If you want to really get to know your neighbors you would have to do more than peep out your window or stalk them; you would have to inspect their garbage. This blog would never openly advocate stalking but it certainly endorses window peeping and garbage rummaging. Ask any Private Detective and you would learn that garbage rummaging is an important part of surveillance (macoing) and is even considered more useful than The Blimp.
But garbage rummaging is not something that can be done casually and requires careful planning, meticulous execution and a strong stomach. The technique which I recommend and have been using with success for years is called the “The wayward dog” technique. The name is self-explanatory and all you have to do is to let your dog “accidentally” break free and have his way with the neighbor’s garbage. You should, obviously, not let your dog have his way with your neighbors. After the garbage is suitably spilled you would have to act surprised and quickly pick up after him using a rubber glove while wearing a despondent face. With a little luck you wouldn’t have to own a dog since your neighborhood may be plagued with stray dogs and you only have to wait for the animals’ instincts to kick in. Whichever dog-method you use you would have to pounce early since dogs can quickly eat vital clues. Regrettably, if the garbage is well protected you would have to run a twenty by the Garbage Man.
Like garbage spilling, garbage rummaging requires a brilliant mind to interpret the mess of bottles, food and maggots. This blog does not have the time to go into detail of how to understand everything found in the neighbor’s garbage and how to not be repulsed. What I will do is give some pointers of what thy neighbor’s garbage can say about thy neighbor.
A rummager can easily tell if his or her neighbor is intolerant to religious pamphlets, Courts Brochures and TSTT bills. Even a novice garbage observer would be able to tell how much their neighbors booze up, medicate, obsess over oatmeal, waste stew chicken, love fruits, prefer Trojan or need KY. You may even be able to tell how much of your neighbors face is real and how much is makeup. If you are lucky you can even tell what size flat screen TV and ham they hope to impress friends with this Season. On the odd occasion you may find treasures such as a discarded pay slip, or a receipt for a bra with the size stated. But you may already know some of these things.
The next time you see your neighbor’s garbage scattered on the road don’t think of it as an unsightly mess but as an opportunity to get to know them better. Garbage is more than waste, it is who we are and our life in a Tuffy bag.