Dear Mr. Editor,
I recently read in one of your editorials that you, a simple lowly editor, want me, The Prime Minister of a much too tolerant Nation, to fire the Minister of National Security because the crime wave is worse than I planned. You obviously thought, by putting your Editorial on the front page of your well-circulated newspaper, I would be horrified into action. Obviously, you have no idea who you are dealing with.
Let me be honest for a change. I hope nobody in this country truly believes there is a serious crime problem and though the murder rate is already one of the highest per capita in the world, I think we should build another hotel to accommodate tourist who may want to see us break the record. Yes, yes, people write letters to all the newspapers and call in to various radio and TV programs complaining about police incompetence and indifference. But it is because the economy is doing well these people have all the free time to listen to talk shows and pay high telephone rates, especially for mobile to landlines. Sometimes I can’t believe the bills I get. Anyway, people have been going on and on about how they can’t sleep well at night worrying about bandits kicking in their doors, kidnapping a family member, stealing their cars or even being shot by stray bullets from the untold guns that are coming in with drug shipments and police stations. What am I to do if these people can’t control their fears and anxieties? Maybe it’s time they seek psychiatric treatment from one of our mental institutions. How would firing the Minister of National Security help them with their mental disorders? Maybe I should fire the Minister of Health….eh?
Let’s move on. By now I am sure you have figured out that I am an arrogant and vindictive man with dictatorial tendencies and I love tall buildings even more than my wife. Anybody would love a tall building more than my wife but that’s another story. No pun intended. And these are my good qualities but your editorial made it sound like this is Gotham City and I am an Idiot. I do suppose you are basing this on actual crime statistics and my IQ scores. For obvious reasons, I think intelligence is highly overrated and you are simply making a mountain from another mountain. The tone of your editorial was one of blaming me for crime but I want to assure you I have a good alibi for most of the crimes reported over the last few years. Your editorial tried to embarrass me both locally and internationally but I am not easily embarrassed. As proof, just listen to how many times I say “Ladies and Gentlemen” in my speeches and even while whispering sweet nothings in my wife’s ear.
Maybe your editorial is part of a wider plan to unseat my Government in order to save the country but I can assure you and other caring citizens that members of this government have used Krazy Glue II to stick our collective butts to the seats of power and besides, why is saving the country so darn important to begin with. Is the country some type of environment or polar bear? It would take more than an out of control crime wave, starving citizens, useless hospitals, corrupt policemen, rampant corruption, the wastage of billions, and an unfinished tsunami shelter to get me on the next private jet outta here.
As you are well aware, I have not only purged my government of all its intelligence but I have surrounded myself by the biggest bunch of arrogant fools the country has ever seen. I have fun seeing them squirm when they see a reporter. Do you enjoy that too? The idiots are trying so hard to sound bright and gratify their lord and master, moi. What you keep forgetting is that without intelligence my Government could ramble on forever and that is what we intend to do. With the current opposition, we may ramble beyond that.
In conclusion, I have to say I would not be firing the Minister because a better scapegoat there never was. I would agree if you said The Minister sounds like a stuck CD or that he is from a different planet. Do you know how many times the Minister threw his hands up in frustration and said “Lord, help me!” and I had to schedule an appointment to see him. The bloke is trying but I won’t allow him to stop the government from funding your criminals, aka my supporters. What I am trying to say is that crime is a government thing and we love what we are doing.
Hugs and Kisses,