I want to wish my fellow bloggers a Happy New Year and a bright and productive blog future!
Sorry about the title but the only way to get a blog noticed is to use provocative and suggestive words.
Twenty two year old Miss France 2007, Valerie Begue, was in some hot water recently when a photo of her licking condensed milk in a suggestive manner was published. She almost lost her crown because of the scandal but not before driving the share prices of condensed milk companies through the lid. Her stocks didn’t do too badly either.
I am not too interested in the pictures, mainly because there was no nudity and only suggestiveness. Valerie Begue was threatened with disqualification for this three year old milk-lick photo and I find it unfair since there is no other way to lick condensed milk from a rock other than suggestively. Try it. The condensed milk shot wasn’t the only photo published and there was one where Miss Begue was wearing a bikini in a crucifixion-like pose, on a crucifix and ignorant of the fact that the pose was patented many years ago.
The pageant rules are strict and forbid contestants from appearing in any nude or provocative photos. Rules are rules and if someone decides to enter a competition then they must abide by them. As irritated as the general public is over these strict regulations people must remember there is a certain amount of feminine purity that the pageant is trying to promote. Yes, contestants do appear in skimpy swimsuits during the competition but that is not considered provocative or even suggestive. Appearing in these swimsuits is considered alluring and to allure is not as bad as to suggest. The penalty for breaking the pageant rules is disqualification and a modeling contract with either Playboy or Penthouse.
Purity may not be the only reason for the nudity and suggestive manner clause but also organizers do not want the pageant to be overrun by nudity scandals rather they want the public to focus on the many hidden talents of the contestants that are trapped under layers of physical beauty and makeup.
I seriously doubt the main aim of any contestant is to save the children, whales, manatee or Brunswick Sardines. The main aim of any contestant is to win or else why enter. After winning, the next aim is to appear in thousands of photographs in as many publications worldwide. After goals one and two are met the winner then goes after sponsors and millionaires. If schedules permit, then Miss So and So would endorse a worthy charitable foundation responsible for saving whatever can be saved in full public view.
Zombies are ugly, ruthless, blood-hungry creatures sucking the life out of other living creatures and the world around them to ensure its own survival. In that respect Zombies are like humans. I Am Legend, the movie and the book, like so many countless movies and books before, tried to portray the survival of the human race as desirable and necessary, and zombies and poor box-office receipts as the enemy. Like similar movies and books I Am Legend failed to say why humanity must be saved. It is yet another pro-human movie. If you are human and go to one of these save-humanity flicks it’s natural you would be backing the human race and not the zombie family. That’s tribal instinct.
The human race has been leaping forward in the field of special effects but leaping behind in the field of basic kindness and fairness. We are leaving the planet for others who may yet be born but we act as if we will take the planet with us when we go. The earth, or even Uranus belongs to no one except maybe in prison. We treat people as if they don’t matter but we cheer at the demise of every zombie. We build huge malls but fail to provide adequate and secure parking. We eat food from red and white boxes dripping with trans-fat while looking at mindless TV but we write letters to the Editor when the hospitals are overcrowded. We drive at break-neck speeds in lonely back roads, breaking the necks of those who have the audacity to try to cross but we curse when speed bumps are installed. We drink and pace down the highway without realizing or caring how lethal we have become. Ole Years Night Fireworks bring joy to drunken humans but fear and pain to animals. But we don’t care because it makes us happy. We don’t even care we don’t care. We have become zombies in broad daylight and at night.
If the human race is to be saved it must first prove it’s worth saving and so far there is little proof of that. I say give the other zombies a chance.
The brand of urinals at the men’s room of Prime Restaurant, Trinidad is called Toto. That almost made my night but was overshadowed by the Herb Crusted Colorado Lamb Chops costing $295, which was made up of two double chops, cous cous, and rioja reduction. The lamb was done to perfect perfection. I was an invited guest so price was not my problem, and lamb is what I wanted. I love lamb but I almost never eat it ever since some clever doctors uncovered a plot by certain diabolical sheep to slowly and silently kill humans. Beef is the catch of the day at Prime and a 16 oz New York Strip goes for $495 while a 22 oz Porterhouse sells for $545. The prices are in TT$ and all major credit cards with sufficient funds are happily accepted. These prices are not final and a ten percent service charge plus fifteen percent VAT must be compounded for a surprise ending to a happy meal. This jacking-up-of-prices is the norm at fine restaurants in Trinidad and Tobago, and several foreigners and thousands of locals have complained, but only in their cars on the way home.
The waitresses at Prime are attractive and well trained actresses who perform a skit for each table of newcomers before they – the newcomers – place their order. The skit is called “This is what the food looks like” and it is done with precision and grace. Demo plates showing the various sizes of steaks and lobsters, encased in plastic wrap, are presented to the captured audience. It’s like dinner theatre except questions are entertained at the end and the full performance takes almost five minutes. The demo food-models are shown to guests so that there would be no surprises concerning the size of the meat when the dishes are finally served. Some of the people at my table were wine connoisseurs from California, or pretended to be – connoisseurs I mean – so I simply went along saying I don’t like wine, it gives me a headache. I understand Prime has a good selection of wine and they use Rabbit wine openers to open the bottles in the presence of guest, some of whom may be lawyers.
Prime was designed to be among the finest restaurants in Trinidad and in my very modest opinion, it is. But nothing is perfect and the only improvement I can suggest to Prime is the addition of a loans counter and a mini pawn shop. Everything else is just right.
Rat: You know I like blogs…I really do…You know why?
Goat: Go away Rat!
Rat: Because they provide their frustrated creator with the delusional outlet of being a published author. Sort of like how the prison wardens let the psychotic inmates scribble “poetry” on the cell wall so he doesn’t beat his bunkmate with a toilet seat.
For some people, an act of kindness might simply be when they stop being cruel and selfish. When they understand that all people are the same except for smokers. Kindness can be addictive and that was my hope when I stopped for a long-waiting loaded brick truck to enter the main road. The truck driver was pleased and honked his horn in appreciation while turning. I beamed with my new recognition as a truck savior but then the truck stalled and caused a massive traffic pile up. Still, for that brief moment, the truck driver was happy knowing that a fast and lively car could take pity on a slow and tired truck during the Christmas rush.
The girl who cuts my hair is attractive but hardly smiles when she has a scissors in her hand. I don’t know if this is good or bad but I wish I knew. She has the intensity of a surgeon and the looks of a short and pretty model. Her hair always looks different every time I visit but I like the red and the green.
I am not too fussy about how my hair is cut but rather who cuts my hair and how she looks in jeans. For a man, getting a haircut from an attractive woman is the most fun he can have while sitting in one position. Attractive hairdressers with ample bosoms is not the only reason I am glad I am not bald, but also the girls who are in the hair salon waiting or dying. Some girls look quite good in aluminum foil while others have their legs, lips and brows waxed in a different chamber. Waxing used to be considered a form of torture in the olden days, but now it is considered necessary if one is to remain competitive.
To some extent, beauty is in the mind of the beholder, but there are visible ratios in women and objects that are considered more appealing than others making beauty mainly biological rather than cultural. This ratio is called the Golden Ratio. To beautify is to make beautiful by adjusting the objects’ ratio until golden, or as close as possible to golden. This is where the phrase “You struck gold with that one” came from. The Quest For The Golden Ratio also gave rise to diets, gyms, cosmetic surgery and Dr. Phil. If I greet a woman who is attractive I say Happy to see you. If she is not I say Greetings from Planet Earth. I mean what I say in both cases but what I never say to any woman is You look like the right ratio.
In a follow up to this blog post I will try to come to terms with beauty and the brain.
I don’t know if The Golden Compass is an anti-religious, pro-atheist movie or book but based on the current wave of worldwide protest I do know I now want to see it and read it. For many years, atheist were boycotting religious movies and no one even noticed, but I suppose atheist were always a reclusive bunch, fearful of being beaten up by those peace-loving religious people. I don’t know if the current wave of protest will affect the popularity of the movie adversely but if I had to make a guess I would say it would do the opposite. It’s called the Salman Rushdie effect.
I want to bring a word of comfort to the protesting, and possibly insecure religious people – not that they need any from me, a mere mortal – because I have my suspicion they have forgotten the obvious; atheist simply use logic and reasoning to fight their battles and that cannot, in any way, match an omnipotent God.
The battle is over, the winner is clear. Put down your placards, put your feet up on a chair. God will get them atheist, he will get them with your fear.
Managing risk successfully is what good insurance companies do. Recently, an innovative insurance company came up with a loss of earnings plan for bandits and other criminals. To subscribe to the plan crooks will have to pay a premium based of their worth. However, criminals must first provide proof of what they earned over the last year and this could take the form of laundered bank accounts, buried loot, or even the victims’ ATM withdrawal slips accompanied by the relevant CCTV footage from the bank showing terrified victims posing next to the satisfied robber. Also, the criminal must be able to show criminal records of the amount of time spent in captivity. The insurance company will forgo the latter requirement, as it is currently irrelevant.
The criminals will qualify for benefits under the plan in the unlikely event they end up in jail. That is why it’s considered low risk and profitable for the insurance firm. Other insurance companies are now jumping into this risk-free business, enticing bandits with bandit bags filled with various lengths of ropes, ski masks and even an easy-victims list. The Bandits and Criminals Association have met the new policy proposal with some enthusiasm but scoffed at the easy victims list saying all victims are now easy. The president of the Association, Mr. U. Catchme Nah, said this validated the existence of the members of his Association and it was like a next dream come true. He also said that he hoped society would now recognize criminal activity for what it truly is – a profitable career with a brighter future than even politics or blogging.