Over the last few days I had this uneasy feeling that something was wrong with my life and my friends suggested I was experiencing a spiritual crisis. Not being sure what a spiritual crisis felt like I decided to consult a spiritualist whose number I discovered in the reliable section of the classifieds of one of the local daily newspapers.
The spiritualist was a woman who called herself Madam Quickfix with a French accent. I told her I felt like a computer infected with the latest spyware. Madam Quickfix confirmed I was experiencing a spiritual crisis from my vibes, but there was a slight chance it could be constipation. Fortunately, she said, the cures were the same and either way she could fix the problem for $300, and even faster for $500. This was like the passport office I thought, how lucky. For reasons unknown, I was getting skeptical vibes about Madam Quickfix so I lied to the Spiritualist and said I would call back since I needed to meditate on the matter. She then offered a twenty percent discount if I signed up within the next two minutes using a credit card and she would even throw in a pack of Tarot Cards and a Ouija Board reading. The offer was tempting since Madam Quickfix said I would be cured as soon at the payment was authorized.
I finally confessed it was more than likely constipation and that I didn’t have to contact anyone in the hereafter, or even think of anything to feel guilty about since last Friday. Madam said I was in luck because, for this transaction only, she could offer me the basic spiritual upgrade package plus shave another ten percent off the already ridiculously low sale price. I said thanks for the flexibility but I was feeling better already and it was just like a trip to the doctor or mechanic. Madam Quickfix persisted but I was firm and bought a bag of plastic beads to ward off bad luck and a small pack of fairy dust to reduce any itching the beads may have caused.