Batman: Before The Beginning and Whatever



Before The Beginning:

Batman Begins (aka Batman Begi, aka Bruce and Alfred, The Early Years, aka Why the Well Should Be Covered Well) was fraught with fear and uncertainty as parking spots were much more than scarce. It was a night of warlike tension when what seemed like hundreds of incensed potential moviegoers converged on what looked like nowhere in particular. It was a night of high parking lot drama as the once peaceful drivers from all walks of life, of all ages, of all levels of stupidity and varying degrees of sexual activity and inactivity, resorted to primordial instincts in their quest for nonexistent parking spots. It was the ideal night for the parking lot Batman to intervene, but he never showed. The bastard!

Almost At the Beginning:

An Audi A6 reversed and gave me my first real hope of seeing Batman Begins that night. My Honda flashed its headlights in gratitude and the Audi A6 honked her horn in acknowledgement of our show of appreciation by way of our flashing headlights. I smiled and blushed as the pretty female A6 driver and I made, not only retina contact, but also made my retinas glad to be male retinas. It’s strange how the simple things in life can make a fool happy. That’s why I stayed a fool for so long, it’s cheaper and happier.

Closer than Almost:

The line to see this movie looked like a National Geographic aerial snapshot of a desert snake in motion. The paid up moviegoers were only pseudo-aggrieved since the time spent in the line gave people the opportunity to mako each other. That was 60% of the reason for going to see the movie in the first place. The other 30% was for the popcorn and the remaining percentage was attributed to boasting to the unsuspecting that you actually got a parking spot and saw the movie.

The Movie:

It was a good movie which I, like Thomas Cruise Mapother IV, will eventually get on DVD. I give it a 3.5/5, aka 7/10 for those fearful of the decimal point.

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Could it be?


“Could it be that a contributor to “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” is on this planet? Is it possible? Could it be?”

These words were echoed not too long ago and not too far from here and not too loud so as to disturb the neighbors. The answer to this three-pronged question was only known by the few select Muddleruts who were involved in the initial towel-finding exercise. Legend, and fortune-seeking Muddleruts looking for a book deal, claim THHGTTG, 1st swamp edition, not only answered these questions but also revealed The Secret of Life. This Secret would have remained intact but, by their default nature, Muddleruts and Earthling Women are famous for their leaky disposition to secrets. Six weeks ago a profusely leaking Muddlerut wanting to impress a female Muddlerut suffering from too much curvature, with a triple chin and nicely corrugated forehead, revealed to a crowded pub on the Redder Side of The Planet, The Secret of Life and also of lint-free towels. According to the grapevine, The Secret of Life was so desperately elusive since life began only because it was cleverly hidden in the labels of towels disguised as washing instructions. Who would have thought? Washing instructions are short, confusing and of the finest print, much like life. We should have known.

The Secret revealed:

“Use the recommended washing programme. DO NOT DRY CLEAN/GENTLE WASH ONLY. Limit the use of fabric conditioner on your towels. Whilst they give your towels a soft feel, overuse of conditioner leaves a coating on the towels and reduces the absorbency. Made in China.”

These profound words confirmed what philosophers had suspected for hundreds of years, but no one knew what that was.

If you were so moved by the Words of The Towel Label then I say, Dry your tears on the towel of life but watch for lint.

umbrullat!

Ants, Umbrellas and Prehistoric Martian History


My recent blog and forum readings have left me fearful of ants and umbrellas and also deeply suspicious of oxygen enriched Martians. Before I go any further I want to make something quite clear; I am not a Martian and I have never knowingly seen one, at least in the last month within fifty meters from where I live and on Sundays before 11 p.m. According to scientist studying the mating habits of unspecified fruits the Zabalian, pictured in a previous blog, is not an alien, but a cross between a Zabacado and an undetermined mammalian. A paternity test is to be done on the usual suspect.

Back to the topic at hand, but since there is none that should be easy.

Since reading a particular blog about umbrellas, I seem to have developed an eye for these notorious devices. It’s strange how just a few lines on a simple blog can be a real eye-opener. Incidentally, the word umbrella has its root in the in the early Martian word umbrellat, meaning ouch. And, by a very strange coincidence, the Government of Mars is also known as umbrullat. I have also become painfully aware that these devices have many uses and that no one can remember what original necessity sparked their invention. What I do know is that many a good street-fight was triggered by these gadgets and they are now in a close second to women as the root cause of all misery on our walkways.

It is written in prehistoric Martian history that ants were on our planet before life started. Prehistoric Martian History, published by Aliens Anonymous, is the only source of Prehistoric Martian History ever published on a Wednesday. In this book, chronicling the woefully unsavory history of Martian lust and sensuality, ants are portrayed as being shameless creatures of the night, invading kitchen counters, foods and certain novels, long before they were invented, cooked, or written. Earthly scientists have only recently done studies to determine if ants can make sounds. Early findings suggest that these pesky creatures do in fact make sounds but their only decipherable words so far were “get back in line you idiot!”

Since I don’t want to take pointlessness to new heights I will say what my chemistry teacher said at the end of class, “Argon.”

A Riddle :-)


This is a sad story, and a true one.

How could something so right go so wrong? Because life sucks, that’s why! I remembered a line from the movie Big Fish, which goes something like this “They say, when you meet the love of your life, time stops, and that’s true.” This is what happened to me on that day in June nearly two years ago. That was the day I found the love of my life. She was a beauty like no other. How do you put the love of your life into words? You can’t… All I could imagine was holding her and whispering to her. How would she sound? How would she feel if I held her? She filled a void in my life I never knew existed. I could never imagine ever being without her. I didn’t believe in love at first sight until that day, and I doubt I would be able to believe in it again. I must not continue; it is too painful. She is gone now. I had to get rid of her. I had no choice.

“Be careful what you wish for, because you might just get it” that was the line which sums up this heartbreaking chapter in my life. How could something so right go so wrong? I don’t know. I didn’t see the warning signs, and I didn’t want to. The relationship became intolerable and the even the sight of her terrified me. When she called I would panic. When I didn’t answer she would appear to be screaming for attention, my attention. She demanded my attention in public and in private, in the day and at ungodly hours at night, and that was all she cared about, that was the reason for her existence. My life was not my life anymore, it belonged to her and I resented that. I took her everywhere and it was only out of guilt and habit, and yes, mostly the fear. But she was addictive, a very bad addiction. She is gone now. I had to get rid of her. I had no choice. I am happy now. I wanted my life back. I feel no guilt. My life belongs to me.

Who is “she“? Can you guess?

Alien Creature Spotted




An unidentified alien creature, from an unidentified far off planet was reportedly sighted in the back yards of unidentified homes on the foothills of St. Augustine. Amateur photographer and part-time alien aka_lol sent in this ridiculously fuzzy picture of the mysterious extraterrestrial. Scientist were unable to make either heads or tails of the creature or even of aka_lol, but inside sources claim further investigations may prove fruitful.

Interview With A Bloger – Part II


The fearless and fictitious bombshell reporter Mini Skirt returns to probe deeper into the ineptly twisted mind of the fearful bloger aka_lol. She seeks a deeper understanding of life and once again has fallen victim of her masochistic needs. The interview starts off with a bang but not the bang aka_lol was hoping for. Aka_lol was exhausted from too much activity on a certain forum earlier that day, but gave a very credible performance, as usual.

THE INTERVIEW

What is the purpose of life?

I think it is to be happy.

That’s it? “I think it is to be happy?”

If you are confused by the answer then you are either happy or have never tried being happy, or desperately seeking complexity where there is none.

Here we go again! What does it take to be happy, Mr. Happy-Man.

Many things and for starters we must get rid of stuff.

That’s it? Getting rid of stuff? That’s why you drag my lazy butt all the way up this stupid hill to hear? To be happy you must get rid of stuff? Like what, books, old shoes, used car batteries? What exactly should I get rid off, Oh Self-Righteous-Sage-of-Sages!

You can start with your excessive layers of makeup.

That was very rude of you!

And so is your makeup.

Explain what you mean by getting rid of stuff Mr. Smiley-Face-With-a-Goatee.

I am not saying that getting rid of stuff is all it takes to make us happy but it is what we can control and therefore we must control these things. It is not that we should get rid of all stuff, just the useless and dangerous things like, hate, anger, resentment, jealousy, pride, which are all the same things.

Ah! I am beginning to see the light.

It’s a wonder you can see anything through those eyelashes.

So how do we get rid of those things which prevent us from being happy?

I have absolutely no idea! Seriously though, I think the longer we keep these emotions with us the more addictive they become. We need dump these feelings as soon as they come on the scene. The longer we keep them the more they become our security blankets, and we are then very reluctant to let go. Change is difficult, and especially from some stores early in the morning.

So you are saying that we need to become aware of our negativity and destroy it before it has time to fester our souls.

I see you have been taking the adult literacy classes.

Yes, Tuesdays and Thursdays form five to seven.

Very good, and I couldn’t have put it any better.

So, Mr. Happy-Like-Pappy, are you happy?

Yes and no.

Is the answer a multiple choice? Why is it that I come here for advice and you not only confuse me but you also appear confused?

I seem to be getting that a lot lately, maybe it was in an email, I can’t be sure but being confused only means you are thinking.

If you know so much about happiness then why are you not ecstatic with joy?

Being ecstatic with joy is not the same as happiness. Being ecstatic is a short-lived spasm of joy. Being happy is more constant and it means your mind is not easily troubled and you are less affected by outside influences. And knowing what to do doesn’t mean it’s easy to do. Another thing, contrary to what motivational speakers say, we are not in full control of our destiny but what we must do is take control of what we can and whenever we can.

Is it working for you?

Yes, I am almost happy to say.

Thank you Mr. Lol and we will meet again and under happier circumstances I hope.

No Mini, it is not the circumstances which must be happy but we.

I see, goodbye Mr. Lol.

Goodbye Mini.

Having A Word


In a recent word association game held at one of the most popular online forums in the world, where people of all ages, all walks of life and all levels of insanity took part, the word cell was associated with the word phone by a regular but quirky forumite. His fellow forumites glared at their screens with great venom and posted many offensive comments about his name, his avatar and even his blogs, after this quick-brained, DSL connected forumite had posted the much sort-after associated word. Apparently, everyone else claimed they were going to say that when they got off their cells.

My, my, look how things have changed and so fast. Only about five years ago the word cell would have been quickly associated with body, blood, biology or tissue. During a recent lab demonstration by a lecturer at a famous local medical school a student looked through a microscope and exclaimed she could see a cell. Immediately, the once scholarly lecturer frisked his own pockets and frantically pulled out his “cell” and shouted “it not mines, anybody lose a cell?” To which one student replied “is ah green Nokia?”

What is not surprising is that when the very game was played in parliament (many games are played in parliament and it is now the number one sporting complex in the country) and that very word came up, all the members ran out screaming “it not me! It not me!”