The closest thing to a perfect one-stop-shop for an alien on a modern human-collecting expedition would be an international airport. In fact, if an alien landed at an international airport probably no one would even notice. The rumor mill has it that this has happened a few times before but the aliens were denied entry because of some mix up with their visas. That’s why I love airports; they are the best human zoos and causes of confusion on the planet.

An airport is a place where people of all nationalities, languages, races, colors, ages, waist sizes, genetic defects, gender disorders, and incomplete immigration forms, converge on the lost-luggage counter and take turns strangling the attendants. For just the cost of parking you can be senselessly entertained at any airport on any lazy Sunday afternoon. It is what I like, and what I do, that’s why I am called an airportee.

To be honest, the airport has more of the appearance of a circus than a zoo but I prefer to use zoo to describe the airport, and circus to describe the government. On that Sunday afternoon, with the temperature high enough to melt the coldest stares a woman could produce, I smiled to myself as insane people always do. There were the South American girls who turned faded blue jeans into a work of sculptured art, and the couple who walked into the immigration lounge with no less than 36 boxes of KFC. There was the French-looking girl with the see-through top and the drooling guys loudly thinking in silence “look at me.” The see-through girl probably had this thought running through her head “Ils sont gentils. Vous les aimez?” and I probably had this one “Oui, oui je les aime beaucoup!”

I have also been observing airhostesses over the years and noticed they are becoming more functional and less attractive. I suppose airlines have discovered that pretty girls are very useful but a girl who can push a food cart up and down a narrow aisle for five hours, and row a life raft full of people from the middle of the ocean to the nearest land mass is a rare find. I think it was George Carlin who first pointed out airhostesses are a much maligned bunch because of the fact they continuously walk in and out of cockpits. I think that gave the public the wrong impression as to their job function and it begged an answer to the question “What is really a cockpit?” Since there is an increase in the amount of female commercial pilots the name “cockpit” is to be changed but I have no idea as to what, or even why.

As a trained airport observer I have to say that the finest samples of female human life congregate there and not at Club Zen as previously thought. At the airport the skirts are as short, the jeans are as tight and the tops as transparent as those of Zen. The only difference is at the airport the people are more varied, the drinks are cheaper and there is no music, but at those prices you can’t complain.

The airport could be my home away from home but security had my cot towed away, and burnt.


9 thoughts on “Airportee

  1. hahaha 🙂

    Ah… It’s good to wake up and smile again. I agree with snbg & hs 🙂
    I’ve always marvled @ ur writing style and ur witty humor.

    I say we’ll be perfect companions for eachother in the airport, for unlike anywhere else I’ve been, @ the airport my senses are peaked and my blatant ‘staring’ down of ppl is unmatched. lol I really LOVE the airport… one of the best field days in primary school was a trip to the airport…ah the memories.

    Keep it up aka… cant wait for ur next entry 🙂

  2. In my recent trip I took the time to notice the…inhabitants of the airports. One I found amusing was in Vancouver, by the Air Canada ticket desks. They had a car up on display. Well lying on the car’s display platform was a man, hat pulled down over his face and scratching his dog behind the ears.

    It was quite evident that this man was a frequent guest at that airport, possibly a semi-permanent fixture…I mean occupant.

  3. snbg: I think I am starting to understand terms such as roflmao and I think I like it 🙂 Language and human expression has come a long way since the likes of Shakespeare. Now his direct descendant Britney Spear is continuing, but not in anything that will ever be considered a tradition 🙂

    hs: It’s nice to write something people considers witty. That’s quite a compliment and it was well received 🙂

    tunks: everybody stares at everybody at the airport. This staring goes unnoticed because that is what people do at zoos, they stare….and throw peanuts. 🙂

    the cuke: thanks, and this is proof that not all the good stuff is illegal ; at least not yet 🙂

    firebird: you made an important point which has some truth. The way I see it is that Zoos have an honourable intention but circuses are driven by greed and exploitation, with no honourable intentions in their purpose, aka the government 🙂

    sirius: a semi-permanent-fixture at the airport is called an airportee. Long and frequent difficult stints at the airport can drive someone to become an airportee. Some of this so-called irrational behavior of an airportee is the mind’s attempt to cope with other airportees and the strange voices heard over the intercom 🙂

  4. hs: I am less a mystery than hs is:)

    A legal name never tells who somebody is, but it could get them into serious trouble. The only way to know a person is to see how they treat people, how they speak of people, how much they care and how much they do. If their ego is bigger than their brain then watch out, an explosion is close at hand 🙂 Everything else is cosmetic.

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