The Rainy Season


The start of The Rainy Season is a happy time for most people. It signifies the end of bush fires, the Sahara dust, and WASA’s dam prayers. It brings with it, not only the greenery, but also half a dozen old fridges floating down and blocking up the neighborhood ravines. The rains have a way of exposing bad habits and faulty people. The showers can make flowers grow and carpets smell. It also brings with it warm cozy feelings and frequent TV appearances of the minister responsible for flooding.

Some say the best part of the rainy season is waiting for a hurricane to nearly hit Trinidad and nearly miss Florida. There is always misguided eagerness that hurricanes and storms bring out in people who never had their houses end up in another neighborhood or island. Some say God is a Trini and that is why they don’t bolt down their roofs or think before they vote. I say, God is migrating sooner than they think, and it has nothing to do with West Indies Cricket this time.

The Rainy Season can be unsympathetic to insurance companies and their customers’ premiums. The rain doesn’t claim to be anyone’s friend or anyone’s enemy. The rain is simply a natural occurrence made worse by Global Warming and disaster movies. We can either love the rain or collect it in buckets, it doesn’t care. We can blame the weather all we want but we still have to buy new wiper blades and life rafts. The Rainy Season is not a living thing but it is necessary for our existence and that of umbrella salesmen. The Rainy Season is not here for our convenience or entertainment. It is here because that’s how the Earth spins.

Dear aka – again


Dear aka, I know this may sound as senseless as your blog but I needed to ask you this before the correct answer is made public. I read this question on another blog and think you need to answer it properly this time. My question is – do short people fall less often than tall people, and do thin people feel less pain than fat people.

Questionable

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Dear Questionable,

Firstly, short people are now called vertically challenged and tall people are called by their names. A recent study of one hundred falling humans have revealed that a tall person is ten times more likely to topple when dropkicked than a short person. Researchers also discovered that short people are poor targets for dropkicking and should be punched hard in the stomach instead.

A recent random pinch test conducted on the streets of the nation’s capital revealed that the police only responded to one out of fifty incidents of random pinching. The test also showed that fat people were slower to slap the pincher and it was harder to find something to pinch on the thin people. One researcher observed that fat people wore tighter jeans, and received large amounts of oggoling while thin people pretended not to care. The study concluded that both fat and thin people felt the same amount of pain and almost the same amount of embarrassment in clothing stores and popular beaches.

aka_lol

B.C vs V.S


My version of B.C vs. V.S

B.C – Sir V.S, I understand that even as we speak there is good-sized mob is burning an effigy of V.S. Naipaul in the car park. How do you respond?

V.S – Mimic Men!

B.C – But Sir, are you not a least bit disturbed by this vile and grotesque action?

V.S – No, and I am actually pro-effigy burning. I might even have said so in one of my books, but I don’t have them all in my head. It’s a lot safer than burning the author, when you think about it.

B.C. – Why would anyone want to burn an effigy of you?

V.S – Ignorance and stupidity can make people do the strangest things; look at politicians. I think people who have never read or understood my work want to burn me. But then there is the intellectual set who think they understand my work and want to desperately sound as if they do; British accent and all.

B.C. – I did a satirical piece on Miguel Street which was………

V.S. – ….My lawyers will be paying you a nice little visit in the morning. Do you have any court clothes?

B.C – Ahem! ok. Let’s move on. There is a classic question which people ask you that you don’t seem to give an acceptable answer. The question is……..

V.S – ….It was a simple omission, a bit of forgetfulness, call it Nobel fever if you will. How many times do I have to imply that I am sorry! Wives!!

B.C – No, that wasn’t what I was going to ask – the question I have in mind is “What advice can you give to budding young authors”

V.S – What are you, a school child! That is not a valid question, please, can we move on. You are a past-paper oriented society. Get out into the world and immerse yourself. Do the bloody work child, and if you are any good maybe one day someone will ask you to autograph one of your books. I have said it before and I will say it again, literature was meant for adults and adult literature even more so.

B.C – Sorry I asked!

V.S – They usually are.

Five Doubles, The Mindless-Mouth and World Peace



“Five doubles, two with no pepper, three without, six in all.” Naturally this order for doubles had the doubles lady cleanly stumped like a lackluster West Indian cricketer during a World Cup Match held somewhere, except Trinidad and Tobago, in the West Indies. Sometimes people say stupid things which can make a doubles line grow unbearably longer, and that was definitely one of those unbearably longer times.

We all make mistakes with our words when our mind has left our mouth to fend for itself for any time longer than it takes to say the shortest word in the world which, incidentally, is no longer floccinaucinihilipilification. I am yet to meet a mouth that could live peacefully without a mind and the mindless-mouth phenomena is the reason countries start wars, politicians give political speeches, men say I do, and young people drop dead from old age in slow moving fast food lines at Church’s Chicken in Grand Bazaar. The mindless-mouth is generally the cause for all forms of human suffering, except ingrown toenails and the reappearance of the dinosaur formerly known as extinct.

Some say the secret to world peace is to have more mind and less mouth, but such humans are not evolving anytime soon because of some genetic dispute with human nature and the low wages paid to sheep-cloning scientist. The non-believers and the believers, despite their disagreements on whether the Milky Way is really a galaxy or a chocolate malt-­flavored nougat and caramel bar covered with milk chocolate, have both agreed that the world not only needs more love, but less mouth. Personally, I believe that more mouth and more love can happily coexist depending on the technique applied. I also believe the world could do with a more equitable distribution of human fat and mirrors which make people look as good as they think they should. Judging from the success of the war and human strife channel, CNN, it appears that world peace is still as elusive as a Miss Universe contestant wanting something else.

300 – Not Just A Number Anymore


I, like most of the over 300 or so people in Screen 1 at Movietowne yesterday, thoroughly enjoyed the movie called 300 (pronounced chee hundud when chewing gum). It was hard not want to be a Spartan before the movie ended and I still have the urge to continually shout in a deep testosterone rich voice and grow a Spartan beard. I am so taken in by 300 that I also have this cavernous urge to buy a spear, a sword, and a good multipurpose, arrow-resistant shield, but my greatest urge is to seek out a new body by dusk. I will go shopping for these items tomorrow.

Despite rumors floating around in critic’s circles, this movie wasn’t made to generate international support for Sparta, or to expose current Persian aggression, but simply to entertain those who are so inclined to be entertained. If there is any criticism about this movie I hope it’s criticized for what it was intended to be rather than what the reviewer thought it was. This movie wasn’t intended to be a Driving Miss Daisy Home and it did not have those moments. 300 will not receive a best picture nomination and I doubt any of the cast will receive nominations for anything other than body of the year, or best male voice in a mainly computer generated gladiator flick. The only real criticism I can level at this movie is that it sorely lacked the usual amount of revealing female bodies that male moviegoers are accustomed seeing for $45 at Movietowne.

300 was rated 14+ in Trinidad and Tobago but in the US it’s rated R for graphic battle sequences throughout, some sexuality and nudity, all (female nudity and action)of which I thoroughly enjoyed and clamored for more. Apparently, young Trinidadians are not too affected by what affects young Americans since it appears we are almost Spartan in nature.

To Serve, Not Command


The Prime Minister was visibly more angry than usual with the line of questioning from reporters at yesterday’s news conference. Unfortunately, he once again didn’t come across as a leader but as a spoilt child who is not getting what he wants – praise, power, and his own way.

In this country we have a history of vindictive leaders who care more about their fragile egos than their country. All these leaders have forgotten they were and are simply public servants who work for the people. They may be, and have been the top public servants, but that’s all. That is why their arrogance and contempt for the people is always hard to stomach. Yesterday, people saw the re-announcement of the Chatam Smelter as an act of revenge on the people by the Government. What else could it be? It could be to distract the people from the uncontrollable crime situation. It could, but it seems more like an act of revenge. What kind of leader purposely inflicts revenge on the people for complaining? That is not a rhetorical question.

The message, which was intentionally sent to the people, is “shut up and don’t complain, the country belongs to the Government, not the people.” Maybe the Prime Minister is annoyed that that everything his Government touches turns to stone. Maybe he is simply feeling we don’t appreciate the know-it-all cabinet decisions. I agree that people make mistakes but when they do the mistake makers should own up. If we are to count the amount of mistakes this government has made by the amount of times they owned up we would come up empty handed. If we count the amount of mistakes the people think the government has made you would fill every page of every daily newspaper for five years.

What Governments always fail to understand is that the people and Governments should never be at war. The only reason a political party is elected and a small group selected to “govern” is simply because most people wouldn’t get time off to attend cabinet meetings and fly in private jets. The Government and the people should be one but recent industry trends show they are two separate bodies with two separate agendas. Is it any wonder the country is falling apart.

For any Government to be effective they need feedback on their performance from the people. If the Government ignores or sends four police Jeeps to stifle this feedback then the people are doomed. The former Government was like that and the present Government is even more so. The best and most effective Government will always be one that serves rather than commands, and listens rather than dictates. Clearly, judging from the state the country is in, and the rudderless direction it is heading, we need an effictive Government before it’s too late.

humor, mayaro, trinidad, fun,

Why We Survive


Portuguese Man o’ War – a potentially lethal pink creature which is in no way associated with this blog or the current crime wave sweeping the country

The main purpose of a newspaper is to report bad news while pretending to look for good news. Every unsuccessful newspaper owner and vendor knows that good news, like hair spray for bald men and skimpy carnival costumes, will never sell. That’s human nature, the nature of baldness, and our lack of passion for revealing clothes. I am beginning to wonder if a human begin could even survive in the imaginary and blissful world that John Lennon and many others described. In my opinion, human begins need conflict and an enemy or two because it gives one the best reason to live – revenge.

Drunk with joy is probably no different to being drunk with Scotch and coconut water on Christmas day. I believe what we want in life is not to be drunk with Scotch and joy, but to be constantly challenged to get a drink. Yes, we want to be challenged but not challenged to stay alive as it is in some countries like Iraq and Trinidad and Tobago. We want to be surprised, but not by bandits, kidnappers and stupid Government Ministers mumbling on TV. People want the freedom to choose from good choices. People need brief, but regular periods of happiness and to see a constant light at the end of the tunnel.

Man has always been under the constant threat mainly by our own kind so we (yes, I am human) didn’t evolve into creatures of happiness, but rather creatures of survival. We men (yes, I am male) are in our element when we are in survival mode, rather that lying on the beach gulping beer while watching bikini strings go by. That is probably a bad example but what I am trying to say is that the main reason people blog is to survive and the only reason we want to survive is because we are not good at anything else.

The Last Puff


January 30th, 2020

Three years ago the last puff of natural gas made its way through a rusted pipeline and into the last functioning generator to give the last feeble jolt of electricity to the depleted, debt-ridden nation. The dictator, who had squandered the future of the nation on huge concrete monstrosities, unsustainable transport systems and several other nonproductive idiocies, had long since fled the country in his shinny private jet along with his entourage of mindless devotees. They went to a better land and any land was now better than the destroyed and polluted land of this once beautiful country. The people, who for some bizarre reason, were once revered by the rest of the world as the highest per capita consumers of electricity, were left to fend for themselves without even a candle of hope. There was no more greenery as the dictator loathed the color as much as he loathed intellect. The multinationals, which by nature loved Banana Governments, jumped at the chance to plunder the nation and rid the country of not only its greenery but its future. The dictator passionately disliked intelligent people so he helped the crime sector to flourish beyond belief. The flourishing state-encouraged crime industry caused the brain drain to accelerate leaving the dictator unchallenged and the country mindless. Any form of opposition to his ideas was met with the full force of his loyal enforcers. Internationally, he claimed the people were free but little did they know they were only free to worship him. Access to the Internet was closely monitored, and the blogging of opposing ideas was made the most heinous crime in the land.

Operation Hand Bill


Citizens breathed a sigh of relief as it became apparent that the countless millions spent on intensive crime-fighting training for the much respected police service, and the countless millions more on hi-tech balloons did not go to waste as the latest crime plan was unleashed by the Government onto the population. High ranking security officials, including the CoP, are said to be overjoyed over this latest, and last crime fighting initiative which they once again feel will hopefully be the blimp to break that back called crime.

Officially, the anti-crime drive is called Operation Handbill but unofficially it’s called Get Him Now. It is also reported that the Police Service, like CEPEP, will leave no stone unturned in the quest to make the country safe by eradicating those who commit the unpardonable crime of handing out handbills without the printer’s name and address. The announcement of this latest crime plan has now caused countless thousands of once perceived law abiding citizens to go into hiding but not under stones, or cable TV stations for fear of being uncovered by CEPEP, or the Government’s Telecom Authority. Experts have indicated there is now little difference between the two organizations and they are expected to be merged later in the year.

Full page ads are to be placed in the all the daily and weekly newspapers informing citizens to immediately report the sighting of any handbills without the printers name and address by calling 800-HAND or 800-BILL. Millions have also been pumped into a special handbill witness protection program to ensure its success. Operation Handbill will continue until citizens learn that final lesson of the lengths and depths the Government is willing to go to retain the status quo.

Diehards, the Destroyers


For a large percentage of the citizens of Trinidad and Tobago known as diehards, which party is in power is more important than what is happening to the country. For them, the party takes precedence over any crime committed, human plight, ethical values, logical thinking, or the destruction of the country. For reasons unknown to the few reasonable people left in the country, diehards seem to put party above self, or any concept of God ever imagined. It’s frightening to normal people to see when a member of a particular party does something that is either morally wrong or illegal their supporters cheer loudly and endorses the act with a passion. That is something only a diehard could understand and savor.

Diehard supporters are never concerned about the consequences of the wrong, but only which party the wrongdoer belongs. The obsession with the party makes me feel that diehards are even more dangerous than kidnappers or drug pushers because they promote evil hidden under the guise of national development. I am no longer amazed at how easy it was for Hitler to get supporters to believe in evil. Diehards have constantly shown that they are dishonest, vindictive, pretentious, ruthless, delusional, and destructive. The moral (really immoral) value system of diehard supporters on all sides of the political Atlantic is ripping this country apart and they are enjoying it.

Trinidad and Tobago is rapidly degenerating simply because our leaders only speak the language of hate with passionate venom and encourage their loyalist to do the same. Their mantra is “Hate, hate, hate!!” Our leaders are ruthless and manipulative egomaniacs with evil in their hearts, and not one ounce of love. I have never heard any political leader, maybe until now; speak with compassion. We get the type of leaders we grow, and those leaders grow more supporters in their likeness. I am afraid, very afraid for what Trinidad and Tobago has become because there is no light at the end of the tunnel of hatred our leaders continue to build as their legacy.

Legal Piracy aka DVDs: 11 for $100


I can’t help but feel that lawlessness is a part of our culture and mindset. I recently read in the newspaper where the CEO of Directv in the Caribbean was complaining about the legal cable company pirating some channels, mainly the so-called premium channels like HBO and Cinemax. This was supported by a statement from HBO that the cable company had no permission to broadcast those channels. The Directv CEO also said he wrote the Minister responsible for the protection of intellectual property about a year ago on the issue and he is yet to receive a reply. This lack of interest shows where the Government stands on intellectual property – nowhere.

I feel successive Governments have turned a blind eye to cable and DVD piracy because it would create an uproar among the masses and the masses have too much to worry about. The reasoning goes beyond that. If the Government clamps down on big “legitimate” business because of piracy then the Government would also have to clamp down on the “small man” for the same reason. This is a no-win situation for the Government because hitting the small man means losing votes and hitting big business means losing friends.

The people continue to be ignorant about what makes a society better and therefore continue to support the things that are illegal and/or immoral. Our leaders continue to only run their mouths about the value of intellectual property while blatantly refusing to protect it. Laws and their enforcement would not eliminate piracy but it would make a strong statement about the value of intellectual property to the nation.

Critical Mass


Speed kills and that’s a fact. Stupidity is the lack of understanding of the consequences of one’s actions. People who speed on the roads are not fully aware that it is not an acceptable risk, and insurers will tell you that. People who speed are stupid people, but even more that that, they are dangerous to society. Self-contained stupidity is typically safe but public stupidity can be lethal. That is what we are facing now, an exponential increase in the amount of people who are a menace to society. When this number of people reaches critical mass society will meltdown, and I think we are on the verge of societal meltdown. Excess speed is one symptom, pig manners and government arrogance is another. There are too many other symptoms to place in this blog but I am sure you can easily name at least three more.

New Year Scrooge and All That


I have no fans or fan club so my quiet reentry into the blogging world will go as unnoticed as my departure. For those who are curious as to why I gave up blogging I can only say it was due to my disillusionment with blogging. So what was I disillusioned about you may ask, but I have no answer which I can remember. Maybe I simply wasn’t achieving the level of fame I thought blogging would bring. Maybe blog wasn’t the answer. For those who are now way past the edge of their seat in curiosity as to why I am back again I can only say I have discovered that Blog is a many splendored thing and what the world needs now is blog, sweet blog. I have also realized it is just as important to find out why we blog as much as how we blog.

—–

I would normally wish people Happy New Year or All the Best around this time of the year but this year I decided to not put more rubbish in people’s head. It’s not good to do people’s jobs for them and filling heads with rubbish is the job of politicians and clergymen. Also, those greetings are customary and empty. We do it because we are afraid no to but fear is not the answer. Furthermore, asking someone How Are You is a highly rhetorical question and as such, more than other rhetorical questions, requires deep silence because it is a reflex action greeting. Since I do not wish people happy new anything I simply look at people with disinterest and grunt vaguely as they offer their hand to be shaken as a gesture of goodwill while spewing new year greetings. They think I belong to some strange religion that doesn’t believe in fireworks. I might also come across as sour and that is my intention because I am a born again New Year Scrooge.

Macadamia



Macadamia, a nut since birth, rolled over the lazy dog as he prepared to make his journey into the uncertain world of single-fruits. He departed with convention and decided to make it on his own as opposed to being picked, sorted, canned and sold to people with too much money and too much time on their hands. Macadamia somehow knew there was a bigger and more exciting world beyond his shell and he wanted it more than a politician could ever want a vote. He was afraid and he blamed his fear on his sheltered upbringing by his typical parents who treated and fed him like a mushroom. Eventually the food will hit the fan he thought, and today is eventually.

Macadamia’s parents, two huge proteaceae, were typical nuts; non-athletic, non-adventurous, TV-watching, lock-the-house-up-by-8:00pm type of hard-shell fruits. Though they were good and tasty, especially when roasted and slightly salted, they were exceptionally uninteresting and predictable at best. They offered safety but not growth. Yet, when stories are told about them fifty years from now they would be described as quaint as the old woman who lived in the shoe, or the quite contrary Mary. Time will always hide the truth.

Time, like alcohol in sufficient quantities, has a way of numbing the brain and it also has the ability to take things from the past and mold them into something more pleasing and suitable for a child’s high school essay. Without the proof of photographs, time can make the bland beautiful or the grotesque handsome. It can make the coward brave and the stupid almost a genius. It can make the recluse into a party animal and the unemployed loafer into a wealthy businessman who lost all his wealth due to the trickery of a cunningly beautiful woman. Time – the greatest invention before the wheel, fire and possibly even the g-string.

Blogers note: Macadamia was last seen in a straight jacket being escorted into an asylum. Apparently he went nuts.

Banana Airways


 

The flight between Tobago and Trinidad takes about twenty minutes, but checking in takes about two hours; it only seems like four because the line doesn’t move. Someone recently remarked it is the world’s shortest flight but with the world’s longest checking in time. Despite the meticulous and almost-computerized checking in process passengers, like myself, were left holding hand written boarding passes with nothing to board and no official word as to when and if we would be leaving Tobago. As usual, the staff of Tobago Express knew less than the passengers about flight times and they seemed at a loss as to why passengers were angry.

Finally, and more than likely by a stroke of luck, the over four hour-long chaotic wait ended with the boarding announcement for my flight, followed by a rush for seats. I didn’t look behind when I was running to the airplane while pushing aside the folks in front of me but judging from the distant screams and nearby cussing I am sure some true Trini style pushing went on.

Tobago Express, aka: Banana Airways, broke civil aviation rules by allowing passengers to sit where they wanted on the aircraft. This was further proof we are still a first rate banana republic with a third rate banana airline. The purpose of assigned seats is not only to avoid passengers rushing and fighting for the seats of their choice but a seat number can be used in the same way dental records are used in identifying those who died and shriveled up, strapped to their seats, while waiting for the aircraft to takeoff.

Civil aviation rules are very strict about preflight safety instructions, and though boring and unbelievable, the safety instructions are there for the passengers’ own good. I, like millions of others, don’t ever listen to the safety show the flight attendants perform because it lacks any genuine excitement, and furthermore the danger of an aircraft exploding in mid air is not effectively highlighted. I would agree that fear is not something you want to have on any flight so keeping the bloodshot eyes of the pilots away from the passengers is important. Seeing that we live in a world where we need to be entertained every minute of the day, I would suggest someone looking and dancing like Shakira perform the preflight safety instructions. Surely, this would have passengers at the edge of their seats waiting and drooling for the part that goes “insert the metal tag into the buckle and tighten by pulling on the loose end.” Shakira, Shakira!!

Zinedine Zidane Helps Italy Get A Head


It’s impossible to know what was going on in Zidane’s head when he decided to use it in the most unconventional, but effective manner at the World Cup finals against Marco Materazzi. But, even if we do know, it wouldn’t prevent a movie being made about this everlasting one-second-pride-of-France incident.The head butt incident was the highlight of the most-watched event in the history of television and it took away almost all the glory from Italy. Even with the Italians poorly dancing in victory while holding the Word Cup, the name Zidane was on everyone’s lips and in everyone’s inbox. I imagine that Zidane thought if you can’t score against Buffon you might as well floor an Italian. Zidane has, by this one action, changed how the game is played with chest and head pads soon to be made mandatory on the field, especially when playing against the French. It is rumored that Zidane has signed a deal to star in three French films as a head-butting superhero that takes on the Italian Mafia and selected football players.

It is suggested that the name Zidane be included in Wikipedia with the definition being a form of head butt used by star French football players to floor random Italian footballers at World Cup finals. Regardless of how much people dislike Zidane for what he did, several million people admired his flawless and flowing execution of this now classic and effective street fighting move. Zidane is truly talented.

Zidane -Hey Materazzi, check this out! I am using a new razor on my head!!

Plonk!! Materazzi falls to the ground and screams in pain and on camera. He points to a funny-shaped head in the distance.

Zidane – Help! Somebody help! Materazzi is clutching his chest! I wonder why?

Everybody knows the French pride themselves with being able to use their heads effectively and Zinedine Zidane has proven this is not just a myth, butt a fact.