Wake up and smell the lotus
The gasoline and diesel subsidy in Trinidad and Tobago will be about $TT2.7 billion this year and the Government is looking at ways of reducing this subsidy, probably to reduce the national debt, and to pay off rich Clico investors who are itching to use their funds to buy more houses in Florida. The Government is proposing to reduce the fuel subsidy by encouraging the use of Compressed Natural Gas (CNG) once again. Personally, I think this is another pie-in-the-sky plan since CNG has failed to take off in Trinidad and Tobago every time a ruling regime tries to reintroduce its use despite the enormous potential for corruption in its implementation.
If the Government wants to reduce the fuel subsidy there are simpler and less corrupt ways to do it and those ways simply mean people should wake up and smell the lotus flower and drive smart. Driving smart will reduce fuel consumption which means less fuel to subsidize. To drive smart you only need to observe some simple guidelines as follows:
- Don’t drive aggressively or like an idiot. Accelerate slowly even in traffic and never cross the speed limit unless the perfect opportunity to tailgate a speeding ambulance arises. Some say you can improve your gas mileage by as much as 30% by following this rule. You will also be less likely to kill innocent people due to your natural born stupidity.
- Remove excess weight. This would mean not only to encourage your passengers to lose 50 pounds apiece but also the removal of things you mindlessly carry around in the trunk like Tiger Woods autographed golf clubs, wet Speedo swimming trunks and bikinis, crates of bananas, and scaffolding removed from the Gunapo Church site. Depending on the amount of weight you shed, you can improve mileage by 1 or even 2 percent.
- Avoid excessive idling. This would be near impossible if you are into URP, CEPEP, or work at any Government Office that interfaces with the public but every little reduction in idle time will help the economy.
- Buy cars with good fuel economy like the Toyota Corolla with a 1.5 cc VVT engine or the Honda Civic with a 1.6 cc iVTEC engine. There are many other cars with good fuel economy on the market locally but try to avoid those foreign-used cars since most dealers are not honest but have a talent for selling Eskimos ice and politicians corruption. Their public image of honesty can be very deceptive.
According to the Trini Dictionary the word horn or horning means to cheat on your spouse or lover, as in “She horning him like reindeer!” or as I like to say “He get more horn than a garbage truck on Frederick Street.”
Though horning in Trinidad and Tobago goes on quietly, and too frequently behind closed bedroom and office doors, the ones that make the public happiest are the ones taking place with celebrities. People were always entertained by celebrity-hornings but I think the resurgence in public interest started with the iconic golfer and horner-man, Tiger Woods. More recently, there were rumours that Sandra Bullock may have been a victim of her husband’s infidelity and the public shame made her suddenly cancel a public appearance in the UK. I can only imagine how difficult it was for Sandra Bullock to go on stage and accept an Oscar, which represented the panicle of her career, while knowing along with the world her husband had secretly enjoyed a different main course for desert. Naturally, her husband expressed regret and I suppose if he was not found out he would have little to regret.
In Tiger Woods’ case, he was the horner and in Sandra Bullock’s case she was the hornee. People would say being a hornee is harder than being a horner but I can only imagine the agony Tiger Woods must have endured over the last few months trying to figure out why horning is bad for endorsements. There are many reasons why people horn but the only good reason is that people think they could get away with it. I don’t know anybody who is being horned or horning anybody and that might be because a good horn is always secret. Horning is not a good thing and should be avoided daily. Most hornings end up in disaster similar to chewing a stiff piece of curried goat but unlike chewing stiff goat meat, a pressure cooker cannot help.
After hearing the language of golf, it is not surprising that Tiger Woods probably felt a little horny after a day on the field. Golf to the uninitiated may look like a dead man’s sport but it is anything but. It is a game for gentlemen and women who have moved up the social ladder so can no longer get turned on using crude and direct sexual statements in public. The upper and better people are still human and need sex as much as the lower ones and sometimes in kinkier ways because they can afford it. Golf is really a game of sex and just by looking at the positions the female adopts during the game makes me feel it should be removed from public TV along with women’s beach volleyball and bikini mud wresteling. Let’s keep TV clean.
Here is a joke circulating on the Internet which puts golf in its rightful place.
Why Golf is a Horny Game:
1. Look at the size of his putter.
2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.
3. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.
5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.
6. Lift your head and spread your legs.
7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.
8. Just turn your back and drop it.
9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.
10. Damn, I missed the hole again.
Before it was alleged that Tiger Woods had one or many affairs with women while he was married he was considered a stud and an amazing golfer. Sponsors flocked at his door, eager for a piece of the action and Tiger was also not adverse to action. He made millions from the likes of Nike, Gatorade and Tag Heuer. I remember seeing a Tag Heuer ad featuring Tiger Woods and being a Tiger Woods wannabe, rushed out to get one but ended up with something in my price range; a discounted Timex.
Women idolized Tiger Woods because he represented cool and rich, the two things women aspire in men more than common sense. But all good things eventually hit a tree and a fire hydrant in the early hours of the morning and Tiger was no exception. This tree-and-fire-hydrant-hitting incident by Tiger Woods caused people to speculate that it looked like serious woman trouble. Unable to breaks any longer, Tiger finally admitted he transgressed but did not give the details the press and other detractors were looking for. Now there are rumors that Tiger performed some of his transgressions for two and half years with a cocktail waitress which is not an uncommon dream amongst normal men. These rumors only created more admirers in the form of married and unmarried men as they too wanted to be like Tiger without getting the wood. The rumors also alleged that Mr. Woods had many other affairs which had girlfriends and wives taking a more self righteous look at the situation and they all wished Tiger dead.
This situation is unfortunate as nobody stopped to ask Tiger if he found women as exciting as hitting a hole-in-one. Nobody stopped to ask Tiger if he was a normal, unhappy man who found transgression a path to happiness and a necessary part of being found irresistibly sexy by sexy women. Nobody stopped to ask the priest if he liked children or the occasional nun either. I don’t know if Tiger Woods will lose sponsorship from the other self righteous set of people in the world, corporations, but I will not buy any products made by companies that drop Tiger Woods because there is always a deeper reason for transgressing than being a rich, famous, sexy man nicknamed Woods.
When it comes to giving gifts the concept of it is the thought that counts is crap. That idea has outlived its usefulness since the Trojans and in today’s materialistic world, money is much better than making love. Thoughts come easy and to some, a little too easy that is why when it comes to giving, nobody really cares what you think. But even with money and Amazon reviews, choosing the right gift can be a problem and it’s still too easy to buy expensive junk because China commissions one coal-fired power station every week to supply electricity to factories making Christmas gifts for the world. Since advice on gift buying at Christmas time is as useful as a smashed car windscreen, I decided to add my advice to the list.
FOR YOUR MAN
For the man who has everything including an ornamental girlfriend or wife, I would recommend the Leica S-System’s Interchangeable Lens Camera with 3 inch LCD with Sapphire LCD Cover Glass and Platinum Service Package. If your man thinks he is serious about photography and has outgrown making sex tapes, then the Leica S2, which can be pre-ordered at Amazon for US$27, 995 plus shipping, is the gift to get. Naturally, you will have to order a lens or lenses separately and prices range from around US$5,000 to God knows how much. Always remember, if you give a Leica S2 with lens, hopefully you won’t have to give much else until Boxing Day at night.
FOR YOUR WOMAN
For the Woman who is anxious to please you instead of cook and clean, there is not much to think about. Instead of giving the woman in your life a reason to chase after you with a golf club in the wee hours of the morning because you transgressed with a cocktail waitress, I recommend something that can be used to prevent, or minimize further transgressions – the Victoria Secret Sexy Little Things® NEW! Lace-up thong. It looks like, and sells for next to nothing so you will not regret it as it is also easy to wrap and stuff in your back pocket in cases of emergency.