Trinidad and Tobago Government Gives Population Buns


Hot Cross Buns - From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Hot Cross Buns – From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

The Government of Trinidad and Tobago has declared 2015 The year of the Hot Crossed Buns and in marking the occasion Hot Crossed Buns will be distributed through the country to every citizen and visitor, both legal and illegal. Naturally, a contract has been awarded to a new but mysterious baking company called Sistrum. This blog was reliably informed that it was only on Monday the Government went out to tender for the Manufacture and National Distribution of Hot Crossed Buns with an Extra Cross (Double Crossed Buns). The tender was evaluated on Tuesday and awarded the same day. Only one bid was received (Sistrum) and was said to meet and exceed all the requirements of the bun specification including the raisins per bun, thickness of the crosses, minimum bun diameter, amazing golden color and mouth-watering smell. The whole process was transparent.

A spokes person for Sistrum said the buns will be the first thing they ever bake and they already had the conveyor belts used in a quarry to crush local stones. It was only last week Sistrum received 1000 mega-large ovens from China and a Hot Cross Bun expert. Asked how come they had the ovens and an expert on order the spokes person said it was just plain luck and they like to order all kinds of things all the time. The contract is said to be worth tens of millions of dollars given the price of Hot Cross Buns on the international market. The established large bakeries in the country think there is something fishy about the whole deal but a Sistrum executive says this was probably due to the Lenten season. When the Minister of Finance was asked where the money will be coming from to fund the buns he simply said “eat yuh bun and shut up nah.” When further pressed about the unprecedented short time (one day) for the tender he said in any country emergencies happen and items such as buns must be procured at short notice. Asked if the supply of buns was a national emergency he simply said “no bun, no fun.”

The Prime Minister, in a short release from her office, said that every man, woman and child will be given buns and people should not worry too much about the award of the contract or how much taxpayers dollars Sistrum will be getting but instead enjoy and savor the flavor of the hot, hot cross buns. The army, police, NGOs, gang leaders and Jack Warner will be given the task on ensuring an equitable distribution of the baked goods. The man-on-the-street has applauded this latest Government initiative and has cancelled orders for buns from bakeries such as Linda’s, St. Mary’s and Kiss . “We like how de government moving and everybody is entitled to freeness like  education, box drains, tablets, lap tops and buns and thing. We hope we getting Easter Egg too nex year and turkey for thanks giving.”

Fishing for Orange Juice in Trinidad and Tobago


Trinidad Orange Juice - a Trinidad and Tobago Icon

Trinidad Orange Juice – a Trinidad and Tobago Icon

Ever since it was discovered in the US that 700 cans of Trinidad orange juice had cocaine hidden inside, the citizens and well wishers of Trinidad and Tobago became anxious and with baited breath are still waiting to know who the true exporter of this juice really is. Surely this must be the work of the mysterious and elusive Mr. Big.  Could this be the moment we have been waiting for donkey’s years?  Mr Big is the mythical and probably real figure who hides in plain sight among the commoners and dignitaries alike.He is the local drug kingpin with powers that would be the envy of any politician or leader. In fact legend says he is, and has always been, the real ruler of the land for countless years.  Mr. Big is the local Keyser Söze.

Some say he started with bags but others say foreign used cars or maybe scotch. Nobody really knows. With things going a little astray overseas recently, the hidden ruler and master of the local drug world is calling on all his politician friends on all sides, to defend him against the foreign, evil oppressors who find his juice in poor taste.  The population is skeptical that Big would ever be caught and identity ever known because of his connections in high places. Naturally, most feel the manufacturer of the juice is not the exporter of the coke and the one who will be charged might be a headless sardine in the cesspit of the local drug trade.

I think it was in very poor taste that the exporter would risk tarnishing the image of a product that is iconic to Trinidad and Tobago and loved by all. As a country, we should stand up against those who want to get rich regardless who or which country they destroy on the way. And if for no other reason Big or Sardine make ah jail it should be for tarnishing the image of the nation for a few big cars and rolly polly women.

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Latoya Woods Topless


La Toya Woods topless

It was bound to happen, just a matter of time. The Miss Universe franchise has decided to tackle the years of falling ratings because of stiff competition from Internet porn and Facebook by offering fans and well wishers topless photos of willing contestants who understand that “leaked” sex tapes can get out of hand especially if the lighting is poor and the sex is boring.

It is my understanding from an Indonesian website that Miss Trinidad and Tobago, La Toya Woods, decided to pose topless for official photographers. This topless photo shoot was done, I suppose, to fast track Miss Woods’ career in the dog-eat-dog-and-cat world of competitive beauty. With the local economy being what it is, I believe Miss Woods’ decision to show more of her assets internationally than other contestants will pay off while she is still on the perky side. Strike while the iron is hot is always good advice.

Check out news  here.

Latoya Woods topless

Register and Vote for LaToya Woods HERE!!

Here is a translation from Indonesian to English from http://cybertainment.cbn.net.id

Not only selebritis hollywood that dared to pose topless in covers of the magazine, the contestants Miss Universe 2010 then did not hesitate to pose topless when carrying out the process of photography for the contestants in Las Vegas, the United States on the Monday (9/8) then. One of them among them that is the contestant from Trinidad & Tobago, La Toya Woods. As being quoted by Access Hollywood, on last Tuesday (10/8), the contestant from Trinidad & Tobagi, La Toya Woods quite deliberate chose topless when being photographed. That the implementation of the reason La Toya Woods wanted to steal attention of the crowd. This my body and I was free to carry out any for my body, said La Toya Woods to the media.

Latoya Woods

Latoya Woods - Official Miss Universe Photo

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Noriko Sakai – No Prison, Please


The Pretty Sakai NorikoThe popular singer, Noriko Sakai, became a celebrity in Japan in 1987 when she was almost sixteen, after releasing the hit song, Otoko no Ko ni Naritai. She was, or is, very popular in Japan,  Hong Kong and Taiwan but strangely, almost unheard of in Trinidad and Tobago.   She was famous not only for her singing but her squeaky clean, girl-next-door image. Because of her popularity and high public expectations, she later went into acting and probably mild stimulant drug use.

In August this year the shock turned to horror when her husband was arrested for possession of illegal stimulants and Noriko disappeared, apparently she was on the run. When Noriko reappeared she was charged with possession of illegal drugs, a stimulant, a whopping 0.0008 grams of it which police found at her home. Noriko Sakai pleaded guilty to using and possessing the illegal drug. Prosecutors said they want an 18-month prison term for Noriko since she is a celebrity and setting a bad example for the public. The court’s decision is scheduled for November 9.

noriko sakai ankle tattooI am not too sure, but from what I have read so far I think the Japanese press went after Noriko after she was seen with a sexy tattoo on her ankle. A tattoo on a woman’s ankle is usually a sign which says “bad but exciting girl above.”

Noriko’s wants leniency and now intends to get a divorce from her trouble-making husband and she also wants to study nursing care in the future. A tearful Noriko was quoted as saying “I have a tendency to try too hard to live up to others’ expectations of me. I thought (stimulants) would help me move my body. … I used the drugs of my own will. … I am the one to blame.”

Noriko SakaiHere is what I think. Noriko Sakai should not go to jail since she already paid her dues to the society by losing face. Losing face is a big thing in Japan but the concept is quite alien to Trinidad and Tobago’s bad-john and big foreign bank account holding politicians. Noriko Sakai should not go to jail because she is too pretty for prison. How will keeping Noriko Sakai in jail for 18 months make society a better place. It’s not like she knocked a member of the public unconscious because the member spilled a drink or wine up on one of Noriko’s friends.  I can’t possibly see any judge looking at Noriko’s pretty face and sending her to jail. I don’t know much about Japanese legal traditions, but even the most heartless woman judge could see the folly in sending a celebrity this pretty to jail for a crime that is quite common in the manmade celebrity world.

UPDATE:

Suspended Jail Term For Noriko Sakai

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Miss Trinidad and Tobago Universe 2010 – The Heat is on


Beauties Aspiring to be Miss Universe Trinidad and Tobago 2010

Beauties Aspiring to be Miss Universe Trinidad and Tobago 2010

The picture above makes me glad I am not a woman because only as a man I can appreciate what a bikini beauty means to mankind.  I am also glad I am not a woman because if I were, I would have entered the competition and blown away the hopes of the other aspirants, not only with my perfect Barbie-like proportions, but with my sensual charms and well placed dimples.  I would have made mincemeat of those gray-headed judges and have them eating whipped cream from the palm of my hand. If I were a woman I would have those old geezers begging not only for more, but to not call their wives or girlfriends. Holding up my number and being inspected would have turned me on and unleashed my charms. My UWI education would have counted for something but only on my Miss Universe resume and not in my head. My beauty would have been the stuff men crave 24/7 and cost them their place in Heaven.

———-

Forgive the rant above and though being a beauty competition judge is still my boyhood dream, I don’t envy the amount of bad-eye I would receive from the rejected contestants. Who am I to decide who is better than who, they would say. My score sheet and remarks would be etched in my brain and labeled “Top Secret” for security purposes. Maybe online voting should be part of the selection process to help point the aging judges in the right direction. Seeing too many bikini-clad beauties over a short space of time can only cause old men to bend and break. But I speak as an envious man with no training in either beauty selection or  knowing a good thing when I see it.

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Condom Vending Machines May Get Screwed


big-condomThis blog supports condom vending machines and good safe sex. It also supports celibacy for people who do not know how to have fun in a hammock safely without clothes on. Religious leaders claim celibacy never killed anyone but celibacy is unnatural and likely to make people incredibly horny and to get married for all the wrong reasons. Religious leaders, such as those in the IRO (Interreligious Organization) in Trinidad and Tobago, says all faith-based organizations in the country are opposed to condom vending machines since these vending machines would encourage people to have illicit sex and illicit sex is a sin. Illicit means illegal and illicit gambling is illegal but Lotto-Plus gambling is not illicit.

Condom Vending Machine

Condom Vending Machine

Fortunately, my organization is not represented by the IRO but my organization is also faith based; we have faith in the condom and at least 20 minutes of foreplay followed by steamy sex. My organization believes you can get terribly screwed without a condom and that people should always go for brand name condoms which were stored in a cool, dry place before use in that other place that is hopefully not cool or dry.  This blog is also concerned that condoms made in the most populous nations in the world may have quality control problems at their condom factories. But quality control may not be the issue but the availability of condoms might. It is deeply troubling to go to a pharmacy and ask the young girl at the counter if she recommends the Trojan or the Durex. It would be less clumsy to go to a condom vending machine which greets customers with “I am the Blues Machine. May I help you?”

How to wear a condom

How to wear a condom

Nobody is expecting the IRO to change its views or to even start to think since according to the IRO members, everything that there is to think about was thought about hundreds of years ago, including condom vending machines and porn websites.  Not only that but these thoughts were documented in  Books that can never be wrong or incomplete.

“I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires.” – Susan B. Anthony

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About Novel Spaces


novel-spaces

A regular visitor to this blog, Liane Spicer, not only has her own blog, Wordtryst, but is also a member of a new blog run by a team of published authors (novelist) called Novel Spaces. On their blog the authors of Novel Spaces describe themselves this way “We’re an eclectic group of authors bound by a singular passion: writing. If you love reading great stories from across the broad spectrum of tales to be told, then you’re definitely in the right space. Journey with us.” Based of this goal, Novel Spaces is the blog to read if you are interested in what goes on in the minds of successful authors and blogs.

The authors at Novel Spaces classify their writings in the following categories, erotic fiction, fantasy, science fiction, historical fiction, horror, romance and contemporary romance with a Caribbean flavor. Years ago I never bothered with categories for books until I discovered  one called Graphic Adult Picture Book.

I am not a writer but a follower of the craft. I loved Stephen King’s On Writing and also read several books on grammar which I was never able to comprehend. I find writing two paragraphs for a blog post difficult much less writing a novel with properly designed covers along with a plot. I always imagine authors as talented, mysterious people with colorful lives and Mac Books with keyboards cracked from being hit with vases thrown from every creative angle. I enjoy my imagination more than coming up with one and that is why I recommend Novel Spaces to everyone.

This is not a paid advertisment

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Megan Fox Sex Symbol Revealed


megan-fox-wallpaper

Megan Fox become a sex symbol seconds after she opened the bonnet of  the old, yellow, American car that was overheating in the movie Transformers. This bonnet-opening scene has since become a classic and permanently featured in the dreams of those fabled creatures called decent men. It was also the scene which pushed Angelina Jolie from the top of the sex symbol list and to get a tattoo upgrade. There were no special effects or cryptic back tattoos in that scene but only raw, sensual curves shot from all the right angles.  If there was ever an ad to promote sex symbolism it would be the Megan Fox Transformer overheating engine scene and nothing to do with Angelina Jolie’s back . I would argue that Transformers was successful only because of the hot Megan Fox and not because of the guy who also starred with her. His name fails me right now.

megan-fox-bra-wet-03For a girl to become a sex symbol there must be consensus by the mass media and especially by that new mass media called blogs.  Fortunately, this blog overwhelmingly votes for Megan Fox, not only to be a sex symbol, but to be the #1 sex symbol of 2009 and constantly in my wildest dreams.

I don’t think there is any one reason why the masses find Megan Fox sexy but certainly her easy to read tattoos help. Some women have their sex appeal enhanced by tattoos while others turn to body piercings and silicone. I would estimate that 90% of a woman’s sex appeal she is born with and 10% comes from highlighting the natural 90% on the screen, in night clubs, on the beach and in blogs. The paparazzi and blogs have contributed in a big way to the popularity of the modern celebrity and “leaked” photos and sex tapes have become part of the hype building.Megan-Fox

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Pro Max Screws Nation After Speedo Bulges


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clown-450

The sounds of “Oh no, ah doe have tuh goe” crooned over the Sony Boom Box that Pro Max hugged. It was the inspiration for his first, post-European speech he had been looking for since he removed his Red, White and Black, frontally-enhanced Speedo that he wore  on his recent screw-the-nation European tour. The Plagiarizing Priest told Max the answer would come either in a song or in mid-wine but Max didn’t think Destra’s “Wey yuh want” was quite the song and all his wines now ended before the middle.

Pro Max decided, apart from telling people he was not going anywhere, except for vacation, he would talk down to them. He would hide behind the false shield of confidentiality even though the letter from The Judge and the emails from the Brilliant Journalist were on the streets. How stupid the public is, he often thought. PM PM, his guru and desktop background, often said the best defense is a good offense. Accept responsibility but say nothing, was going to be the gist of his speech. He wrote with renewed arrogance since he knew for sure The Party wasn’t about to throw him on the street and may even chant his name in approval at public events, in the way cult followers do. He learnt The Party admired the extra mile he went to select some line-towers and this thought made his Speedo bulge ever so faintly in approval.

Pro Max finished his speech and realized how much he loved his nation but  over the years that love turned to lust. He was sure it was the love/lust relationship which caused him to screw the nation so much. As he closed his laptop he could swear he heard distant booing and wondered if it was The Shand Man or just his conscience acting up again.

Max is conveniently missing the point to justify ignoring the country while he was on vacation. What non-party supporters and even some party supporters are asking (the population) is:

(1) Did Max appoint a chairman to the IC who was an exposed-eventually-self-confessed plagiarist? Isn’t a plagiarist a type of thief? Why would somebody who is knowingly a type of thief be appointed as Chairman of the IC by the President? The answer to this one should be a classic. Lets move on like Max.

(2) Did Max promise The Judge the deputy Chairmanship but reneged on the offer (promise) and failed to inform the Judge until he was handed his Instrument of Appointment in front of everybody? This was not only embarrassing to the Judge but it smelled of something sinister. Did the Judge lie in his letter of resignation? If the judge didn’t lie then Max should resign. There is nothing confidential about his letter of resignation, and 99 out of 100 people don’t think the Judge lied. Moving on like Max.

(3) How come Max did not know the appointed Deputy Chairman was not even eligible to be a member of the IC but common sense told the rest of the nation he wasn’t? Ignorance of the fact by Max is not an answer, it is a reason to resign. Moving on like Max.

If Max cannot answer these questions to the comfort of the nation, during this time of serious corruption allegations against big men in society who are openly backed by big politicians in society,  then he must step down in  what now looks like a big disgrace. It didn’t have to be like this.

A large percentage of the population fears about Max have be realized and every attempt he made at defending his position reaffirms the public’s suspicion about him.

Sadly, there is little that can be done to remove Max and the country might just have to sink with his ego, his guilt,  his misdeeds, and his support of a Dictatorship.

Let’s Move On, Max.

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007 – Secrets Revealed


The 007 Trade Mark

The 007 Symbol of Success

I first met James Bond on a flight from Trinidad to Miami in 2007. He was flying economy because, as he would later explain, he was undercover. I didn’t recognize him at first since he had changed so many times over the years but what eventually gave him away was the use of his precise British accent to pick up the flight attendant and the manila folder on his lap marked”Double-Oh-Seven- Top Secret – For Your Eyes Only, Mr. Bond.” Naturally he denied he was 007 but I was persistent and he finally caved in. Caving in to a layman was not what one would have expected from the best and longest surviving Secret Agent the world had known. I felt he needed someone to talk too and I later realized that carrying the burden of secrecy year in, year out can crack even the oddest ball.

Bond was hesitant to talk about his job at first and explained that he was in Trinidad for a holiday but as he was about to lay down his head, M called with a new mission which had knocked the winds out his sails. He said he went from hero to zero in no time but I suspected he was the victim of great expectations. Bond had to get the first flight out of Trinidad and he never realized that there were so many. I said Trinidad was a place that people liked to leave but Bond failed to notice my attempted humor since, I assumed, he was distracted by his mission and windless sails.

James Bond as he boarded a flight from Trinidad to Miami

James Bond as he boarded a flight from Trinidad to Miami

I was eager to find out about the Secret Agent business since I often pretend I was a Secret Agent making calls from my shoe instead of my cell phone. Bond admitted the Secret Agent business was overrated and many of the secrets of the business could be found in any Robert Ludlum book or Google. I was more interested in the women aspect of the business and he said he it was the main reason he stayed for so long. Bond revealed he was writing a book he was going to either call Women I Bon(d)ed or Women in Bondage. I said the name didn’t matter once there were pictures and Bond agreed.

Bond Girls

Bond Girls

007 grew more talkative as the Martinis flowed. He talked about Odd Job, Goldfinger and our very own Mr. Big. He spoke fondly of Ursula Andress,  Michelle Yeoh and Halle Berry in a bikini. Bond recommended BMW passionately but wondered if The Prime Minister will give Benz, Audi, Jaguar and Aston Martin a chance to bid. James was bitter when I asked about MI6 (Emm eye six) and said he was seriously thinking about leaving and joining the CIA now that Barack Obama was the President. Bond also complained about Tom Cruise, called him pretentious and short, and said there were very few people who understood what was impossible about Cruise’s missions. Bond thought people were mainly interested in the special effects and Tom’s sultry women. I said people were also saying that about Bond and he seemed quite surprised and drunk.

The Air Marshals had to restrain Bond and carry him off the plane when he started to let out top secret information and show passengers his gun. I felt sorry for the Secret Agent who had sacrificed so much of his life saving the world from misguided villains and Republicans but who had now become a little bananas. I realized that Bond’s main source of stress was that he had many women friends who looked so good that it was driving him insane trying to remember their names and tatoo locations. Luckily, before Bond was arrested I was able to get his little black book from his pocket, a book which promised to give me, the new 007, a Quantum of Solace.

The Virgin Way


Richard Branson and Virgin

Sir Richard Branson and Virgin

Recently, I asked a girl at a Virgin Record store if employees at the store were called virgins. She smiled and blushed before saying why would anyone want to do that. I often wondered the same thing but I wondered more about why Sir Richard Branson choose the name Virgin back in 1970 for his multi billion dollar empire.

Ever since Branson came on the scene selling records the virgin concept has never been the same. A Google search for the word “virgin” brings up Virgin Atlantic and virgin.com before virginity. I think he choose the name Virgin because he sold new or unused records at the same price others were selling old, beat up ones. Getting something new at the price of something old was a concept that was revolutionary at the time and remains popular up to today.

Branson’s Virgin Empire is made up of 360 companies with the most famous ones being Virgin Records, for those who can’t get Limewire to work and Virgin Atlantic, the world’s most popular airline for both the careful and the carefree. Recently he added Virgin Balloon Flights for those who are into hot air such as politicians and Virgin Galactic for those who think the world is not enough. It was rumored that Virgin Galactic was originally called Virgin Space but the name was soon shelved after some complained that the name, Virgin Space, was too suggestive and an oxymoron. If you really want to see the world you should book now with Virgin Galactic since space is naturally limited.

Virgin Space?

Virgin Space?

Sir Richard Branson owns an island in the Caribbean called Necker Island. Necker Island is naturally one of the British Virgin Islands and is described as Sir Richard Branson’s Private Island, stunning, and unspoilt. Branson bought the island for a mere £178,000 in 1979. Several famous celebrities have stayed at Necker Island including the late Princess Diana, Janet Jackson, Harrison Ford, Eddie Murphy and Oprah Winfrey, all virgins at one time.

Necker Island

Necker Island

Like most billionaires, Sir Richard has a blog where the hardship of the billionaire lifestyle is chronicled. Sir Richard can never be described as conventional and his way of doing business and living his life can only be described as fearless and optimistic. People are always curious as to what will come under the Virgin umbrella next and also wonder if the Virgin Empire will ever get screwed.

Aya Sugimoto Would Rather Go Naked…


Aya Sugimoto Would Rather Go Naked

Aya Sugimoto Would Rather Go Naked

Aya Sugimoto, the Japanese singer, model, actress, dancer turned erotic novelist has publicly claimed she would rather go naked than wear fur and I support her move. Aya Sugimoto has joined the list of beautiful and sexy women such as the girl from the movie Hitch Eva Mendes, former army drill-sergeant Michelle Manhart, R and B sensation Jamelia, actress Christina Applegate, supermodel Christy Nicole Turlington and Polish-American supermodel Joanna Krupa, who posed for PETA ads supporting animal rights and nudity.

Eva Mendes Would Rather be Naked than wear Fur

Eva Mendes Would Rather be Naked than wear Fur

I am not going to discuss at length the ethics of animal abuse but I have made my position clear that most humans are bullies who bully animals into red and white boxes, soup bowls, ovens, coats and boots.

Jamelia is more comfortable in her own skin

Jamelia is more comfortable in her own skin

What I want to discuss is the morality of posing nude to make a point. Some people argue that PETA’s ads are soft porn and weaken the moral fiber of the planet. I don’t see that argument having any merit since a tastefully nude model can raise the dead and drive the point home more effectively than a clothed model. The ethical treatment of animals is a matter that requires brute force to urgently alert people how they may be contributing to this atrocity and what can be more forceful than celebrity nudity?

Former Drill Sargent Michelle Manhart

Former Drill Sargeant Michelle Manhart

Naturally, these ads can bring out the animal in some of us men and also a few women but those would be in the minority. Most people would be curious and realize for a celebrity to shed her clothes and pose nude for no money can only be for an urgent situation. Some may even say that posting these photos on this blog is tasteless but I disagree but even so, being tasteless is not as tasteless as it used to be.

The Dark Knight vs Titanic


Titanic - A memorable scene

Titanic - A memorable scene

Titanic is a water based love story and also a monster movie. Since its release in 1997 Titanic has grossed $1,848,813,795 worldwide and that is a titanic performance. Though I am a straight man I do like Titanic, both as a movie and a submersible. Titanic is a movie which, to this day, appeals to a wide cross-section of people and has a bit of everything. Titanic contains good looking people, ugly people, good people, cruel people, rich people, poor people, Irish people, musicians and even an engineer. Titanic appeals to all ages and sexes and even has a sex scene, or maybe it is just nudity, I can’t remember.

Titanic - Censored by thi blog

Titanic - Censored by this blog

The question being asked today is whether The Dark Knight will equal or better the box-office performance of Titanic. After seeing The Dark Knight, I will have to say I am doubtful. People went to see Titanic two, three, and four times because it was a bucketful of emotions. It made people happy and cry at the same time and the characters were easy to relate too. The Dark Knight is an action-based, superhero movie that is not as emotional as Titanic and lacks staying power.The Dark Knight, though powerful from a moralistic point of view, and has good special effects and a motorcycle, is simply not as charming as Titanic. Sadly, The Dark Knight had no romping in the hay and there were no trademark memorable scenes as there were in Titanic. At least I can’t remember any. There was scarcely any bonding between screen characters and the non-psychotic members of the audience.  I don’t have the urge to go back and see The Dark Knight for those reasons.

The Joker Claps

The Joker Claps

Very soon, I think, the euphoria over The Dark Knight will settle and just as the Jedi eventually returned for financial reasons, so too will The Dark Knight. With the Titanic there was never any possibility of a return; the end was always meant to be final.

Titanic GIF

Titanic GIF - Created by this blog

Ode to The Backhoe


A Backhoe

A Backhoe

The first time I heard the word backhoe I was a teenager and had a distorted knowledge of the world so I misunderstood what a backhoe really was. All I knew was one of our neighbors rented backhoes even though he was happily married. Eventually, I saw what real backhoes looked like and that was the start of my fascination with the backhoe. That boyish fascination continues up to today.

A backhoe is a notorious creature in Trinidad and Tobago and became infamous for causing long lines of traffic on back roads and highways. With its jiggly digger, a backhoe at maximum speed is frightening and unstable at best. Maybe in the sixties a backhoe was considered a fast moving and steady vehicle, but by today’s standards for reckless driving and endangering life and limb of the innocent, a maximum speed 30 km/h on the highways shouldn’t be tolerated. I dislike backhoes for this reason but I dislike backhoes even more because WASA has adopted the backhoe, along with the jackhammer and incompetence, as their main weapons for the mass destruction of roads.

Another Backhoe

Another Backhoe

But backhoes are not all bad and when in action a backhoe can be a joy to watch. To see a bright yellow backhoe skillfully place its digger into the earth and carve a trench that signifies the start of a new pothole can only be matched by seeing dump-trucks offload gravel in the middle of a road in a residential area, then speed off.

Despite its bad reputation, humans are fascinated by backhoes probably because backhoes share some human characteristics such as they can be useful at both ends. Like people, backhoes are also unstable when handled incorrectly and are prone to blowing a hose if the ground is too hard. That is where the jackhammer comes in, I suppose. In some construction catalogues a backhoe is also called a rear actor or back actor which has been know to be confused with actors from a certain misunderstood, but highly appreciated, segment to the movie industry. Now that The Joker is out of the way I think Batman’s next villain would be The Backhoe. Maybe the backhoe has been unfairly vilified by us humans but I am still certain I do not want to return as a backhoe in my next life.

Hancock – A Real Superhero


Prelude

aka_lol: Two tickets for Handcock please.

Female Ticket seller: Handcock? You mean Hancock.

aka_lol: That is what I said, Handcock.

Female Ticket seller: The name is Hancock not Handcock.

aka_lol: Pleased to meet you Handcock, can I have two tickets please?

Female Ticket seller: Wait here sir while I get security.

aka_lol: That won’t be necessary, I feel very safe here.

Hancock scene

Off screen Entertainment

After a brief scuffle with security, I was eventually allowed to see Hancock, Will Smith’s latest offering. But, even before that I was entertained by looking at the four Venezuelan girls in the line of people who support the concession stand with their outrageous prices. – The concession stand’s prices. Each girl was more beautiful than the next with their leader appearing rather wild and young for a leader.

Venezuelan Girl: cuatro perritos calientes, por favor.

Concession Stand Seller: Waahh?

Hancock whale scene

The Review

Hancock is not your average superhero movie and there is a twist which I saw coming from early. Hancock is a very good movie because it confronts the reality of the consequences of having a superhero operating in a big US city, and the effects of the indiscriminate damage to public property in the pursuit of justice. Hancock also explores the taboo subject of superhero depression and alcohol abuse.

Everybody knows superheroes normally wear a costume to hide their identity from their girlfriends, aunts and bosses for theatrical reasons plus it distinguishes them from the general public, who only wear costumes at Halloween, Carnival and one night stands. Hancock points out that a costume might look gay with its tightness around the pelvic area but it is necessary if the superhero wants to create a better public image. The movie, Hancock, was loosely based on the movie Unbreakable as both had nearly unbreakable superheroes in nontraditional roles. Unbreakable certainly had more of a twist but Hancock was funnier with a surplus of remarkable special effects. To describe Hancock as a simply a funny movie is to miss the point that in order to make it big at the box-office serious themes must be hidden among special effects and humor. Hancock is much more than a summer popcorn cruncher. I am going to rate Hancock much better than Iron Man because I enjoyed it more since it had a decent amount of obscene language and an original theme. Aka’s rating for Hancock is 8 out of 10.

Hancock at the beginning

Epilog

Hostage Taker: [Hancock arrives on the scene] Oh shit, Handjob!
Hancock: Yep, now just tell me what you need.
Hostage Taker: Well I need them to put those guns down.
Hancock: [to the cops] All right fellas just put the guns down.
Hostage Taker: Now I need you and that tight ass Wolverine outfit to get me outta here asshole!

The Happening – A Review


The Happening

The Happening opened today, 11th June, 2008 in Trinidad and this is my incomplete review that may seem a bit disjointed.

Walking forward out of the cinema, as opposed to walking backwards, I came up with some alternate taglines for The Happening:

Froward Ever, Backward Never

The Answer, My Friend, Is Blowing In The Wind

If you have to see one movie for the summer you must see The Happening. That sounds like a marketing line from a biased reviewer but it is just my opinion. The Happening was a haunting movie that was fun, gruesome, intense, dramatic, sad, chilling, disturbing, intelligent, believable and yet sprinkled with humor. Though The Happening is an R-rated movie you would love, it is not for the squeamish regardless of age. I am not sure if Shyamalan wanted to prove something to his critics but he wasted no time in getting to the point. It was pure cinematic efficiency. As usual, Shyamalan’s characters were mostly believable except when there was a need or two for an unbelievable one. The atmosphere created was one of suspense and hope. You will jump, believe me, you will. The cinematography by Tak Fujimoto under Shyamalan’s direction was once again outstanding so please, finish your popcorn early. But that wasn’t all as Shyamalan called on James Newton Howard once again to settle the score, and settle it good.

Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, John Leguizamo, Ashlyn Sanchez, Betty Buckley and M. Night Shyamalan pulled it off and pulled it off in style. Mark Wahlberg was outstanding with Zooey Deschanel and John Leguizamo giving good support. Ashlyn Sanchez has a bright future ahead. Betty Buckley was simply bloodcurdling. M. Night – spoiler ahead – did not appear; at least physically.

I can’t figure why, but The Happening is a movie that is strangely satisfying in an unsettling way.

But in the end they wanted more.

Wednesday 12th June, 2008 – update: – I want to see this movie again and who is this Joey character anyway.

Friday 13th June, 2008 – further update:I just had this thought – People and critics are once again going to end up reviewing Shyamalan and not The Happening which will be an injustice to the movie.

The Happening Poster The Happening - The TeamMark WahlbergThe HappeningThe FieldThe Happening - The TicketClouds