Horning For Dummies

According to the Trini Dictionary the word horn or horning means to cheat on your spouse or lover, as in “She horning him like reindeer!” or as I like to say “He get more horn than a garbage truck on Frederick Street.”

Though horning in Trinidad and Tobago goes on quietly, and too frequently behind closed bedroom and office doors, the ones that make the public happiest are the ones taking place with celebrities. People were always entertained by celebrity-hornings but I think the resurgence in public interest started with the iconic golfer and horner-man, Tiger Woods. More recently, there were rumours that Sandra Bullock may have been a victim of her husband’s infidelity and the public shame made her suddenly cancel a public appearance in the UK. I can only imagine how difficult it was for Sandra Bullock to go on stage and accept an Oscar, which represented the panicle of her career, while knowing along with the world her husband had secretly enjoyed a different main course for desert. Naturally, her husband expressed regret and I suppose if he was not found out he would have little to regret.

In Tiger Woods’ case, he was the horner and in Sandra Bullock’s case she was the hornee. People would say being a hornee is harder than being a horner but I can only imagine the agony Tiger Woods must have endured over the last few months trying to figure out why horning is bad for endorsements.  There are many reasons why people horn but the only good reason is that people think they could get away with it. I don’t know anybody who is being horned or horning anybody and that might be because a good horn is always secret. Horning is not a good thing and should be avoided daily. Most hornings end up in disaster similar to  chewing a stiff piece of curried goat but unlike chewing stiff goat meat, a pressure cooker cannot help.

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Cell Phones, Horns, Foreplay, and Bull Pissel

mackAn old Ford Cortina moves at donkey-cart speed on the fast lane of the highway. The driver is a gray-haired,  old man taking on a cell phone to his 21-year-old, pregnant girlfriend who just came home from partying all night. He is unaware he is being tailgated by a big Mack truck running on diesel and rage. Several horns pierce the busy highway and the old man’s life but he doesn’t notice; he is cut off from the rest of the world by the joys of technology and the promise of Viagra  ~ aka_lol

That was not the opening paragraph from a novel I have any intentions of writing but it was triggered by a scene I noticed on the highway this morning. The old man seemed unaware of the disruption he was causing or the danger involved and he is like the millions who use cell phones on the road; ignorant of the horns.

The most abused modern device is not a laptop downloading porn but a cell phone being answered. The cell has made pigs of most of us since when it rings it becomes our master, even interrupting foreplay, or when on vibrate mode, starting it. The call could be something as trivial as a wife asking a husband to make his own meals from now on, or eventful as a special offer from KFC – Extra Crispy.

Tobago BullCell phones have made pigs of us and we seem powerless to stop it from taking over our lives, from hearing sirens, from noticing horns. The abuse of cell phones doesn’t end with pig-manners but instead it sometimes ends in embarrassing insurance claims or undertakers.

Making the use of cell phones in moving cars illegal will not solve the problem since most aren’t afraid of the law because the law is hard to find except at casino vaults and in police station ceilings. But most of us are afraid of the bull pissel aka the bull bouy, or pizzel, a potent whip made from the penis of a bull. But in order to ensure animal rights, a synthetic bull penis is being developed for whipping purposes only at a popular, secret bull bouy laboratory.

Trinidad and Tobago folklore says, when used properly and regularly, the bull pissel has the potential to point crooked lives in the right direction just moments after the deviant regains consciousness.  I think we need to allow the bull pissel to play an important part in the lives of cell phone abusers and some at UDECOTT. We need the bull pissel not only to straighten out the crooked ones but so that the better people can feel satisfaction again.

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