Archive | May 6, 2005

Making Blog


 

Aka wanted his blog to change direction. He wanted it to have even some direction. After all, his blog was his legacy. Some things in life are more unfortunate than others but Aka’s blog was beyond unfortunate. It became an embarrassment to the blogging community and there were plans afoot to either have him shape up or ship out. Aka couldn’t decide which was worse so he flipped a coin. The coin, the finest decision making device ever invented, choose shaping up. The transformation would necessairly have to start with a name change, so he brain-stormed for several painful seconds. In Aka’s case, brain-storms were more like brain-drizzles, or brain-fizzles.

Ok, enough of Aka and his ramblings. Here are the nominees for Best Aka’s New Blog Name:

The Things We Do For Blog

No Money No Blog

16 Ways To Leave Your Blogger

Blog Letter

That’s What Blog Is All About

Blog Of My Life

Blog Hurts

All in Blog Is Fair

Endless Blog

Feel Like Making Blog

Glory Of Blog

I Blog The Way You Blog Me

I Don’t Want To Live Without Your Blog

Blogs Can Move Mountains

Blog Will Conquer All

All Out Of Blog

Remember Me With Blog

Blog Me Or Leave Me

Will You Still Blog Me Tomorrow

My Blog Is Your Blog

I Know What Blog Is

Could This Be Blog

And the winner is…………coming soon to a Blog near you.

The Blog Master Cometh


The First, and only remaining Paragraph (much too long) of Aka’s most rejected novel, The Blog Master Cometh

The deadline is getting closer but I must be brave, I MUST overcome. The Blog Master would not be tolerant this time and I must produce. I can hear the clock ticking away as I look over my shoulders. My heart stops, or maybe it is only the clock. The keyboard is unfriendly, but I continue anyway. Sweat drips and I still have a full head of hair. A creak comes from the steps below and I know The Blog Master cometh. My days as a Bloger are coming to an end, but much too soon for one as gifted, and handsome as me. I will not give up. I will not give them their way. They laughed at me in The Village and they called me a Blog Monster. I will show them, I will have no mercy. My Blog is my life and I won’t let them take that away. The creaks get louder and now sounds like an old bed in a house of ill repute during a bout of prepaid passion. I see shadows, they are getting longer and longer, not unlike those in the old Hammer horror flicks. I ignore their slow and overdramatic approach as I attack the keyboard with a passion never before seen in this Blog. My creation is about to come to life; it moves, light flashes, but not where I thought it would. I hear a loud thud; The Blog Master apparently has bumped his head again. I snicker at the thought. I wish him the pain of a hundred nagging women during PMS. I am almost done; The Blog to end all Blogs is about to be born. Suddenly, I hear a loud crash, the lights go out, my UPS kicks in for once, I press save, but something doesn’t feel right, it feel wrong, it feels a bit soft around the edges but not all that bad. I see another flash and I am terrified at the sight. I didn’t expect this! I know they were devious but I never imagined they would stoop this low. I shriek, and my lights go dim, then, slowly, they go out. That was the last thing I remembered.

Blogers Note:

The Blog Master Cometh was banned and therefore will not be released at a Blog Outlet near you as previously advertised. Refuds for advanced orders will not be forthcoming, since Aka has already paid for his flight to Lithuania.

Interview With A Bloger


This is the now famous fictitious interview done by the famous but fictitious bombshell reporter Mini Skirt, with the even more fictitious and less famous Aka Lol. Mini was predictably dressed and Aka was also dressed. The reason this interview was conducted is still unknown.

Mini: Aka, what is the meaning of Life is a Beach, or as you annoyiningly put it, This Beach Called Life.

Aka: It means life is like a beach.

Mini: Can you expand on this since our readers and not as smart as you.

Aka: Do I detect a hint of sarcasm in your tone?

Mini: It wasn’t a hint!

Aka, rolling his eyes and looks to the ceiling after taking a peep at Mini’s low cut top.

Aka: Very well, Mini, I will expand. I like the beach and I like my life. Sometimes the beach is calm and peaceful and very reassuring. It can bring out the best in you and it can lock out the world. At its best, there is nothing that can compare to the beach. Then there are times when the beach can be rough and unpleasant. It is totally transformed into something unrecognizable and unbearable. But it never stays that way for very long, and it soon comes back to its peaceful state. As I said, Life is a Beach.

Mini: Ok, whatever.

Aka: Did I impress you?

Mini: No.

Aka: @#$%

Mini: Will you not resort to this vile behavior?

Aka, looks amused, but mostly he looks at the rising hem on Mini’s skirt.

Mini: Some say you are an atheist, is that true?

Aka: I will be any type of doctor you want me to be.

Mini: An 8-tee-yist. Is someone who doesn’t believe in God. I thought you were smart.

Aka: I am smart but only around smart people. But to answer you first question, I don’t believe in religion though I do believe it is useful. I do believe in God but not the limited Gods of religions. I do not believe in the religion of fear but the religion of kindness and compassion.

Mini: Do you consider yourself a deep person?

Aka: No, I do not.

Mini: You write stuff that most people don’t write. Some say that means you are deep.

Aka: What it means is that I write stuff that most people do not. That is not deep, that means I have an idle mind and some time on my hands.

Mini: Do you have a general philosophy for life?

Aka: Right this minute it is A healthy mind in a healthy body.

Mini: So you are an advocate of fitness.

Aka: And I believe we are all fit people.

Mini: What do you mean, oh deep-one.

Aka: You flatter me, but not enough. What I mean is that we are all fit for different things. I met a guy yesterday who was fit for prison. Two days ago I saw a womanizer who was fit for plastic surgery. You get the gist of my theory.

Mini: I was expecting a deeper answer from one so enlightened. Can you be serious for just a short time?

Aka: Not with everything rising all round me.

As he ends the sentence, Aka looks at Mini’s hem line making slow progress. Mini doesn’t notice Aka’s less than casual glances at the main attraction. Mini looks to the heavens but only makes it as far as the ceiling. She seems to need the patience to deal with this guy called Aka.

Mini: How long have you been bloging?

Aka: That sounds very indecent, thanks.

Mini: So, how long?

Aka: How long? I thought you would never ask, quite long actually. You would be very impressed.

Mini: Mr. Lol, please keep your mind out the rubbish heap. There would be children reading this interview you know. Men are all the same, aren’t they?

Aka is amused that Mini is not. Her hem is unmoved, and Aka silently curses the man who invented friction.

Mini: Please stay focused on the questions. What caused you to start bloging here?

Aka: Bloging, what a turn on. Anyway, I was encouraged by a very talented writer and fellow blogger. I don’t want to call her name in public but I just want to publicly say Tunks; I mean thanks.

Aka shows juvenile signs of frustration as Mini’s hem seems to be caught in rush hour traffic. Aka now casually glances at Mini’s helpful top, but for some reason his mind goes blank, except for two things.

Mini: Why do you think I am interviewing you?

Aka: Because you tried the rest and want now the best?

Mini: Very funny! Do you think your readers will find this interview weird?

Aka: I think readers would be very disappointed there was so much friction during this interview, and no, they won’t find it weird.

Mini: How can you be sure of that?

Aka: I am still alive, aren’t I?

Mini: What’s your greatest turn on in a woman?

Aka: When the hemline on her mini skirt rises just a touch.

Mini: And your greatest turn off?

Aka: When it drops.

With that answer Mini restores her hemline to its original position, flicks her head back, thanks Aka for the interview, and canters down the walkway. In another version of this ending she simply tanks Aka.

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