Maria de Lujan Telpuk, a former Argentine kindergarten teacher turned Airport Security officer, intercepted a suitcase containing over three quarter of a million dollars in Buenos Aires last year and did not take a bribe to remain silent, as is customary in Argentina. Instead, the young beauty reported the matter to her superiors and was rewarded with a centerfold contract with Playboy Argentina. This incident has caused thousands of other young, beautiful, honest, and perfectly shaped Argentinean and Venezuelan women to look for suitcases full of money all over Buenos Aires and Caracas. It is not important that the money was being carried by a Venezuelan and rumored to be a campaign contribution from Hugo Chavez to Cristina Fernández de Kirchner. It is not even important that this suitcase caused a major international political scandal. What is important is that Maria de Lujan looks good in the nude. Miss De Lujan is delighted over her new career but would like more global exposure in similar magazines such as National Geographic and Popular Mechanics. When asked if she was surprised at Playboy’s offer, Maria de Lujan said she was shocked since she didn’t think she had a South American body until now. Some have criticized Maria de Lujan for posing in Playboy but others have said she can be used as the perfect example to show that elusive link between complete honesty and total nudity.
Month: April 2008
Indian Premier League Cheerleading Fiasco
I was looking at the Indian Premier League 20/20 Cricket Tournament on TV today and nearly fell of my chair when I saw the Cheerleaders of the League were now sans skin. Rumor has it that some fully wrapped old woman, who was sure that God would strike anyone who showed, looked at, or even had skin, complained about the Cheerleaders to the local hypocrites. The hypocrites then shouted at the promoters, who then asked the Cheerleaders, some of whom were imported from the NFL by the Indian Premier League at great expense, to please show less skin since this was India and Indians don’t have skin. The promoters told the Cheerleaders though millions of viewers and locals were happy with the short skirts, slim bodies, shaved legs and cheerleading moves, and though porn on the Internet was easily available and used by the average adult male and female who looked at the matches, and though they -the Cheerleaders- where helping the League rake in millions, the League must adopt the pretentious stand in order to please the fear-driven hypocrites in society since that was the norm from the time when dinosaurs wore skirts. The promoters also said you can’t reason with the obsessed. The cheerleaders complied and now the attraction of the Indian Premier League is half of what it should be. It appears that anybody who looks too good to be true will eventually have to cover up.
Japanese Population Crisis – Why Darkness Matters
The Japanese workforce is expected to be reduced by one third near the year 2050. This drop has been blamed on Japan’s declining birthrate brought about by the proliferation of Japanese ISO 9001 certified condom companies and cold-wives clubs. Experts predict this fiasco would lead to the Japanese working longer and harder, giving people less time to reproduce, causing a further decline in the already stunted population growth.
The Japanese Government is now attempting to encourage reproduction by urging young couples to drink beer while throwing caution to the wind and going with the flow on Friday evenings into Saturday mornings. The Government is establishing a new Government Ministry called the Ministry of Carefree and Careless Reproduction to oversee the reproductive state of Japan. The opposition is calling for the importation of more condoms from the populous China and India. Using sophisticated simulations on both a Playstation 3 and a Wii, experts predict that in exactly 100 million years the population of Japan would be down to just two seventy year-old men and a koi named goldiy. Toyota is expected to halt the assembly of new cars on that day but the servicing of the Corolla will continue only for a short time after.
The Five Best People Who Are Not in Heaven…Yet
I have been waiting to be tagged for almost a year and now that I have been tagged, I am at a loss for words. This tag came from Onedia of Onedia in the Ozarks blogging from Arkansas in the US. Here is the tag:
If you could spend an entire day with any five people who are now living
- who would they be
- why would you choose each person in the group
- how would you like to spend the day with them
- where would you like to spend the day with them
The five living people I would like to spend an entire day with are with old man Hefner in a mansion somewhere in the US, but I would like to have a more active day than Hef. With that out of the way, I would like to get down to serious business. I once heard someone say in a movie the best people are either married or dead, and I thought that was being repetitious. Anyway, my choice of five living people would be Barack Obama, Richard Dawkins, Stephen King, Bill Gates, and Sir Paul McCartney.
Barack Obama is an obvious choice because he has caused the world, and maybe even the people in the United States, to look at him closely and commercially. Obama may be just another charismatic politician but that is what I would like to find out. I would like to spend the day on the campaign trail to see first hand how he talks to people and if he swears.
Richard Dawkins is a disliked man in the religious world but I admire his courage to speak out, with scientific reasoning and logic, against some dangerous practices adopted by people. It doesn’t matter where I spend the day with Mr. Dawkins once there are no suicide bombers around.
I would like to see Stephen King work. Stephen King is a master storyteller, to use the old cliché, but to be so prolific and for so long is an amazing feat. I won’t talk ghost and accidents with the King, but I think everyday conversations would be enough for me to find out who he is. I don’t think he is a scary man and I doubt he could raise the dead in real life.
The first thing I would like to ask Bill Gates is why did it take so long to come up with a stable version of Windows and why is Vista so bloated and expensive. I would also tell Mr. Gates that I admire his success and charitable nature but I am curious to find out what he does with his money all day. Probably a day at the Office with Bill Gates would do it.
I decided on Sir Paul McCartney because he is one of the members of The Beatles who is not dead. I could go on and on about The Beatles but everything I say would have been said before and with better grammar and punctuation. Things like, they changed the face of music, they changed the world forever, they had stupid haircuts. I would like to ask Sir Paul what some of his lyrics mean such as “I am he as you are he as you are me and we are all together.” I would also like to find out how he gets his protein and was she worth it. I would like to spend a day with Sir Paul when he is not in court in England.
Will M. Night Shyamalan be Happening?
Seeing dead people and raking in hundreds of millions aren’t the only things writer-director M. Night Shyamalan is famous for. Shyamalan is also famous for creating movie parts for Bryce Dallas Howard, Bruce Willis and Joaquin Rafael Bottom aka, Joaquin Phoenix.
Shyamalan became famous when he made a boy actor named Haley Joel Osmet see the dead in The Sixth Sense, followed by allowing Samuel L. Jackson to roll around in a wheelchair sporting a crazy hairdo in Unbreakable. In his next movie, Signs, he incited aliens to land in corn fields so that Mel Gibson could find God again. His follow up big budget movies, The Village and Lady in the Water, contained not only good acting and Bryce Dallas Howard, but also his Hitchcock trademark cameo appearances and visual silence.
Unfortunately, this was not enough to make his financiers and the critics happy and they wanted more money and less art. Shyamalan has been called the next Spielberg by Newsweek magazine but some were quick to point out he is not Jewish but Indian. Shyamalan was nominated for an Oscar as Best Director for The Sixth Sense and this has attracted critics and high expectations. M. Night uses very little violence, nudity, sex and explosions to entertain and instead uses camera angles, silence, and plots with a twisted knot. This may not be the recipe to please the fast-food public.
On Friday June 13th, Shyamalan’s The Happening will be released and critics are waiting to either jump on his bandwagon or on his head again. From the trailers, release date, and tag line I can only imagine The Happening will either grip us or let us go. There will be no middle road.
How to Make a Successful Movie
The success of any modern movie can be determined by three factors:
- quality and quantity of explosions
- skin content factor
- depth of gore and violence
Explosions are now more common and satisfying than love scenes in modern-day movies and there is now a great likelihood that something would blow up on the screen for no reason, even in the mildest Oscar-winning dramas. Recently, a surplus explosion scene from a Die Hard movie was inserted in Driving Miss Daisy – Directors Cut, to attract a younger audience. But explosions are standard even on the streets of some third-world capitals so moviegoers now expect more bang for their bucks. Apart for flames and smoke, moviegoers now want to see bodies and debris, such as random car parts and hair pieces, hurling towards the audience in slow motion. They want to say “wow, was that Bruce Willis’s hair?”
The skin effect in movies follows the inverse wine law where skin-70 has much less appeal than, say, skin-25 and skin-19 is the lowest skin number allowed. Also, female skin is considered a better seller than male skin but in recent time some females disagreed and said they preferred to see male skin touching female skin in motion. Some directors have developed a formula called the Skin Equation where the amount of skin, its gender, its age, and the time the skin spends on the screen is used to work out a movie’s skin content factor. The formula and interpretation of its output is guarded closely by the big production houses. What is known is that porn movies have made a mockery of the equation’s output.
On-screen gore, not the ex VP but the real thing, and violence have always aroused people’s curiosity and though people have been ticking off greatly dislike gore and violence on questioners handed out by Quentin Tarentino, they still flocked movie theaters for Eli Roth’s Hostel and Hostel: Part 2. Roth is credited with developing new ways to make people lose body parts while touring Europe, an essential feature of the successful modern movie. Although gore and violence in movies prevent people from enjoying overpriced popcorn at the theater, they are widely regarded as two of the many necessary evils of the movie industry. The aim of gore and violence is to make the audience puke in the aisle in order to provide an unforgettable movie experience. Their importance cannot be overstated.
Adios Los Simpsons
This is the darkest day in the history of Springfield. If anybody wants me I’ll be in the shower. ~ Homer Simpson
I’m having the best day of my life, and I owe it all to not going to Church! ~ Homer Simpson
You know, you are not born with a soul. You earn it with suffering, hard work and prayer. Which hopefully you did last night ~ Lisa Simpson
It’s just hard not to listen to TV: it spent so much more time raising us than you have. ~ Bart Simpson
Always blame it on the guy who doesn’t speak English ~ Homer Simpson
I think I’ve been a great citizen ~ O.J. Simpson
It was bound to happen sooner or later. A Venezuelan TV station has deemed The Simpsons unfit for children and immature adults watching television at 11:00 a.m instead of playing or reading. The TV station has since replaced The Simpsons with the more appropriate and uplifting Baywatch Hawaii aka Playa del Silicio. The TV station said it received several complaints about The Simpsons from concerned parents and presidents therefore had to do something and fast. The station admitted The Simpsons was hilarious and Venezuelans were enjoying it for years but only just realized it was inappropriate. A spokesperson for the station said The Simpsons will be shown at another time but in another country.
Book Thing
Stealing is contagious and that is why I took this from the blog and bookstore called Wordtryst 🙂
It’s a book thing.
1. Hardcover or paperback, and why?
Hardback because they look more worthy, but they are harder on the cuddle position if longer than 400 pages.
2. If I were to own a book shop I would call it…
The Bookie
3. My favorite quote from a book (mention the title) is…
That is a trick question and nobody could have only one:
(i) There is a lot they didn’t tell you about death , she had discovered, and one of the biggies was how long it took the ones you loved most to die in your heart ~ Stephen King – Lisey’s Story
(ii) I don’t know what frightens me more, the power that crushes us, or our endless ability to endure it ~ Gregory David Roberts – Shantaram
4. The author (alive or deceased) I would love to have lunch with would be ….
I would be scared senseless if I had lunch with a deceased author, not to mention I would have very little appetite. Living authors would be Stephen King but not Naipaul.
5. If I was going to a deserted island and could only bring one book, except the SAS survival guide, it would be…
The Ultimate Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams
6. I would love someone to invent a bookish gadget that….
…would go to work so that I could stay home and read.
7. The smell of an old book reminds me of….
…the old public library after fumigation.
8. If I could be the lead character in a book (mention the title), it would be….
9. The most overestimated book of all time is….
If You Want Closure in Your Relationship Start with Your Legs by Big Boom
10. I hate it when a book…
…doesn’t make it to the bargain shelves.
Erotic Messages – Finnish Style
The Finnish Foreign Minister is finally finished and I couldn’t resist saying that. Ikka Kanerva, the Finnish Foreign Minister, was fired today after it was discovered he sent some rather erotic text messages to an erotic dancer. He was fired, not because he is almost 60 years old and the erotic dancer was a 29-year-old former nude model and now the leader of an erotic dance ensemble called the Scandinavian Dolls. Ikka Kanerva was fired because he text messaged the dancer 200 times but initially denied he ever did. He probably forgot he sent the messages on his government issued cell phone paid for with public funds. When asked about the content of the messages he was quoted as saying: “I would not present them in Sunday School, but they are not totally out of line either.”
The National Coalition Party, which Kanerva is a member, decided he should be sacked because he now lacked public trust. According to news reports, in 2005 Kanerva, when he was deputy speaker, was also involved in a text messaging scandal when it was alleged he sent a number of inappropriate messages to two models. It now appears that Kanerva will finally be attending those TMA (Text Messaging Anonymous) meetings.
Hillary Challlenges Barack
April 1st did not escape Hilliary Clinton today as she jokingly said to reporters “Today, I am challenging Senator Obama to a bowl-off,” “A bowling night. Right here in Pennsylvania. The winner take all,” she went on to say. But when one of Senator Obama’s aids received the joke via fax he thought it read blow-off, probably because he was expecting it sooner or later. The misread challenge didn’t go down well with the Obama camp and one aid was reported to have said the challenge had Bill written all over it. The Obama camp has since declined the invitation.
Jungle Me
ST. AUGUSTINE, TT. – In an attempt to quell Amazon’s dominance in the web shopping market two or three of the world’s top financial backers have launched an upstart company called Jungle. Jungle will be offering everything that Amazon now sells but in addition Jungle will offer an online dating service called Jungle Me, Jungle You along with a virtual happiness store called Mindful for the Mindless. A one-stop adult store is also proposed but for now a scaled down version will be hosted somewhere in the Power Tools section. Jungle will be offering more payment options than Amazon, including PayPal, direct money transfers from illicit offshore bank accounts, cattle, cheese, corn and political favors. Jungle will be offering to arms dealers, and budding-dictators specials on military surplus equipment and a mercenary service catering for small country invasions. The aspiring dictator would be able to track the invasions online. A money laundering service called Quick Wash is in the works and due to start by the end of the third quarter. Beyond Borders, a border crossing service for illegal immigrants will be launched in 2009. A liquor division, Jungle Juices, and a rehab service, Been There, Done That are also scheduled for 2009. Like Amazon, Jungle is aiming to make life easier for all classes of people but especially for those with very special needs.
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