My Spirit Fix


Over the last few days I had this uneasy feeling that something was wrong with my life and my friends suggested I was experiencing a spiritual crisis. Not being sure what a spiritual crisis felt like I decided to consult a spiritualist whose number I discovered in the reliable section of the classifieds of one of the local daily newspapers.

The spiritualist was a woman who called herself Madam Quickfix with a French accent. I told her I felt like a computer infected with the latest spyware. Madam Quickfix confirmed I was experiencing a spiritual crisis from my vibes, but there was a slight chance it could be constipation. Fortunately, she said, the cures were the same and either way she could fix the problem for $300, and even faster for $500. This was like the passport office I thought, how lucky. For reasons unknown, I was getting skeptical vibes about Madam Quickfix so I lied to the Spiritualist and said I would call back since I needed to meditate on the matter. She then offered a twenty percent discount if I signed up within the next two minutes using a credit card and she would even throw in a pack of Tarot Cards and a Ouija Board reading. The offer was tempting since Madam Quickfix said I would be cured as soon at the payment was authorized.

I finally confessed it was more than likely constipation and that I didn’t have to contact anyone in the hereafter, or even think of anything to feel guilty about since last Friday. Madam said I was in luck because, for this transaction only, she could offer me the basic spiritual upgrade package plus shave another ten percent off the already ridiculously low sale price. I said thanks for the flexibility but I was feeling better already and it was just like a trip to the doctor or mechanic. Madam Quickfix persisted but I was firm and bought a bag of plastic beads to ward off bad luck and a small pack of fairy dust to reduce any itching the beads may have caused.

7 thoughts on “My Spirit Fix

  1. “…I said thanks for the flexibility…”

    I admire your polite methods of dealing with pushy sales people such as psychics, politicians, vacuum salesmen and auditors.

  2. When I’m desperate for some laughs, I read that same ‘reliable section of the classifieds’. Glad to hear you escaped lightly from your brush with corporate spiritualism.

    Please don’t mention the passport office if you don’t want me ranting on your blog! Whenever I have to visit that place or the horror house on Wrightson Road, the Licensing Office, the little sanity I have left becomes even more endangered…

    Btw, I just noticed that you put me on your sidebar right up close to guys like Douglas Adams and Jeffery Archer. That is just wild! If I ever develop a swollen head it would be your fault, man.

  3. Liane, I need to put you where you fit well and it was a reflex action on my part. I made some type of contact with all the authors listed, except Douglas Adams of course, but if I do make contact with him I will let everyone know since it might be of some public importance 🙂

    You do deserve to enjoy the swell head 😉

  4. So true but what would Douglas say.

    …Madam Quickfix swiped the card on her new, state-of-the-art Sony Crystal Ball. In an instant the ball projected the word “Approved” onto the forehead of card owner, aka_lol. Madam smiled and handed the card and receipt back to her favorite source of income then immediately dialed Mr. Adams, who was casually dining at The Restaurant at the End of the Universe…

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