Larry vs Paris – The Blog Interview


Paris

LK: Welcome Paris. How was jail?

PH: I wasn’t in jail; I was at a correctional facility. You make it sound so gross.

LK: You were behind bars, weren’t you?

PH: Bars are for hardened criminals and houses in Trinidad and I am not a hardened criminal nor was I in Trinidad.

LK: How was your stay at the correctional facility and what was being corrected?

PH: Larry, you know a judge sent me there because he thought I was a menace to society. He thought I should be taught a lesson and my behavior was what he was trying to correct. And I think I was corrected.

LK: That sounds so profound coming from one who is so blond. Are you a true blond?

PH: Didn’t you see my movies?

LK: Let’s not go there…

PH: …I bet you would.

LK: Ahem! Ahem!! Miss Hilton, there are those who love you and those who hate you. Why is this? What do people hate about you.

PH: I know people hate me for my looks, my partying skills, my vanity, my money, my dog; Tinkerbell, and I am a natural born beauty with a perfect figure. What’s not to hate.

LK: But some say you’re dumb.

PH: Dumb is a four letter word that should never be used to describe people you are not related to. I am the perfect package so it’s natural for those who envy me to find one little fault in me and make a big deal out of it. I am not dumb; I just don’t have the time to be smart.

LK: So then why do you have so many fans?

PH: My fans are those people who appreciate perfection not brains. I don’t choose my fans they choose me. People don’t like you or hate you because of your IQ. You can’t always take IQ to the bank but you can always bank on beauty.

LK: You cried like a baby when they were taking you to prison; you called for your mommy. Was jail for you a turning point in your life?

PH: I had been handcuffed before but never like this. I cried because I couldn’t take my friends with me and they all should be there. Yes, it was a turning point for me, and it wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. I had time to reflect in a sober mode and for the first time in my life. I am sure I am a different but better person, a more responsible person who appreciates the consequences of not wearing makeup.

LK: Was that the reason you were whisked away from the paparazzi when you were released?

PH: Yes.

LK: Are you real or are you a made up girl.

PH: Feel this Larry…just joking, I know about your hearth condition.

Cough, cough! Larry almost falls off his chair.

LK: You almost pulled my plug there girl…what would you say would be the biggest change in your life after prison?

PH: I will party less, look at Discovery Channel…and the Larry King Show, naturally. I will wear underwear more often, learn to read, find out where the bookstores are…there are a whole host of things I was putting off.

LK: Would you call yourself a bad girl?

PH: Isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t bad the new goodness?

LK: Would you say your parents brought you up in the wrong way?

PH: What is the right way? I was born to look good and that is my calling. The public need me Larry, they need to look see what they are not. We are all not equally blessed and why should I pretend I am not who I am.

LK: You sound smarter than you look. I am impressed.

PH: That is what I do best Larry, I impress.

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A Wealthy Nation


Corn-curls are important to any nation aspiring to become developed. You can tell by the speed and urgency which the corn-curls delivery trucks pelt down the highway at six in the morning. I have nothing against early deliveries but driving like a menace to meet an unrealistic delivery schedule is criminal. All corn-curls investors want a high rate of return on their investment because they have boats and girlfriends to buy. In order to make more money the output per corn-curl worker has to be increased, thus giving rise to speeding trucks at daybreak. Higher profits mean increased employment and the employed not only provide for their families, they provide them with corn curls. The more corn-curls a country possesses wealthier the nation.

Beer trucks are slower than the trucks of their corn flavored counterparts. What they lack in speed and aggression they make up for in causing traffic jams in narrow country roads where the people-to-bar ratio is legendary. Beer distributors claim using smaller trucks would be uneconomical since they would cause less traffic, giving people less reason to drink. The main reason men drink beer is not to relieve stress but to attract females by developing an appealing beer-belly. Like corn curls, the beer-belly is a wealth indicator.

SUVs deliver children to schools and contribute positively to global warming. Not only is the SUV fuel-inefficient but also their drivers sport oversize sunglasses to hide wrinkles and hangovers. By driving an SUV a person makes a bold statement about what they are and that statement says, I may not be pretty but I sure got money. The typical SUV driver talks about the dangers of global warming while driving. They justify buying an SUV by claiming the roads are bad, and that is why they swerve from every pothole they meet. In most wealthy countries, the SUV and its owners are considered as important as corn curls and beer as wealth indicators.

We are a wealthy nation.

This Thing Called Lite


squeeze

A Diet cola is a sugar-free drink bought by people who need to reduce their waistline by reducing their guilt. Diet cola is an acquired taste and people who have been drinking the stuff for years manage to convince themselves that it taste better than its sugary sister. To say one thing taste better than the next is to say one girl looks better than another, or that Chinese taste better than Indian. It’s all a matter of the personal taste an individual develops after years of patronizing countless fast food joints and porn sites.

I have been drinking Diet Coke and Coke Light for years and I do feel fat when I taste the regular Coke. Numerous studies suggest all foods, including diet drinks and curry duck, can cause you to suffer and die in a Government run hospital by age fifty. The main cause for concern in these diet drinks is a sweetener named aspartame, an evil sounding word coined by rat-killing scientists. Searching on Google, I didn’t find any conclusive evidence to suggest aspartame will harm you any more than being hit on the head by a falling Julie mango will.

The alleged dangers of diet drinks was first raised by and alarmist looking for new ways for people to die from food. Alarmism is the world’s fastest growing second-job and it attracts those who are not only caring, but social oddities. The alarmist warns anyone who is bored enough about the dangers of everything, including alarmist and activist. According to the alarmist, there is nothing in the world that’s safe. Manufacturers have acknowledged this and now place appropriate warnings on products in their finest print.

Beer brewers now warn people that drinking and driving can be dangerous, and driving should be avoided rather than drinking. I agree; why should beer manufacturers promote the auto industry. Manufacturers’ warnings are legal loopholes that send profits up and customers to opticians. Even razorblades now come with the warning “sharp edge,” and I certainly hope so. Cautions are too common, and alarmists are even more so. The warnings are unnecessary and obvious – sleeping tablets can cause drowsiness, thongs may stick, rap music sucks. Vital information is lost among the clutter and the needless. Google is crawling every nook and blog to populate their databases and sadly, most of the data is harmful.

We can no longer tell good from and bad so we listen to Britney and look at Paris. Our information filters are defenseless and our brain is overloaded. More dangers lurk than ever before and our blogs are useless. Information overload is turning us into zombies writing warnings in blog-form that no one will ever read. I feel like a cigarette pack.

Being a journalist 101


journalist

A local daily newspaper with variable circulation and don’t know why, advertised for trainee-journalists who are willing to work for a stipend before being rejected for the job. They requested a resumé, and a written reason in one hundred words or less, why you want to be a journalist. I am not that inclined but writing anything in one hundred words or less is too tempting to turn down. I clocked 101.

Why I want to be a journalist 101

I am not sure if I want to be a journalist more than I want the stipend. Being a journalist is more than driving big cars and partying with the latest lingerie models. It’s seeing my name in print and getting letters from people who imagine I am good looking. Journalists rub shoulders, and sometimes breast, with the best. Top journalists know unnamed sources and even a few reliable ones. Reporters are knowledgeable people and that’s why Stephen Glass is my hero. Journalists are quite unique and have the power to save the world in one column, but only after editing.

Mosquitoes


Mosquito

There is no love-hate relationship between man and mosquito – only hate and bug spray. Mosquitoes serve no useful purpose and that is one similarity they have with man. Other similarities are; mosquitoes spread diseases and bite people. Mosquitoes evolved around the 9th of June, 170 million years ago and for no good reason. Since then, things have never been the same.

The female mosquito lives up to five times longer than a male mosquito and this has been linked to a diet high in greasy foods and too little activity, making the male fat and easier to whack. Swatting a mosquito is the second most enjoyable thing a man could do, and swatting a male is the most gratifying thing a female could do. Domesticated mosquitoes live within a one mile radius from its breeding site, until they become teenagers and learn to drive. Mosquitoes can detect a human from 100 feet away by sensing body heat and the scent of the human’s CO2 emissions. The mosquito hum is the most irritating sound known to man and is second only to the voice of his wife. The female mosquito sucks blood and the male simply sucks. This is not surprising since all females, regardless of specie or wingspan, are programmed to draw blood from males. Men only want a female and blood type is not important. Mosquitoes can cause havoc and one mosquito at a nudist camp can cause more panic than a plague of photographers with 10x zooms and high-speed Internet access.

The mosquito evolved long before man and only Darwin knows why. But, like the cockroach and political opportunist, they will be here for a long time to come.

Paris Hilton


ph-23.jpg

Paris Hilton is doing time for violating a three-year probation for drunk driving and possibly bad acting. She should be forgiven since she is young and has too much money to need a real brain. Miss Hilton was initially sentenced to 45 days in jail but had it cut in half for good behavior and nice legs. Paris Hilton will be serving semi-hard time in a 12-cell special needs section of Lynwood Century Regional Detention Facility, also known as the county slammer. With semi-hard time she will be wearing the same outfit everyday. She also has special needs and to be locked away is one of them.

Paris Hilton has been described as a socialite, heiress, sexy, over-sexed, brat, spoilt-brat, airhead, dumb, blond, dumb-blond, narcissistic, intellectually misunderstood, prison-bound, and enhanced. Half of what you know of celebrities is normally untrue and the other half is silicone. She is grossly misunderstood and needs to learn English. In order to understand Paris you need to put your self in her shoes – preferably one of the pink pairs. She can sell a man anything but it’s not for sale.

Being born of rich parents is no guarantee that the media will seek you out, but a sex-tape and no underwear, especially if female and pretty, is a sure thing. The media craves what the public craves and the public craves a beauty less ordinary and a bald Britney. We make celebrities by feeding their starving egos, and they in turn feed our hungry imaginations, and desperate blogs.