From the fictitious diary of President Obama:
April 18th 2009
Yesterday the landing was smooth but the pilot had to abort the first attempt for reasons I don’t want to get into now but I think he saw a crack. Fortunately, the runway seemed to have held up well but I will get my people check for cracks tomorrow morning since the Mexicans and Colombians are also here.
The drive to Port of Spain was uneventful and on leaving the airport I saw a big Bhagwansingh’s Hardware and the famous Trincity Mall . I might have even seen a car being broken into in the mall’s car park but I am not sure since the people stopped to wave at me. There were a few cars on the road and I suppose the Government pulled everybody off to allow us Heads to make it to the Hyatt in time for pre-summit snacks. I heard people were disappointed that I didn’t come through the front entrance of the Hyatt but after Hugo caused barriers to be broken down I didn’t see any need to break them again. The Secret Service said some journalists were getting on wild and I was safer in the back. I think the Secret Service would take a bullet for me but not a journalist. I have to check.
The Hyatt looked like a hotel and with all the talk on the blogs about tall buildings I was disappointed. I mentioned this to Mr. Manning who seemed offended at first but then offered me a bowl of corn soup. I refused since I couldn’t easily identify all the floating objects and security protocol requires The President identify all food objects, especially in soup. I made up an excuse and said I ate in My Plane. PM PM seemed to go temporarily green when I mentioned My Plane and I even thought he was turning into the Hulk.
Some of the South American leaders seemed rather strange I couldn’t help wonder if their people were poor because their leaders were strange or if their leaders were strange because of poverty. Mr. Ortega was long in his speech and I read a comment in a blog which suggested he did this to spite good looking leaders. Mr. Manning took no offense. PM PM was shaky at the start of his speech but seemed to get his stride after he offered Mr. Morales a bowl of corn soup, probably the same bowl I turned down. I am beginning to suspect he threw this summit just to serve corn soup. PM PM referred to me as “his kind” and I nearly fainted when he said it. I didn’t know if he meant black, smart, charismatic, handsome, Harvard-educated or soup-shy. Maybe he meant all. I am beginning to wonder how “his kind” ever got elected.
What is with this Hugo character? He seems like a nice guy; always smiling and chubby. He even gave me a book about how my country robbed his country but he seems not too-right-here. These South and Central American leaders appear to strive on being weird and offensive and if it wasn’t for their women and cheap labor we might have bombed them ages ago. I am joking, obviously. We can’t afford another war right now.
I have to go dress and attend a function at the Chinese Palace in St. Ann’s where Mr. Manning will be serving corn soup and dhal puri. I will only eat some soup after Morales is on his third bowl, for security reasons, naturally. I might have to dance with Mrs. Manning tonight out of courtesy and I only hope she wears a sleeveless something. Ha ha, I am homesick, but not that homesick.