Crime – A Thing of the Past


The Police Service has given up on crime. The Commissioner made the announcement only seconds after he and the Minister of National Security both received Cabinet’s highest award, The Ostrich. The Commissioner reassured criminals they (the Criminals) would continue to be able to do as they please without any fear of being troubled by anyone in authority, but only now, he said, it has become official. He admitted the Police had given up on the whole crime thing years ago when it became apparent there was a serious conflict of interest within the organization in solving and preventing crime. The Commissioner admitted he did nothing over the years but cannot think of anything more he couldn’t do. The Minister is still unable to think. The clueless CoP further went on to say no officers would be laid off since police officers need to be paid for doing nothing as usual. The Top CoP defended the Authorities saying they only appeared idle to the untrained eye but they were in actuality spending time looking at redeploying some officers into the criminal guidance counseling field. This would provide much needed comfort to the criminals, especially newcomers who are unsure which illicit activity they should carry out and the best locations to start.

This latest initiative drew angry responses from the Getaway Car Drivers Association who claim the need for their services will be reduced considerably. The Commissioner, in an uncharacteristic immediate response, scoffed at this simply saying “The Police doe chase nobody.” Not withstanding this hullabaloo, The Top Brass said Getaway Drivers could be retrained and there were still one or two streets that were mugger-free. The Commissioner urged citizens not to despair since he has been reliably informed that all current criminal offenses will be removed from the law books, immediately freeing up the courts and dropping the crime rate to zero. This will also make crime a thing of the past. As a result of this latest development, the failed witness protection and the successful witness eradication programs will come to an end but police canteens will continue to operate with full force.

Citizens yawned at this latest development from behind their burglarproof windows saying, “So what’s new.”

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