews) – Steups

Please Feel Free to Add

If You Can’t Beat Them, Shoot Them – The Public Cries

Cops Kill 3 Kidnappers appeared to be the best news the crime-battered Trinidad and Tobago public had since hearing their cricket team made it to the 20Twenty finals in India.

From the stories all three newspapers carried, a businessman from Champs Fleur was kidnapped yesterday morning. The police were alerted and soon found the kidnappers’ car and gave chase. According to the newspapers, it was a high speed chase and not a low speed one. The kidnappers, realizing these police officers were heavily armed and not easy, decided to abandon their victim and ran through some bushes to escape fate and possibly some good licks. The kidnappers – young men from Beverly Hills- had guns and concluded, like any good criminal would, that they cannot escape without shooting at the police. Little did these kidnappers know that this team of police officers was being led by ASP Johnny Abraham, a colorful character and a no-nonsense police officer. As the saying goes, a team is as good as its leader so the bandits, lacking leadership and bulletproof vests, succumbed to the several bullet holes they received from Abraham’s team. One kidnapper escaped and I feel it’s only a matter of time before he meets his bullet. I am not saying it is right but I am saying it will happen.

On the heels of this kidnapping and CHOGM, but probably not because of it, a strengthening of the Police Service was announced today by Minister Martin Joseph but not many people noticed or cared.

CHOGM – Pressure Group Heaven

Despite claims to the opposite, pressure groups in Trinidad and Tobago are happy for the CHOGM (Chug Emm or See Hog Emm)  in November since most activist  think a CHOGM protest  can intimidate the Government into removing property tax and UDECOTT.

As frustrated as citizens are with the Government, I doubt our problems will impress many of the heads attending. Some of poorer countries of the Commonwealth are still trying to rake and scrape a few US dollars to buy a plane ticket to come to CHOGM and will have no interest in what we in this country call suffering. On the other hand, the more prosperous nations are glad for our high crime rate so they can sell us interceptor boats and helicopters. Some are just happy we still eat Weetabix and Canadian smoked herring.

The protests planned around CHOGM will not target  the leaders  since world leaders see pressure groups the same way citizens see property tax. What the local pressure groups hope to do is embarrass the Government into action via the international press. The international press will be told how the Government is squandering hundreds of millions on the CHOGM but have no money for poor Petrotrin workers.  Pressure groups will also talk about UDECOTT and the Commission of Enquiry that has no end, only a beginning in a far off land. There will be much talk about suspected corruption and billions the population claims was wasted in satisfying one man’s ego. I can’t imagine the activist leaving out the Chinese smelter or the WASA potholes.  The bed-ridden health services will also be mentioned but very little about CDAP and GATE. Everything the pressure groups will highlight internationally will not be new to them just quaint to the first world and laughable to the starving Third World.  As much as the pressure groups will disagree, I doubt our collective woes will impress other nations and it is we, the Poor and Suffering Arabs of the Caribbean, who will have to fend off the Government for ourselves.

The Queen is Coming, No More Flooding!!

The Queen will be visiting Port of Spain in November and hoping not to have to battle with flood waters like a regular Citizen

The Queen is coming, no more flooding!! Hip Hip Hooray!!

For years, neither bullying by PM PM nor cars covered by flood waters could get the Minister of Works and Concrete Barriers to clean the drains of Port of Spain.  It was almost as if The Minister would look down from his Ivory Tower and take perverse delight in seeing citizens pull up their skirts to cross the flooded roads.

But when the Minister heard on the BBC that Queen Elizabeth II was coming to Port of Spain and fearing his ass would be highlighted in the international press, he announced how, after years of looking, his Ministry suddenly found out what was blocking the drains of Port of Spain and it would be cleaned before the Queen arrives.  The Minister took the opportunity in a recent press conference to let citizens know he was doing it all for the The Queen.

The Summits of Trinidad and Tobago

Citizens of The Island were excited as The Great Summits approached. Thought the economy of The Island was in a tailspin and pensioners were being shortchanged, no expense was being spared to give the World Leaders the impression the Island had money to burn. All the major energy and biscuit industries on The Island were either at a standstill or shutting up shop but the Great Rulers of The Island said to the people, don’t worry be happy, we strong, we strong, a sentiment that comforted some people and all ostriches.

The Island was being  spruced up for The Great Summits so that the foreign press would get the wrong impression. Though the price of oil and gas was at an all-time low and the murder rate was at an all-time high the Grand Leader of The Island said The Island had much to boast about. The Island indeed had much to boast about and it boasted a high crime rate, unbearable traffic, and unbelievable floods. The Island also boasted countless pig-mannered drivers and frustration with all Government services. But The Island’s biggest boasts were having a Minister of Works who was never wrong, a Minister of Finance who was never right, and a Prime Minister who healed in a time that was nothing short of disappointingly miraculous. Though the country had its problems with no solution in sight like how to pay for the Great Stadium down South, no water in the pipelines, and masses of illiterate school children, the people were happy and that is why they drank and sped and bought the latest burglarproofing for their houses.

Despite the ill-advised negativity by some over The Great Summits most of the people on The Island were eagerly awaiting it and made plans to show off their skills and talents. Some said they would play pan and tassa while others said they would sing Soca, Calypso and Chutney. Nobody said they could read music. Others were planning to wine down de place to Chutney and Soca rhythms along with those foreign journalists who can’t even keep a beat. Some citizens said they would show off the more technologically advanced side of the country which amounted to tire burning, mud shoveling, and the world-famous CEPEP Missile Shield ^TM. One Government Minister had planned to show off his Mega Cucumber while The Car Thieving and Corrupt Licensing Officers Association planned to put on a demonstration highlighting how fast a car can be stolen from the Mall then reregistered and sent back on the road with a new owner. The Police and Thief Association planned to demonstrate how The Police took bribes from The Thief and some Police Officers even planned to raid houses without search warrants while The CoP planned to say and do nothing in approval. The Coast Guard intended only to show how to weigh the drugs seized in raids. Some motorists were eager to show why amber is just another color and why shoulders are more than something to cry on. The PM, never to be outdone, planned to measure the height of every building in the Capital with an aluminum tape made in China.