What Lies Beneath


An irate woman wrote to a local daily newspaper and complained about a recent lingerie ad. She claimed the young, well-proportioned, voluptuous, female model in the ad showed more than was necessary to advertise the panties and bras the store was trying to sell. I think the point she was making was that the moral people in our society might have nightmares about this public display of near nudity. I only wish I was moral. Needless to say I am still looking for the offending ad and I hope it’s repeated soon.

What the offended should remember is that one woman’s offense is another man’s delight. Society has come a long way and full circle. We have gone from wearing natural fig leaves to wearing designer fig leaves. We have long gone past the simple fashion statement and gone to the fashion scream. Some women are no longer contented with implying what lies beneath but need to show what really exist. These women don’t take careful aim at a target but rather fire buckshots into the audience, hopefully felling a male or two. Most of the time they leave the wounded unattended and suffering. On the positive side, most men are not easily injured by these random shots and take the slugs with glee.

People must remember that sexy lingerie, like the x-rated telephone call, has evolved out of a great need and it can now be considered a man’s second best friend, or the storm before the hurricane. In my humble opinion, the right lingerie is certainly an advertisement that says better days are coming. It promises the land but regrettably, it may not mean the land is available for immediate occupancy.

Time of Our Life

If Time Travel ever became possible it would be very expensive and prone to horrendous delays if adopted by Tobago Express or Travel Span.

Many of us wish we could go back in time and save the planet from Paris Hilton’s singing career, or signing a 3-year contract for TSTT’s DSL service, but unfortunately, that is not how life works. Life isn’t always fair and the fact that some people suffer from baldness together with a severe scalp condition is proof of this. If Life came with an instruction manual we would not seek breast implants or those who have them. It would tell us how to be happy and why size may not really matter but texture and shape is very important. But since we don’t have an authorized manual on Life we depend on history for our learning, and our history has taught us where we should park in Trincity Mall. Learning from mistakes is the way people learn to live and repeating them is the subject of many ill fated insurance claims.

Having a limited time to live makes us obsessed with happiness and if we can’t have eternal bliss we will settle for the occasional movie and a chicken combo at Movie Towne. We would have preferred a wider variety of places and food but traffic and bandits have limited our choices. Some say the main purpose in life is to leave the world a better place, but since better is relatively subjective it would be better to write an autobiography to twist the truth about our time on the planet.

Time is essential to life and without time there would be no late coming and traffic would have no meaning. We pass time, spend time, and even appear to buy time but we can only go back in time if our memory is good and our videotapes didn’t grow fungus. Time is not only useful for spending with pretty girls but it is necessary if we want to get a birth certificate or passport. Time wasting is tragic but going back in time would require even more time and that is what we cannot afford to waste any more time on.

Things that go crack in the night

Before flying to and from Trinidad there are two things passengers must check for. The first is for severe weather advisories and the second is for runway cracks. Currently, a number of reputable websites are posting detailed information on the weather but very few are monitoring runway cracks. These cracks are know to mysteriously develop in the dead of night and no explanation has ever been found for its sudden development immediately after the runway has been repaved. As is customary, Contractors and Ministers are trying to concoct an explanation in the shortest possible time. It is expected that this recent local natural phenomenon will be known as the Runaway Crack and will spur the development of a new and lucrative industry called Perpetual Repaving for the Well Connected Contractor. Public safety and inconvenience will only be paid lip service once the contracted connection is right.

May the Tarmac be with you!

But Nothing Changed

The rains became frequent so the grounds became waterlogged. The weathermen were happy to lay claim to the rainy season but blamed the floods on the rain. It didn’t take a meteorologist to predict the weather since it was daily afternoon showers followed by flash floods in low-lying areas. The heavy winds accompanied the thundershowers and nothing was new. Traffic slowed to a crawl and maxis splashed muddy water on clean clothes and shaved legs. The roadways were slippery when wet so the invincible cars ended up waiting upside down in the roadside bushes for wreckers. The daily gloominess made some people happy and the roof scientist were busy tracking down leaks and applying their asphalt bandages to the wrong spots. A good view of the Caroni Plains showed long spans of greenery and boats the size of small cargo ships rescuing the stranded and the frustrated. The Government eagerly gave out flood-claim forms as the people counted their lost chickens and soaked mattresses. Everybody complained but nothing changed.

The Great Onion Shortage of 2007


History would call it The Great Onion Shortage of 2007 but for us, who lived through the ordeal, the period didn’t have a name. For us, it was only an epidemic of tasteless food and greedy grocers.

Most of the World had grown accustomed to onions in much the same way as they had become accustomed to breathing in air, or drinking misleadingly labeled bottled water from giant beverage companies. The Onion became to food what the stripper became to stag parties; necessary and tasty. Sometimes I feel the only reason we scramble eggs and eat sardines is because of the onion. Who would have thought this little shallot would have become so important in the lives of those who have food to eat, and those who are not anorexic.

During the Great Onion Shortage of 2007 some chefs with huge egos gave up cooking at fine restaurants and took up jobs as chefs at hospital and school cafeterias out of shame. There was a drastic drop in the amount of embarrassing cases of bad breath and a corresponding increase in the amount of mouth-to-mouth kissing incidents. Nine months after the start of The Great Onion Shortage of 2007 there was a shortage of beds at maternity hospitals. The Great Onion Shortage of 2007 lasted only six months but it did teach the people how little things can make a big impact over time, much to the relief of some men.